Closetted gay or just messed up?

Hi,

I'm a 46 year old male from the Netherlands. I'm pondering about something that has been bothering me for a long time.

First a bit of background: I was raised by a foster mom after my biological mother died when I was 11 months. My biological father remarried, his new wife didn't want kids so i had to go. I had sparce contact with my father since I can remember. After this, first raised by an aunt for 1.5 year, she couldn't handle me, then to my foster mother at age 3. She was not the kind of person that should have raised any children above the age of 10, in my opinion. Harsh and callous, not bright, not a warm mother. So from an early age, I was a loner, not many friend (still don't). My foster mum had great fun calling me a *****, fag and would often tell me no-one would want me. So not a lot of selfasteem.

Throughout my childhood I prevered the company of other boys. Girls never payed much attention to me. I always had the idea that I would have to be gay to find someone to love me.

Now it's college time, I moved to a student flat at 23. Made some friends.

Throughout my life there we're, as far as i can remember, 2 instances were i wanted to kiss another man. This happened uncounsciously, my head started moving towards his. Wat the hell is this I thought to myself and stopped myself. To me this felt more like affection, like friendship, instead of sexuality.

Is this because I feel so lonely and detached? There was one girl that 'presented' herself to me, coming to my room for a chat, dressed in her sleeping gear, panties and t-shirt. Very sexy indeed, my conscious mind wanted to make a move, but a cripling fear had a hold on me.

2 years latter at 26 I was in a pub, had gained some selfesteem, met a girl, our eyes locked. Bam! What is this, i thought, I dont know this feeling, we chatted all night, the next day we went out, and I slept at her place.

I felt arrousal, but that fear was back again (no erection), the next time, that fear again, until she carresed my cheek and told me i was sweet. The fear went down the drain and i was able to perform. I never felt so close to anyone. In my mind as well. I remember a few month later walking to the supermarket, having a feeling I had never felt before. Then i realised that it was happiness. Wow, what a great feeling! Utter contentment and confidence in the future.

Our relationship was tumultuous (she had weight issues, that she made everyone's problem including her parents). And she always seemed to keep an emotional distance. But the first 3 to 4 years were great, we moved in together. 8 years later, she came out a lesbian. This I did not expect.
She moved out, not wanting anymore contact with me. She married a woman, having never wanted to marry me although I had asked her 3 times.

Back is the fear of being gay, also because she turned out gay. Is 'God' or 'The universe' sending me a message? Am i desperately trying not to be gay? The thing is, other than the times i instictively wanted to kiss a guy (which does ont feel sexual to me), I cannot get arroused by fantasising about sex with a man, at all. The thought of sex with a man, well, does not appeal to me. I can get arroused just fine fantasising about women/girls. When I do this and then try to amagine a man there, 'it' goes limp. I also do not find the male form appealing.

But what then of the 2 times I wanted to kiss a man? Never had that like that (uncounsciously, like described above) with a woman/girl. It's i always like I have to put out an 'effort' to get close to women.

I have gone to sexworkers (don't judge me!), and that was pleasant. But does offcourse not fullfill me emmotionaly, but does 'take the edge off'. Trying to hit on woman is something that is not a pleasant thing for me. Anxiety, the women I find attractive don't want anything to do with me. Then that Thought again, am I supposed to be gay?

Wat doensn't help is that I had gotten 'remarks' by people in the past, even an occasional collegue about being gay. I have very soft facial features and manners.

It is now 12 year after that relationship ended, I am still alone (nothing happened in that time, other than some sexworkers) and am severelly overweight, which i trying to fix.

Any ideas anyone?

Regards,
Doremi72

Hello Doremi: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I'm not sure what to tell you about what you've described. I'm a 71 year old man who has had a life-long struggle with gender dysphoria. And the one thing I think I know is that anything related to sexual orientation (or gender identity) can be extremely confusing. So I always think the best advice is to suggest a person find a therapist who is experienced in working with clients who have sexual orientation (or gender identity) issues.

One thing I think is important to take into consideration is that sexual orientation is thought of differently nowadays than it used to be. Way back when I was young, there were boys & there were girls (& when they grew up they married each other.) And if you didn't happen to fit neatly into one of those 2 binaries you darned well kept it to yourself if you knew what was good for you. Nowadays we think of sexual orientation (as well as gender identity) as being more of a continuum with 100% straight versus gay (or male versus female) as being the polar opposites. However the reality is that most of us fall somewhere in between. And so there can be lots of different sexual orientations. (Or there can be none if a person is asexual.) Hence all of the different "labels" (most of which I don't fully understand) people use to identify their own orientation.

So the reality may be you're mostly heterosexual. But there may also be a part of you that could also encompass a gay relationship as well. Perhaps that has something to do with your upbringing... perhaps not. But sorting what may have caused you to feel the way you do, & what that means going forward, is something best delved into with the help of a skilled therapist, I would suggest. It's not to my mind something any of us, here on PC, are going to be able to really provide much insight into although we're certainly glad to have you here & to try to be supportive.

Anyway... these are my thoughts with regard to your post. Hopefully there will be other PC members who will have some perhaps more insightful perspectives they can share. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

IMO sometimes emotional connection (where the other person is understanding and seeing the "real" you) can feel so good that our mind makes the leap into sexual imagery. I don't know if that means you are bisexual (you have been attracted to some women from what you have said). That you "fear" it makes me wonder if you have anxiety in general.

IMO lust can be fun but sex has a lot more meaning for me when I feel an emotional connection so the pursuit of friendship and emotional connection seems much more important to me than whether or not we are straight, gay or bisexual. Good luck finding connection!

That was not so much the case, we were playing a computer game, not so much having a serious conversation. He didn't even know I did that. About that sexual imagery, that doesn't happen, that's the case, I can't have erotic imagery about men. Regarding women vs men, It's just that I can relate more easily to men than to women. I don't know how to talk to women. It's like I don't feel manly enough around them. They scorn me most of the time, except when they're older women, then they want to 'mother' me.

Thanks for the replies so far people, very kind, others are welcome!

Some kisses are sexy but maybe the thought was totally randemn? (or something crossed your mind right before the thought--next time try to catch/remember what crossed your mind that triggered the thought? Maybe the video game with him made you feel brotherly solidarity.

Perhaps you say closetted gay because of women's reactions towards you? Again, maybe some sort of social anxiety? When I used to drink in college, it would sometimes make me more happy and relaxed around guys. People treat you differently when you feel relaxed, happy and confident.

I am married and in my 50s so I only have to worry about how my husband responds but time and experience (maybe practice by continuing to talk to different women--how many times have you felt scorned and if you have anxiety like I sometimes have--when you are feeling anxious/uncomfortable, it's not attractive. People have moments when we feel "on" and other moments where we just aren't feeling "in stride." For me, manly would be confident but laid back, has a job or on a path to one. Overweight is OK, for example, Chris Pratt was cute in Parks and Rec and I found William Shatner attractive in his TV role on Boston legal.

Hi Doremi72,

Sounds like a difficult childhood. Me myself had an encounter with my best friend after my first girlfriend told me I was a bad kisser. I remember it to be nice but we stopped seeing each other after we kissed a few times. I still don't know why. After that encounter I always was interested in girls. Always was sexually and emotionally attracted to women, all my life. Until a moment I had a Tinder date. For the record, I am now 30. On this Tinder date (last september) the girl told me she was in a relationship and wanted to cheat on her boyfriend before getting married. I don't know why but during that evening, even when she was giving me oral sex, I could not get it up.

I thought.. can I maybe be gay?

After I have no recollection of thinking I was gay. Until now, with my current girlfriend. There was a moment I had it physically difficult to remain an erection (on the very first time we were in bed together). Again I thought, am I maybe gay? And I started to think about a men sucking my ****. I don't know if this helped. I don't think I had this moment again with my girlfriend. you need to know, I love her very much and want to be with her all the time. But also questioning myself if I am really in love...

A few weeks ago I suffered from a panic attack and since the second panic attack I have this strong feeling I am gay. But rationally I know I can't be. Although I keep thinking I am... I think/hope it is a kind of distortion in my brain. If this is, maybe it could also be a distortion in yours?

Any help on my issue is not perse necessary, but I'd love to hear if someone has the same...

Good luck Doremi72

Liking both sexes is not gay might be bisexual but not gay.
But then there would be a huge number of bisexuals in the world.
Just go with the flow and don't box preferences in.
It's the only life we get to live so don't miss the opportunity if it knocks.

Hey,

You have experienced a lot of rejection in your life and I am very sorry for that. The adults that were supposed to take care of you, were not there for you and even abandoned you. It is no wonder that you are confused.

I am not an expert on this, but I think that wanting to be close to somebody and being sexually attracted to somebody are two different things. There have been days that I felt so lonely, that I considered asking random people on the street to hug me. (I could always control this impulse, but the need for closeness was certainly very strong.) From the way you describe your feelings for your male friends I'd think you just wanted to be close to them.

Have you ever had therapy to learn how to deal with all those feelings? It might be a big relief to talk to someone about the way you feel. In the end, it doesn't matter if you are gay, straight or bisexual, but it does matter that you learn how to deal with your confusing feelings and how to enjoy relationships that make you happy.

All the best!