New boyfriend is terrible in bed

Dear all,

My new boyfriend is terrible in bed. The first time we kissed, he bruised my lip because he sucked so hard on it. He also sucked on my tongue so hard that it hurt. He also licks my teeth... The first time we had sex, he sucked my nipples so hard that I had bruises the next day. The kissing has improved because I told him that he was hurting me, but it seems hard for him not to do it.

I asked him to go down on me and he stopped after five seconds. He said that he had never done it before and that he didn't like the taste. I basically told him that is a non negotiable aspect of sex for me. He promised me he'd try it, but he hasn't yet. I refuse to give him blow jobs, even though I like giving them.

Sex with him is very weird. He doesn't make a sound, he doesn't say a word and it makes it very difficult for me to feel close to him. It seems he is completely disconnected during sex. Only one time it was going better, but then his flatmate came home and the mood was gone. I never had an orgasm with him and he doesn't seem to care.

Sex is very important to me and I am terribly frustrated over this. I try to stay calm, but if I think about it, I get really angry and really sad.

Outside the bedroom he is the perfect guy. He is very sweet, funny, intelligent, very much aware of my feelings and needs and - unbelievable as it may sound - very tender. He holds me, he strokes my head and face, puts his arm around me, etc..

I am so happy that I finally found a great guy and I don't want to break up with him over this... What are your thoughts on this? Is this something that can be changed?

Mary Jane

You said that going down on you is nonnegotiable, but he didn’t like the taste.

If it’s nonnegotiable, then perhaps that would be something to work on. Here is some material about possibly changing the taste:

What can be used in a vagina for a better taste during oral sex? - Quora

Thank you for your advice, but I don't think the taste of my vagina is the problem here. There is nothing wrong with following the tips in the article, but I am clean and I don't smell bad or weird. I have never had complaints before and I have had plenty of experience. He has never given any woman oral sex. So it is safe to say that the problem is his...

Stroking hair & face etc imo is something teens do with first boy/girl friends.
IDK but it sounds like he's new to all this... maybe inexperienced?

....and coming up for air after 5 seconds., giving you the "I didn't like the taste" I'd say that's his excuse for not knowing what to do.

Fair enough and thank you so much for being patient with me.

It seems to me that whether or not things can change depends on him. If he is truly a thoroughly great guy he will have his ego under control, he will accept loving constructive criticism, and you will see growth. If not, he won’t and you won’t.

If he is loving only when not being asked to change things, though, well, then I guess you would need to weigh the pluses and minuses. If nothing changes in a significant way, how enjoyable/welcome/acceptable/tolerable/fulfilling would a long-term relationship with him be for you?

Thank you for your reply. We are both very physical and we touch each other all the time. I don't think stroking hair and face is a sign of being inexperienced, but the rest of it sure points in that direction. I want to have a small conversation about past relationships with him anyway, because I'd like to know a bit more about his past and I want to tell him a bit about mine. I think a lot he does or knows comes from watching porn. He also comes from a country were sex before marriage is not accepted and things have to be done in secret. I need to make him feel safe and make him see that there is a difference between porn and reality. All I want is to feel close to him.

Of course, I am thankful that you replied. I kept thinking about it. In my past relationships I always felt like my needs were not being met. Not sexually, but in general. Maybe I have high expectations, but I really long for a relationship in which the other person cares about my needs.

My boyfriend really is a good guy. There was something else that I was not happy with: I told him once and he changed it immediately. So I do feel like I am important to him.

A good friend told me that I am sometimes too drastic and impatient. If I want something, I want it NOW and I want things to go MY way. So that is really something I need to work on. In this case, I have to be patient and understanding.

Again, thank you both for your answers. I see clearer now what is going on on the emotional level.

A quick update on the situation. My boyfriend came back from his holiday and he seems much more relaxed. He doesn't hurt me anymore and everything he is doing feels much better. Still, he doesn't make me come. He uses his fingers but he gets bored or tired and then he stops. I was very happy with the progress in general, but I feel myself getting really mad and upset now. It is frustrating for me, because I have never been with a guy who didn't care before. I'll try to stay calm and patient and I'll try to talk to him next time. He told me he loves me, so he must be willing to make the experience better for me too?

He just more or less arbitrarily stops in the middle?

I'm at a loss for words if that is what he does. It's hard to fathom, as with his seeming indifference to your orgasm, especially from someone who is so caring outside of bed.

Perhaps in his presumed inexperience he does not appreciate what it is like to be stopped in the middle?

When you say "next time", are you meaning that you might speak to him shortly after having had sex? I ask because this might be a conversation to have outside of the bedroom, away from the vulnerability and emotions of the moment.

I think that a lot might depend on why he is so disconnected during sex. Perhaps (due to his background) he does not truly accept sex before marriage? Or he does not accept acting on a woman's desires in bed? Or he has had negative experiences in connection with sex?

If you don't see sufficient improvement, how willing might he be to see a sex therapist?

Hey @Bill3:
I know you didnt mean anything by this and were trying to be helpful but what you shared contains a lot of myths about women's vaginas and vaginal health. With exceptions given towards absolutely offensive odor (which means infection), women should not be required to maintain their vagina's like classic cars. Basic hygiene rules apply just the same as everyone else but all the particular focuses on shaving, wipes, foods is just...myth and misinforming. Vaginas smell like...vaginas. They contain phermones and hormones that will change the smell depending on where a woman is in her cycle, how turned on she is, even her stress level. I think many times women "nurture", landscape and maintain their vaginas because of how they think men will feel about them. Its more about accepting that we all have bodies that make all kinds of smells and secretions and understanding that sex is not necessarily a clean act. Like I said, no offense meant I know you are not that kind of guy...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3 You said that going down on you is nonnegotiable, but he didn’t like the taste. If it’s nonnegotiable, then perhaps that would be something to work on. Here is some material about possibly changing the taste: What can be used in a vagina for a better taste during oral sex? - Quora

@sarahsweets, thank you so much for so kindly helping me out!

His goal is to turn me on and to make sure that I am wet enough. I really think he doesn't understand the female body... I also thought of stopping in the middle to make him experience how frustrating that is, but it is kind of mean...

I'll take a quiet moment to talk to him. I fully agree that this is not a conversation to have during sex, but outside of the bedroom.

He is from the Maghreb, so I guess he never got real sexual education and everything had to be done in secret. Maybe the other women weren't as vocal as I am about their needs.. I am going to talk to him as calmly as possible. Staying calm is hard for me, since I get upset easily. I don't want to cry or yell... My feelings for him are getting stronger too and I don't want to break up with him over something that can be learned so easily... I don't know if he would be willing to see a therapist, but we did agree to take STD-tests. I already got tested two weeks ago, but he wants me to come to the center with him because I have not been tested for syphilis. That is really rare and I don't have any symptoms, but I hope I can talk to the nice male doctor alone before my boyfriend goes in. If I get the chance, I'll ask the doctor to talk to him about this.

I really appreciate your responses!