I'm Defining My Sexuality as "Multisexual"

I don't mean to offend anyone here, but I'm defining my sexuality as "multisexual."

I lean more toward heterosexual in my attraction to the opposite sex, but I've also been attracted to the same sex. That said, I'm actively asexual for many reasons, and I prefer to live an asexual life from here on out. Now, with that said, I'm also sapiosexual and open to pansexualism, meaning, that I am attracted to those who are highly intelligent and am open to being attracted to others regardless of their sexual identity and/or gender/sex classification (or non-classification), respectively. because my sexuality is fluid (not rigid), I decided tonight to identify myself as "multisexual," which I've differentiated from pansexualism because I've included asexualism (which is often considered a category unto its own).

Where did I arrive at the term "multisexual"? I have dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as "multiple personality disorder." The multiplicity or multiple personalities I experience as part of my identity coincides with my multiple sexual preferences at any given time, or, if "healed" through "integration" (however that is defined), my multiple sexual preferences could coexist at the same time. --Talk about confusing! But for a person with DID, or even a person who has struggles picking and choosing, it relieves confusion for us (maybe not for others with more rigid sexual preferences), and it is more freeing.

I'm attracted to whom I'm attracted to, but I choose to not have sexual intercourse with anyone. If I enter into a monogamous relationship (because I do *not* identify as polyamorous), I will show and receive physical intimacy that does not include sexual intercourse or oral sex or penetration, save French kissing, which I'm okay with. Most people are *not* asexual, and most people who identify as asexual may find my preferences too limiting. That's okay, because I'm quite content with being single for the rest of my life while, at the same time, being true to my sexuality.

Was my sexuality born from trauma and life experiences? You bet! Was I born with this? Well, there's no way to know if most of what I prefer is biological in nature, but it certainly isn't hereditary since most of my family members are traditional heterosexuals who identify on cisgendered terms. I may identify on cisgendered terms (as a female), but my sexuality is far from the norm.

Does this mean I have a paraphillic or other sexual disorder of some kind because of my unique views toward sexuality, and because of my DID, and because of my trauma? It depends on which (biased, insensitive, or alternatively, trained and culturally sensitive) clinician is doing the assessment. I prefer NOT to be assessed for any of these issues on a psychological or behavioral level, and I prefer NOT to be pathologized for my sexual preferences and identity. It's MY CULTURE and MY IDENTITY, and MY FREEDOM!

Like microaggression, discrimination, and hate crimes, I refuse to fall victim to others' negative and biased views about who I am. It would be one thing for a person who wants to conform to a different gender/sex or sexuality (behavior), but it's another thing to infringe on my personal beliefs and preferences. It's MY BOUNDARY, and it is not a disorder of any kind. It's a newfound sexuality that occurred after I was infested with a few diseases that I'd prefer not to spread (as they can only be spread sexually), and because I'd prefer not to retraumatize myself with flashbacks and other unresolved trauma symptoms related to sexuality (most of my past therapists would blush right before insisting on a subject change and focusing on nonsexual relationship problems, so I avoided the issue - and here I am today, making up my own mind in a very proactive way).

So, I may be one of few who identify like this, but it would be interesting to hear from others who do as well.

TRUTH IS...

I would have been a happy heterosexual had it not been for sexual abuse, specifically. And then add on insult to injury, the genital herpes and human papillomavirus (a term I have to keep looking up and copying and pasting because I have a hard time memorizing the spelling of the disease I have - I'm trying to throw in some sarcastic humor, to make myself laugh instead of cry, so you can laugh). I know many people have relationships with these diseases, and I know many people heal well enough to have sexual intercourse with others, but I'm not one of those. Both of those diseases are incurable, and both of those diseases can be spread through genital skin contact, including oral sex, and including condoms or dental dams. There's no way to fully protect against them since the shedding or viruses could be spread outside of condoms or dental dams. I'd feel awful giving these diseases to anyone.

And even if I were disease-free, I'd still have to deal with flashbacks during sexual intercourse with anyone - male or female or otherwise. It wouldn't matter, and it didn't matter. I've learned to be content with being single, and I meant that. Hell, in the 1990s and early 2000s, therapists nearly always tell those with mental illnesses to not seek relationships, even though studies have shown the benefits of having romantic relationships. So, I just followed suit and learned to be content (and wasted my youth yet again on suggestions that weren't always in my best interest - call it an iatrogenic effect comprising grief and loss issues related to the suggested treatments). And even if I did find someone I were happy with and married, my partner and I would have many troubles with sexual intercourse or any other form of sexual intimacy. My sexual abusers throughout my lifetime did this to me! They caused this! I wasn't genetically predisposed with some hereditary "PTSD gene" to cause this, but rather, PTSD results from trauma, and PTSD could have been prevented. Some of the research that I've read, albeit with mixed findings and a lack of longitudinal evidence, get me upset. I was victimized, and it isn't in the past! I'm reminded every day about my diseases, not just scars, but incurable diseases. I'm reminded every day about my abusers. Perhaps I can find joy and healing for my symptoms, but the memories, the flashbacks, and the continuous traumatic stress (medical) remain. I can do what I can to alleviate those stressors, and I can change my thinking (CBT) to mask my pain and approach things differently, but do NOT MINIMIZE the depths of what I continue to suffer from on a daily basis by saying it is in the past, or that I'm a sensitive person, or that other people have those diseases without having been traumatized/sexually victimized. I'm not comparing my pain to other people's pain; that's NOT healthy, and it minimizes the other people's pain, which I will not do. Anyone with any of the symptoms I've mentioned above has their own right to feel whatever they are feeling! I will not hinder that, and I will not hinder myself. What I will do is say that there's no fluid way of using CBT during intercourse to make the trauma dissipate during intercourse. There's CBT for everyday life stuff, and even symptom stuff, but what, should I do a thought record before, during, and after sexual intercourse to make the pain and fears of disease transmission go away? --Not that any of these things were suggested to me, but I could see it happening. And forget a sex therapist! --Gross! More retraumatization that I would add to the list of my continuous trauma - no way!

So, grief work - yes, I will do. So, asexuality, yes, a more precise identity. So, multiple sexuality, yes, also, because that is what goes on in my brain and in my emotions, not that I act on any of it; I don't; I'm asexual. So, being content with being single, yes, I can do that and I have done that.

I will not "throw sugar on this bowl and call it candy," as I heard on one of the Burn Notice episodes that I watched lately. I refuse to be coerced into "sexual healing" that "persuades sex victims into being sexually active." No way!

I will heal in my own way and in my own timing. But there are cultural issues that I have to deal with, too, and for that, no newbie counselor or culturally insensitive counselor can help me with this. I know enough that there are only a few therapists in existence who can help with this. Specialists aren't always covered by insurance, nor do they even accept insurance all the time; they are quite expensive - say, $200 or more per hour, give or take. Does it look like I have a grand to waste every month on therapy? So, while the rich could get their needs met through specialists, I'll continue to use what tools I have to heal. My reinventing a new name for my sexuality is healing. That's all I wanted to say.

Oh, but yeah, I did want to say that I'm happy for everyone else who is able to be who they are sexually, etc. What works for you may not work for me, but I'd prefer to be single and/or non-sexual. I enjoy watching romantic shows and comedies, so it isn't like I'm bitter about this or like I lack empathy for others who have maintained their sexuality. It is that I've been so hurt by the constant reminders of what my abusers did to me that I find little room to be free of those memories, no matter how many times I distract or find other things to focus on. A mere touch on the shoulder sends a signal to my body, then those signals send more signals to the memories of all the abuse and the diseases I have from such abuses. So yes, I'm reminded daily about these things, even though I've contained them, managed them, and so-called "healed" from the so-called "emotional trauma" from them. Healing, in such terms, means minimizing, not ameliorating; there's no cure; it's always with you, but with less intensity, lest you become revictimized in the future (in that case, it all comes back again, but can also be "re-healed" again, only, it's harder to manage and minimize the effects of the scars left behind).