Why I feel 100% straight yet have sex with men...

Purpose
I'm not searching for a label. I definitely don't want sympathy, and I'll likely take any judgements offered with a pinch of salt — if you don't mind, that is.

All abuse will be reported — that's a promise.

That out of the way, after twenty years of not understanding, repeatedly telling myself ignorance is bliss, that without understanding their can't be healing, attempting to resolve, failing, ensuing depression, anxieties (social being perhaps the most crippling of the range having set about me over the years), and generally all round '******ness', I'm now exploring this forum.

I arrive here almost completely without prior knowledge of this site; yet with a new sense of hope and a degree of trepidation as to what I might find, increasingly desperate for some clue or other which might illuminate the path to possible answers.

Context
I'm forty-five, married—and while not especially happily, it is at least amicable—three great kids, reasonable health, fitness and looks, a good job, house, and a fancy car. All in all not bad, if I do say so myself.

Issue
Sexually, I have always gotten my kicks from good-looking, slim, often older women and, here it is, men; more specifically and most importantly, men not necessarily good-looking or effeminate, dressed, not always convincingly, as women.

I've enjoyed countless sexual liaisons with men dressed as women, each limited in frequency to single sessions. I've never met a man not dressed as a women for sex.

Without question being at seriously unhealthy proportions, my porn viewing is almost exclusively trans, occasionally straight, very infrequently gay. A reasonable estimate of the ratio would be 95:4:1. I watch porn every day without fail, often for several hours.

Marriage
After 23 years together we remain good friends, but have zero interest in each other sexually. I could only ever get hard with her when thinking of another, often a man dressed as a women. We live together, we dine together, with share a life together; we sleep apart.

Question
How is it that I can feel 100% straight, fancy the panties off good-looking women, stare longingly and full of lust at sexy ladies I see on the street, at the beach, in the gym and on television; yet at the same time (not concurrently) experience a seemingly limitless desire to meet and have sex with men dressed as women.

I have performed full sex with lots of men. Unsure of its being relevant, I've done everything with men sexually. I'll spare your blushes, but there can't be much on the list of sexual acts and depravities that I haven't 'enjoyed' with a man.

I don't associate myself as being gay; nor do I see myself as being bisexual. You see, I don't fancy men. The attraction is only every present if a man is dressed as a woman. I have never wanted anything more than sex with a man dressed as women. After the act has finished there is nothing remaining other than satisfaction — like having eaten a good meal on an empty stomach. Finally, and no offence meant, but I have very limited tolerance for overtly camp men, and the gay scene is wonderful but isn't and never will be mine.

Request
Any help, guidance or constructive feedback will be gratefully accepted.

Hello danzibar: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

Thank you for sharing your concern here on PC. I'm not a mental health professional. However what you have described sounds, to me, like what might be termed a kink, a fetish, or a paraphilia. Here's a link to an article, from Psych Central's archives, on this subject. The article's target audience is mental health therapists. However I think some of the information in the article may be useful:

Kinks, Fetishes, Paraphilias: Treating Issues with "Non-Traditional" Sexuality

What I, at least, find particularly of interest is the perspective the article advances that kinks, fetishes & paraphilias themselves are not "pathologized" as the article puts it. It's the effect the kink, fetish or paraphilia has on the person that is problematic. So having a kink is not the issue. How the person feels about having their kink is what's relevant. If a person is okay with his or her kink, then there's no issue. But if having the kink is causing the person to be depressed & / or anxious & is causing difficulty functioning in day-to-day life, then that is what is of concern.

To my knowledge there is not a lot of research that has been done on kinks, fetishes & paraphilias. The general consensus of opinion seems to be that there is no known cure for them. And what is generally recommended is that people who have them simply find ways to indulge them in as safe a manner as possible. So, at least from my perspective, there may be no way to know what caused you to develop your "kink" any more than it is possible to say what causes a person to want to engage in BD/SM activity or to cross dress for example. It simply is what it is. And the only thing that can really be done is to deal with how you feel about it, how you're indulging it, & what it has done (& is doing) to your relationship with your wife. And, for this, perhaps the answer is to seek the services of a psychologist or mental health therapist who has an interest in as well as specific training in working with people who have sex-related concerns. The only other suggestion I might offer would be the possibility of finding a forum website that focuses on fetishes where you could interact with others who have similar concerns.

Anyway... these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

You're definitely not alone. On Doublelist in my area, there are a lot of posts of straight men looking for sex with men dressed as women and/or trans women. I didn't realize until I saw that how it is more common than one would expect.

I agree with Skeezyks that this attraction to men dressed as women is only a problem if it's affecting your life adversely. Does your wife know that you are having sex with men? How does she feel about it? And do you personally feel any shame or are you comfortable with yourself? I think those are the most important questions to answer.

Also, just wanted to add that I hope your sex has been safe.

I agree with downandlonely that there really isn't a problem with the fact that you're attracted to men dressed as women unless it is somehow affecting your life in a negative or adverse way. I would be curious to know what your wife knows about your activities. If she's in the dark, is that fair to her?

Would you ever be able to speak about your "kink" with your wife? Do you think she would be judgmental about your desires?