Came here to confess, need and urgent response (trigger warning)

So... Hi again, I guess I'm not over my problems yet.
I feel like I'm trash
The thing is I don't even know how to distinguish between reality or thoughts and I'm getting anxious over things, feeling like **** for getting anxious.
I think I abused (or was it harassment) someone, or maybe is just some obsessive thought of mine at this point I cannot tell. The full story: it happened two times on the same day. I was sitting on my desk during class and because the desks are really close, when a boy passed between my desk I moved my hands as if i tried to touch him, if I'm being honest my mind thought of it, of touching him and I tend to panick when that happens but this time I decided not to care, not to get anxious. I moved my hands because I was talking to a friend next to me and complaining about an exercise and when I talk I move my hands. but I knew he was there, I knew he was about to go between me and that I shouldn't have moved my hands. If I didn't touch him maybe he saw I had that intention. Second thing, it was similar, I was sitting this time in front of my friend and we were studying, the same boy passed next to me, I knew he was there but I still moved my hand, I thought to myself "you didn't touch him, maybe you think you did but you surely didn't" but I panicked again, I had the intention, I thought about doing it and he was going to pass next to me so how could that have been an accident? Moving my hand was on purpose I know it, if I touched him it wouldn't have been an accident. And my final confession is, that I sometimes watch people's parts, and don't know why my eyes just tend to focus there, I feel like I'm sick for doing that, people tell me all I do is obsess about non sense things, that is just my mind what makes me think that I touch people but with the last two experiences I'm not sure. The worst thing is I used to like a boy in my class and I thought it was normal to watch a person you like constantly, but I never thought it could be considered as some form of harassment,I used to look at him a lot, then I stopped liking him but still looked at him. I'm a horrible person. But I need to say this, get it out of my chest and kinda confirm that I'm what I think I am.

I would like to just share a song and lyrics with you by Neil Young, called Natural Beauty, because it helps and comforts me when I am down on myself NEIL YOUNG - NATURAL BEAUTY LYRICS

I hope it does the same for you in some way, however you interpret the song. Hugs to you

p.s. I discovered that the audio on the page doesn't play. I hope you can find a way to listen, too.

In the title to this post you wrote you needed an urgent response. (Sorry this did not turn out to be one.) However in reading through your post there doesn't seem to be a question here. So I'm unclear as to what you were looking for in terms of replies. I went back & read though your previous posts, several of which I replied to. So I have some sense of your situation.

Unfortunately since I'm not a mental health professional, & not even all that knowledgeable regarding psychology, I can't tell you what it is that is causing you to have the problems you're having. What I can say is that I've had similar struggles throughout my life. For no particular reasons I would become fixated on a person & feel an uncontrollable urge to keep sneaking peaks at them. And then, if they caught me doing it, I'd cringe secretly with embarrassment. I can recall just a few of these incidents that occurred throughout my life. But even after all of these years they still have the power to affect me.

I suppose, perhaps this all has something to do with OCD. I've never been diagnosed as having OCD. (In fact, I've never been officially diagnosed as having anything except perhaps depression.) But I suppose it would be what is sometimes referred to as Pure O because I've not typically had anything in the way of compulsions.

You wrote you're a horrible person but you needed to get this off your chest & confirm you are what you think you are. Personally I don't think you're a horrible person. If what you're struggling with makes you a horrible person, then I'm a horrible person too. (Well... okay yes I am... but not because of this although I do understand how it can make you feel that way.) Anyway... I didn't really have anything in the way of words of wisdom for you here. I just wanted to share with you that you're not the only person who has had the struggle you're having. Hopefully being here on PC can be of some comfort & support for you.

I do not believe that you are a horrible person and I do not believe that you are trash.

You mentioned in another thread that you would speak to a psychiatrist. I agree that that would be a good idea. Have you been able to speak to one? If so, what was it like for you? If not, are there adults in your life who would help you find one?

Problems such as you are describing are familiar to psychiatrists and therapists and can be treated. You can have a better life.

Please post here again and let us know how you are doing.

Here is a link with resources regarding OCD:

International OCD Foundation | Subtypes of OCD

You can search for therapists experienced in the treatment of OCD here:

International OCD Foundation | Find Help

Thanks everyone for worrying about me, honestly it is hard to talk about this for thanks to people like you I feel so much better, I did say this to an adult of trust and she told the same that I’m not a horrible person. There have been things in my life that change the way I perceive things and make me believe I am trash... but right now I try not to think about them because they really damage my mental health. I saw a therapist recently and I’m not diagnosed with OCD even if I’m really concerned about some things. I will try to see him again and tell him everything.
Again thank you everyone, I’ll try to keep you updated