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Member Since Jun 2020
Location: Chicago
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#21
Nothing, really. It was eerie how he asked to speak to me out of nowhere and for no particular reason minutes after I had written about him here. And I'm still writing to him. Full fledged plans for sex and everything. I can't lose my therapist. The fall out would be huge. And I need him. I don't know how I could continue to see him without being able to talk about this guy. There's no way I could keep this from him. I curse myself for bringing up that Halloween incident. He just barely consented to my seeing the guy before I brought that up at the last minute. At the same time, I can't blame him giving me an ultimatum. I may be naive, but I think there is at least a 50-55% chance this guy is not a a predator. At least that he wouldn't rape or murder me. He definitely has some kind of undiagnosed mental health issue. He's still coming on strong with all these plans for our future. The already guy had me in his bed, cuddling and making out with me, completely nude...I've continued to tell him I'm only interested in a casual sexual relationship (with maybe a sprinkling of friendly, non-sexual activties...) Isn't that all a predator would want? Someone who will traipse over to their big, rambling, isolated home in an area they are not at all familiar with, and who is willing let them have their way with them? He's talking camping at Joshua Tree and at the Yosemite, going on a gay cruise, visiting San Francisco...Referring to himself as my boyfriend. The minute I show disinterest in any of this, he says he's not really serious, that he is just thinking of 'what may come to be'. Apologizing for coming on too strong. He's continually flip-flopped like that since I began talking to him. He's also pushing hard for me to at least spend the night. He's not getting or doesn't care how difficult it would be for me to explain to my parents that their depressed 31 year old with zero relationship experience is suddenly having a love affair, but to please not ask too many details... Why is he making this more complicated than it already is? I don't get it. By the way, today he actually offered to speak to my therapist. In person. He insists it be in person I told him he had some concerns about my safety. He became really upset because he's wondering what I could have told him to arouse his suspicions. Until a few hours ago--when he texted me a picture--I thought we were through. Last edited by Xerox; Jul 04, 2020 at 10:12 PM.. |
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Poohbah
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#22
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#23
I can't give this guy what he wants. I'm not ready for the level of commitment he is looking for.
I definitely would have sex with him, for as long as he was interested. I haven't mislead him as far as my interest there. I didn't expect that he would want to take it any further. I guess I'm so cynical that I initially thought his wishes to take me boating and things like that we're simply a way to entice me. I agree, the fact that he considers it a hindrance for me to hide this makes it less likely that he is a predator. It wouldn't make sense. I've been to his house, and have planned to go again without anyone knowing where I was. Now he's even offering to meet my therapist face to face... I've considered that this guy might not be 'crazy' at all. The problem is that I'm at the maturity level of a 12 year old, and practically still live like one. For someone to express interest in me this way seems odd because I don't even have the relationship experience a kid in junior high would have. The first or second time he emailed me over a month ago, he said he was considering having a 'regular casual sex friend type of buddy situation' with someone. I didn't know this is what he had in mind. I thought that meant sex a couple of times a week for a few hours. I'd be available for that, but he no longer seems interested if I can't be a full-fledged boyfriend. If things were different, I would consider a real relationship with him. The problem is he barely knows me, and we might not work at all as a couple. He hasn't seemed to really consider that. I finally did ask him if he thought he might be so lonely that he isn't thinking clearly, and is jumping into a 'relationship' with someone who might not be right for them. He said he is very lonely, but that he wouldn't be considering any of this if I 'someone' hadn't led him on. I was going to go to bat for this guy with my therapist, but there is no point. The problem now isn't that he is a potential predator. It's that I set this guy's expectations way too high, and I'm not in a place to give him what he needs, and I need to figure out a way to handle this sensitively. Last edited by Xerox; Jul 05, 2020 at 10:00 AM.. |
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Poohbah
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#24
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I think you've led him on. You've been corresponding with him for a long period of time now, with continued sexual ideations. You've met him once in over a month. You make plans to get together but either have no intentions or you're unsure of them, despite knowing what he's wanting from you. You're leaving him hanging and are in full control. This is what I'm understanding, anyway. Quote:
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What do you need in your life right now to be able to give him what he needs? What are your obstacles? Last edited by MsLady; Jul 05, 2020 at 12:46 PM.. |
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#25
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Sadly, I don't think we will come to a compromise. He texted me last night that if I 'wanted this to happen', I need to tell my parents I'm in a relationship. That way my availability won't be hindered by my needing to hide this from my parents... I am prepared to have a sexual relationship with him. In that regard, I haven't led him on. I've told him I find him very attractive and sexy, and am ready to explore all kinds of things with him. The huge difference between him and the first guy--who was very open, honest, cut and dry and no strings attached--is that this guy is actually as attracted to me as I am to him. The first guy was someone who just got a kick out of having sex with another man. He's bi-curious, but not exactly attracted to other men. It doesn't make him a bad guy, but in retrospect it made the sex less exciting--even though we did go 'all the way', which I did enjoy a great deal. The limited amount of sex I've had with this 'farm guy' was much more what I imagined sex would be like, even though we didn't go all the way. Just making out with him is a huge charge. We've sent hundreds and hundreds of emails to one another over the past month....I don't know if I ever made it clear enough that I'm only interested in a strictly sexual relationship, with some friendly non-sexual activities, like movies and dinners. I thought I was clear about my interests, but apparently not. It seems that the fact that I've written to him so extensively gave him the impression I'm ready to be his first boyfriend. I didn't realize that until now. You're right. So I agree, I do need to be blunt with him. I am up for sex--as well as light 'friendly' activities (dinners, movies)--for 5-6 hours, twice a week. I will cuddle with him in bed (I did like that), but I can't stay the night. That is what I must tell him. I can't do more--not now. I would consider a real relationship with him if I wasn't currently living with my parents. I still think he's going too fast, as far as cruises and camping trips in the desert. But yes, I understand he's high off the fact that a young guy finds him very hot, and so might get ahead of himself. It's been an open secret I'm gay since I was a kid. It's still a huge, scary step to openly admit I'm gay, and to tell them I'm having a relationship. Especially with a 63 year old man. I have mental health issues on top of all this that I've had a harder time coping with lately. There is no doubt in my mind they would be worried I'm endangering myself. I don't want to worry them anymore than I already am. I know I am an adult, but I still don't want to cause them even greater concern than they already are grappling with. |
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Poohbah
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#26
With regards to your parents, I'm sure they know you'll want to be in a relationship at some point in your life.. and are aware about your need for privacy, particularly in the beginning of a courtship. I get you live under their roof but that should hold no restrictions about who you hang out with. There's nothing wrong with staying overnight at a friend's house.
Are you unable to stay the night because of your parents? Are you worried if you do, they'll ask you a hundred questions? If so, it's a boundary you'll need to set with them. Parents will always worry about their kids, even their grown kids. They don't get to pry, though, when that kid is in their 30s. I question the relationship you have with them and if they're hindering your development. As for this guy, no, you don't need to tell your parents you have a boyfriend in order to sleep over at his house. He's looking at this from a selfish standpoint. He's closeted but in order for him to have you stay, YOU must put yourself out of your comfort zone and disclose a part of you you're not ready for. I don't like the double standard, coming from a closeted 60+ year old. |
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#27
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I'm a 31 year old with mental health issues, however, and I've demonstrated some pretty severe impulsive behavior recently. All of my therapists have said my development has been hindered by my continuing to live and depend on them. One more or less accused my father of having Munchhausen by Proxy syndrome. The reason my current therapist is in favor of exploring my sexuality is because he feels it would give me some autonomy. I agree. I've at least 'felt' more adult since my experience with the first guy. I am annoyed that he's pushing me to out myself. He lives by himself, in an isolated area with few neighbors, with his son--the only family member he still has any relationship with--living in Florida (we're in Illinois...). It's much easier for him to do this. |
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Poohbah
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#28
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Munchausen syndrome.. yes, I've geard of that, and definitely concerning. Something sounds off to me. You say you suffer from depression and are impulsive. I'm not sure what other health issues you're referring to that prevents you from leading an independent life apart from your parents. Do you pay them rent? Are they benefiting from you staying there? Quote:
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Last edited by MsLady; Jul 05, 2020 at 06:55 PM.. |
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#29
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The guy and I live in the Mid West. His son lives way down south in Florida. They don't live together. He's also described his son as 'a big homophobe', so obviously he can't know anything about this. I forgot to mention that he said I could pretend to be his 'nephew or something' if any neighbors come snooping around if I were to live with him....I could tell my dad he is 'just some guy I met' whose renting me a room.... I don't want to get into what's been happening lately as far as my mental health in this thread. It's not good, though. I've been diagnosed with major depression and social anxiety disorder. I was tested as being on the autism spectrum when I was 24 by a specialist, but not one therapist or psychiatrist I have seen in the 7 years since then has agreed with that diagnoses. My former psychologist thought maybe my dad was coddling me out of his own fear of being alone. He and my mother, for as long as I've known them, have lived as roommates who don't particularly care for each other. He thought my dad needs me to think of me as being mentally ill in order to justify keeping me around. |
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Poohbah
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#30
Autism Spectrum disorder was my guess, too. The maturity level, anxiety, impulsivities, limited social circle and understanding, the depression which could stem from having ASD.. it's such a wide spectrum. It could very well be the case. I've known adults with this disorder that you wouldn't think had it.
Are you able to tap into ASD resources and Community Living supports? Are you receiving financial disability income? This may help you build independence while receiving support outside of the family.. build autonomy even more so, without your parent's influence. |
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#31
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I wouldn't have a problem being on the autism spectrum (although it's not like I would have a choice), but in my opinion the diagnoses never quite seemed to fit me. Part of this has to do with the fact that I went to school with an autistic kid when I was in my early teens. I don't have most of the traits he exhibited. The one that sticks out to me most was his habit of rambling to absolutely anyone about computers, which was his obsession. I don't know if he was 'high' functioning, 'low' functioning, or something in between. I think I likely have a personality disorder of some kind. I've considered that I may have dependent or borderline personality disorder. BPD occurs mostly in women I believe, and involves a lot of sex and drug use. I've never used recreational drugs, and I've only had these few recent sexual experiences. Based on my placement on the autism spectrum, I have worked with job placement programs for the disabled. I am currently working with an employment agency now. I have been told I don't qualify for financial disability income, due to my ability to find and hold down jobs in the past (although not always for long periods of time). One other kicker is that I've recently got a job at a grocery store located 10 minutes away from this guy. And he knows. |
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2020
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#32
Why aren't you able to hold down jobs for very long? You may have a case to appeal for financial support. How long has your longest job been?
ASD is such a wide spectrum. I'm not sure I agree about BPD being mainly for women. I'm sure there's an overlap. Do people with personality disorders have trouble holding down jobs? How ironic about your new job.. or was it planned to be closer to this guy? |
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#33
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I've had difficulty holding down a job due to both social anxiety and impulsivity. I walked out on my last two jobs. The job I held the longest, almost 4 years at a clothing store, I left abruptly after shouting at an irritable customer. I had never done anything remotely like that before. I'd always been quiet and timid. That was 2 years ago. Ever since then my tolerance for rude strangers has completely evaporated. I've had a bad temper since I was a little kid, but it has gotten worse because now I have difficulty suppressing it in public. Most of the time, I self harm as a way to express my rage towards other people. I don't know much about personality disorders, but I would guess that they very well could make it difficult for a person to hold down a job, especially if they involve impulsivity. I had an interview with the grocery store the very day that I first met the guy. It's an unfortunate coincidence that it is located in his town. I didn't think I got the job at first, and I was relieved, because I didn't want to be stuck working someplace that put me within this guy's reach. I did tell him about it, because I figured he'd see me there sooner or later anyway. If things are to end with this guy, I want it to be on good terms if we are going to be bumping into each other. I was bullied a lot as a kid, from the time I was 8 until about 16. I think that might have arrested my development. I didn't grow up socializing with my 'peers'. I think it also has made me prejudiced against people my own age, therefore I'd rather be with an older man. |
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#34
So, we met again, after his four week long vacation in Florida.
It was a bit of a disaster. We had all these things planned sexually that neither of us could quite accomplish. Out of my lack of experience, and some difficulty he has due to an enlarged prostate. I was there 5 hours, and we fumbled through one failed experiment after another. I wasn't able to reach an orgasm. I wasn't able to with the first guy, either. I think I am too nervous to when I'm doing the real thing. Thankfully I got him to, which is all I wanted. I know he felt inadequate because he couldn't do the same for me, but I truly didn't care at all whether I came or not. It was worth it to make him cum. I've come to the conclusion that this guy doesn't mean to do me any harm. As I had thought, he's extremely lonely, and I think that has clouded his judgement. He wanted to know if I would want to do yard work for him, or to help him in his auto shop in his barn, just to have someone around. He's been considering different ways I could explain to my parents how I met him, and what my relationship with him is. They are all pretty silly ideas. He admitted to me that he is a little older than he let on. I didn't ask about his age. He freely admitted it. He also agreed, although begrudgingly, to use a condom. He was very much looking forward to doing without one, as he is under the impression that I am a virgin, and would therefore be no risk. It ended up not mattering anyhow. So anyway, those are two more points in his favor. He hasn't emailed or messaged me since I left his house. I hope for his sake he comes to his senses and realizes I am not right for him. I like him. I think he's hot and sexy. I empathize with him. Theoretically, it would be nice to have some sort of friendship with him. I'm not mature enough to be in any kind relationship with him, though. I've got to leave this guy alone. |
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Poohbah
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#35
I'm sorry things didn't go according to plan. It does sound like he's just lonely. It's good that you know your life isn't at risk.
I'm not sure about one thing. If you are interested in a friendship and to maintain a sexual relationship, isn't that a relationship? I get if you're wanting "friends with benefits" but I'm wondering if you're depriving yourself. Maybe you're "too immature" right now. But maturity grows with experience. One day your parents are not going to be around. What are you going to do then? Is he older than your parents? Is it possible to just enjoy each other's company and figure out this sexual piece together, without any expectations? If you're not afraid of him and you're attracted to him, can you not do the work around his farm and earn some money? I'm inclined to think you could both benefit from each other, pending that he not force a living arrangement or a serious commitment, at this time. Take it easy and set these boundaries with him. Take that job near his place and get to know him as a friend.. again, if he'll respect your boundaries and is willing to go slow for you. This isn't just about his needs. Maybe something beautiful will come of this if you're both mindful of each other. |
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Poohbah
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#36
I also want to add..
Make a decision about him and stick to it. I would really hate for him to be led on by you if your intentions don't jive with his. I know you've been clear with him but I'm wondering if you're giving him false hopes, too. I think it's worthy to have another conversation with him about all this, and decide together whether or not to proceed. Yes or no and under what specific guidelines? |
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#37
He's younger than both my parents.
My mind is going around and around in circles over this guy, and I realize I've been repeating myself a lot, and will continue to. A friends with benefits type of relationship might interest me. We've had countless conversations about what exactly he is expecting from all this, and what kind of relationship I am comfortable with. Every time it seems we have come to an agreement, he starts talking about traveling and vacations again. I'm not willing to lose my therapist over him, though. I already violated our agreement big time by going to his home again. That is ground for terminating me. I think this guy would be much better off with someone more well-adjusted and independent than I am, anyway Someone who isn't living with and still has to answer to their parents at age 31. Who is free to travel and vacation with him, or at least sleep over at his house. A young man who will wear makeup and stockings and panties and perfume for him, which is his 'thing'. He needs to see men feminized in order not to feel some lingering guilt over sleeping with another man (he grew up in a very Catholic household). I don't judge him for that, and I understand the logic. He shaved off all my pubic hair, a process that was a big turn on for him, but has left me feeling completely neutered and asexual. I have a bit of an attachment to my body hair. Our tastes couldn't be any more different. I like hairy, bearded, masculine men, or good looking older gentlemen (he's essentially both). He's into young men who are effeminate and prepubescent-looking (I somewhat fit that description). It would seem we are close to a perfect fit. He's into all kinds of kinky things. I'm strictly into 'the basics'. Bells and whistles turn me off. All I want is to simply admire a man's natural beauty. So, we're not exactly sexually compatible. Anyway, what this all comes down to is that he could find someone much better suited and more available to him, and I don't want to lose a therapist. Last edited by Xerox; Jul 12, 2020 at 03:10 PM.. |
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Poohbah
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#38
Ok. It sounds like you've come to a decision. Are you going to tell him it's over?
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#39
Here's the latest on that guy.
It's officially over. I saw him on the very night of my last post. We were supposed to meet again tonight. I was let go from my job on Friday. They cited 'performance concerns', and bad feedback from previous employers--although they told me I had successfully passed a background check 5 weeks ago when I was hired. It so happens that my 'representative' from an employment agency for the disabled asked my manager in person if I could take a leave of absence for this stupid ******* therapy program my therapist and psychiatrist have pressed me into going through. Two hours later, I got the call that I was being terminated. This request happened to coincide with the end of my 'probation period' (the first three weeks in which they decide whether to officially employ you or not). So anyway, I tell this gentleman not to expect to see me there any longer. Last night, he asks me if I would consider making porn for money. He says 'some kid' he knew was paid $1,000 to masturbate on camera by 'some rich guy' in California. $5,000 to have sex with someone else on camera. This 'kid' was someone who supposedly worked on his property doing something or other. He claims the most he was involved in all this was dropping the kid off at the airport. He says the kid was driven around in a limo, taken to 5 star restaurants, slept in the 'rich guy's' mansion, blah blah. I ask what makes me worth $1,000 dollars. Is it because I'm underage looking? He says yes. I ask if they have a website. He says they don't. They're 'probably just some sleezy (sic) company'. It's all 'Just some' this. 'Just some' that.... Here is another odd little moment. I tell 'Jeffrey' that I'll think about it (he introduced himself as Jeff, and I'm not really considering it at all. I know it's over by this point). He asks me to 'plz' not call him that (he seems to be deliberately making himself sound dumber). He asks me how I know his name (I know the guy as Jeff....Jeff, Jeffrey....). He asks if I've been 'checking up on him'. I must have been to know that he might be known as Jeffrey... I sent him a goodbye e-mail today. It was short and non accusatory. It was essentially 'it's me, not you' in nature. I have dirt on him. I don't want him to come after me. So, I thought it best to make it seem as if I were the problem. I've re-blocked him on my phone, deleted the e-mail address he had. I wonder if he was in California the four weeks he was supposedly in Florida visiting his son. It happens he is supposed to be returning in a week. Last edited by Xerox; Jul 18, 2020 at 11:07 PM.. |
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Poohbah
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#40
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Also, if your employer knows about your disability, it's illegal for them to fire you if your disability affects your job performance. I believe they're required to train you in an area you'll be successful in. It sounds like you were discriminated against. Quote:
I didn't understand the story about "Jeff".. ? |
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