I met someone recently, and I can't make sense of him

I am gay 31 year old male.

At the beginning of the month, I had my very first sexual experience. It was with an older man I met online. I have never been in a relationship.

I had put up an ad on Craigslist. To my surprise, I got over 30 responses. I simply wrote that I was an inexperienced 31 year old male interested in older men, ages 40-60. I added that I look younger than I am, and am short and slightly built.

I eventually got together with a man in his mid 50s. It was a positive experience, except for one mistake that has come back to haunt me.

Anyway, there was another man who contacted me that I was a bit wary of. He described himself as bi-curious, and said that he recently lost his girlfriend, who he considered the love of his life. They were into swinging and threesomes, and things of that nature. He asked if I would be interested in going camping or traveling with him. This seemed odd. He also has a particular fetish I have no interest in. It’s nothing harmful or especially kinky, it’s just not my thing. From the way he described himself however, he sounded like my type. He also conveniently lives near me. He said he was interested in having a ‘long term sex buddy’. This was also of possible interest to me.

I kept talking to him, sending him pictures, sending him videos. He wrote me at least twice a day for four weeks. We kept up a pretty steady correspondence, but I honestly didn’t think I was ever going to meet him. I kept rambling to him out of depression and boredom. I admit I didn’t take his interest very seriously.

I said at one point that I wanted someone to 'take me away like Peter Pan in the story book'. He offers to take me to Alaska.

He kept pressing me to meet him. At one point, I told him I was into witchcraft (I am, a little bit), and that I wanted to incorporate it into our sexual activities. I thought it might scare him off. He was baffled, but it didn't deter him. He still wanted to meet me. I told him he had to watch the film Mulholland Drive first. For some reason, I thought this might also put him off. Maybe he would think I was pulling his chain, or was too much of a hassle. He watched it.

Two weeks ago, on an impulse I agreed to meet him at a public park.

I almost left twice before he showed up. I started to panic. I thought I was on the verge on making a big mistake. I was about to leave for a third time when he shows up. He knows I'm there because I told him what kind of car I drive. I feel trapped.

So, we head to some picnic tables to talk. He is a rather attractive man, but he is leering at me and smoking a vape in a way that makes me feel uneasy. We talk about the film, we talk a little about ourselves. For reasons I'm not sure of, I told him my former psychologist who I carry a torch for is my father. I tell him I work at an H&M (I don't). I tell him I live in a neighborhood I don’t live in. I think I was trying to throw him off in case he didn’t have the best intentions.

I let him think I would be his first, which I regret and have felt guilty about.

I eventually feel comfortable enough that I suggest we sit in his car. We sort of feel each other over our clothing, and talk about sex. I’m nervous, but I find him very attractive and sexy.

He e-mails me a half hour later. He tells me that I’m the first man or woman he has felt attracted to in ‘a long, long time’. That I’m ‘cute as heck and very hot’. I tell him I also find him very attractive, and am interested. He invites me to go boating with him and to lunch the next day. I decline. For someone who has never had a relationship, hasn’t even had anything close to a ‘friend’ in over 15 years, this is going too fast. He’s also adamant that I spend the night at his home sometime.

We meet again two days later at the same park. I get my first kiss. I believe he said something to the effect that he wanted me to be a sort of secret boyfriend. He wants to go traveling with me, and asks If I have a passport. I do, and tell him so. He says he wants to go somewhere where he can hold my hand in public without outing himself to anyone he knows. This would be the very first time he would be openly gay in any way. Then it gets weirder. He asks me if I would like to live in his home. He says I could tell my parents he is a landlord, and I am renting a room from him (I live with my parents). I don’t really know what to say.

I can’t fathom why this man who is nearly twice my age and who barely knows me wants to have a relationship with me, and even would invite me to live with him.

That night he begs me to come over to his house right away. He says he ‘wants me so much’. He says I can leave whenever I want. I ask him to please wait until daytime Monday.

He gets very upset. He writes me back that this is what always happens when he opens up and is too honest about his feelings. I explain to him that he hasn’t driven me off. I tell him I want him to be open about his feelings, and am only a little nervous because this is new to me. The next morning he e-mails me that he’s be driven into a depression because I didn’t come over the night before, that he is living like a hermit, and that he’s becoming ‘dangerously comfortable’ with that. I think this is the last I will ever hear from him.

That night, he e-mails a picture of himself with a beard. He knows I’m attracted to guys with beards. I tell him again I find him very attractive. I’m trying to mend things with him. It seems we’re on good terms again. I tell him I’m not in a place situationally or emotionally to be in a relationship, though. He says it’s too late, we’re already in a relationship.

We message each other steadily over the weekend. I admit that my former psychologist is not my father. He is puzzled, and little upset I would lie to him, but he forgives me. He insists I give him a scan of my drivers license to prove I’m of age. I do, with everything but my picture, year of birth and first name blacked out. I also give him my phone number. He is very anxious to get together at his home.

Sunday morning, he says he wants to visit me at work. I panic. I tell him that I would meet him ‘after work’ at his place, if that would work for him. Around 8:00 that night, I’m at his place.

I’m still trying to understand why I let this happen. I find this guy very attractive, I think he’s sexy, I’m interested in having sex with him, but I’m having major reservations about him. I feel I’m about to make a major mistake, but off I go to him. The entire time I’m driving there, I feel something I’m making a huge mistake.

He lives in a very isolated area in a big farmhouse with a huge barn with a huge American flag flying off an enormous pole. I jump out of the car, and the first thing he has me do is help him take it down (this was Flag Day, by the way).

He has stuff piled up everywhere on every surface of his house. He has a 20 year old sealed jar of Pokemon-branded jelly that I remember getting as a little kid. He gives me a tour, showing me the room that I would be living in if I moved in. We get to his bedroom. He needs to go the bathroom. He leaves the door open, talking to me while sitting on the toilet and loudly defecating.

I wrote to him before I left that I was only interested in kissing and cuddling and talking. He says this is fine. We get in bed. He asks what I want to talk about. I once again explain to him that I’m not ready for a relationship. I tell him I probably wouldn’t be able to see him more than a few times. I tell him I don’t want him to be ‘hurt’, which I immediately regret saying. It was a bit presumptuous. I say what I really mean is that I don’t want him to be ‘offended’, as if there’s much of a difference. He says he’s a big boy…he can take it. It’s a very uncomfortable moment.

So, we make out, we cuddle, and go a little farther than I told him I would, but I don’t take off my pants at all. There is very good reason for this.

I’m there a couple of hours, and then take my leave. I thank him, and we say goodbye. Driving out, I take a wrong turn. He can see me from his upstairs window, and texts me I’m going the wrong way. That is the last I hear from him.

I’m not at all familiar with the area he lives in, and can hardly see a thing. I feel like a complete idiot. I end up getting home close to 11:00 at night, an hour later than my parents were expecting. I can’t explain where I was. My father and I have an argument over something unrelated.

I delete all the porn on my computer and all the e-mails I got in response to my ad. I eventually get myself together. I call my therapist and ask to see him as soon as possible. I talk to him the next morning.

Over the past two weeks, I’ve been endlessly trying to figure out what that guy wanted and why.

Part of me thinks he’s desperately lonely. I think he would have to be to think it would be at all realistic to have a relationship with me. I feel like I’m developmentally no more than 15 years old. I can’t make sense of it. I don’t have any experience with dating and relationships, so I can’t be sure of what is ’normal’ or not. Again, why would a guy who barely knows me want me to move into his home?

Why would I of all people be the first he would have a gay relationship with?

Part of me thinks he is a predator. That was my initial feeling when I first met him in person. If that were the case though, would he have stopped at getting as little as I had given him?

There’s another wrinkle to all of this. I have contracted a possible UTI, or something worse, from the first guy I had sex with. I’ve been experiencing burning urination for the past few weeks. I was tested on Friday, and put on an antibiotic. The initial results look good, but the urine sample has to be tested further to be sure if I’ve got an STI.

That is why I kept my pants on the entire time with this other man, but I feel guilty that I not only led him to believe he would be my first, but that I could have put him at possible risk.


I feel bad if he genuinely pinned any hopes on me.

I have more to say, but I'm not sure if it would make any sense.

Hello Xerox: Thank you for sharing this experience. I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry I don't think there are any insights I can offer into what you experienced with this man. I think you mentioned that, perhaps, he's just really lonely. Or, as you also mentioned, he could be a predator of some sort. The bottom line is there's really no way to know. However the speed with which he seemed to want to push your relationship would raise a red flag for me. I think, since it sounds as though you're really not interested in continuing to see him on a long-term basis anyway, the best option here may be to simply chalk this up to experience, go no-contact, and move on. At least those are my thoughts on the subject.

At the end of your post you wrote you have more to say. So perhaps you'll write more about that in subsequent posts? I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Thank you for your response.

I suspect this man has some mental health issues.


I have more than my share of my own, so I'm not prejudiced against him if he has any. I didn't think it was a good idea for two people with their own unresolved issues to be in a relationship, though. I think we would have only made each other even more unhappy.


I find myself missing him. At the same time, I'm not sure if he had the best intentions.

Some mornings, I wake up cursing myself for letting myself be taken in by this guy in any way when I felt something wasn't right about him. By night, I'm feeling sorry for him.


I didn't get to know him well enough, so I can never be sure what to make of him.


I blocked his phone number and deleted the e-mail address I wrote to him from after I spoke to my therapist, two days after I last saw him.


As I wrote, he didn't write or call me again after I left him that night. Maybe it was because he finally realized I wasn't going to do everything he wanted me to do just because he asked me. Maybe he really was seeking a relationship, and thought I had rejected him. I will never know.


My initial response was fear. I was completely paranoid for two days. I thought this guy was planning something. I thought maybe I had passed along an STI to him. I thought he was going to be out for revenge. I thought I'd have to disguise myself, or go into hiding. I realize now this was silly. I doubt I will ever hear from him again.


As far as inviting me to live with him, offering to take me to Alaska, and alluding to the fact that he has lots and lots of money to throw around (I jokingly told him that as a 'Taurus', I like material objects), he might have been trying to 'groom' me. All it did was arouse my suspicion and completely baffle me at the same time.

Guess whose back?

He texted me on Friday. I no longer had him blocked. I had instead deleted his number from my phone entirely.


So, his text came through, and here I am again talking to him again about getting together when he's back in town next week, and sending him videos of myself.


He said he had texted me several times over the past couple of weeks, but of course I couldn't have seen any of them. That still doesn't explain why he didn't text or email me the two days following our last encounter, when he wasn't blocked. This was a guy who before then e-mailed me several times a day for weeks...


I find this man very attractive and extremely sexy, but I know he is a Pandora's box. I don't know what issues he may be dealing with, but I do know I'm not equipped to be of any help.


He has said that he's estranged from most of his family, he grew up in an oppressively religious household...He wasn't popular in high school, which strikes me as odd, because he is a nice looking guy and was an athlete as a teenager. He would have been a stud in his youth. There is something off-putting about him though that I can't quite put my finger on. He seems to kind of have a chip on his shoulder, and I think he's kind of a misanthrope.


It would also be very difficult to explain to my parents, my father especially, why I am carrying on a relationship with a 60 year old man. I've always thought my attraction to older might come out of a desire to find a new father figure My therapist came to the same conclusion. I don't think this would be lost on my dad.

Ok, I get he may be lonely and wanting a secret boyfriend away where no one can find him, to live out his life as a gay man. I get he's attractive and mature which is pulling you into him. BUT your entire post creeped me out!

Please review all my bolded quotes from your post. You HAVE TO BE CAREFUL, especially with online dating from Craigslist. He could be a serial killer?

Maybe next time, he'll hide you away in his property somewhere, against your wishes, and use you for sexual favours until he's done with you. Maybe I'm being paranoid but I'd highly recommend to BLOCK HIM. Listen to your GUT INSTINCTS. You don't feel SAFE around him and probably for very good REASONS.

You are very vulnerable and at risk. He knows this by the information you've given him. You'd be a perfect target for him. He's crossing boundaries. He's moving very quickly. He is not going to care about what YOU want. He's TOLD you you're ALREADY in a RELATIONSHIP with him.. RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE!

Please be safe and err on the side of caution!!

Thank you for your thoughtful response.


I agree with everything you say, but I'm still conflicted.


I figure if he is a predator, he'd consider me an ideal target. He knows I have mental health issues (at least depression), that I have never had a relationship, that I have a low self image. He figures I could be easily won over.


The thing is that I know he is a weirdo. I knew he was from his very first email.


I've told him I'm not looking for a relationship. I've told him it's not realistic that I live with him (the idea is completely absurd). I've told him I wasn't interesting in traveling with him. I could see through his emotional manipulating (I don't buy at all he was experiencing depression on account of me).


He also claims he hasn't had sex in 5 years. I don't buy that at all, either.

Can he not see I'm not quite as dumb and impressionable as he would like me to be? I thought he finally realized this, and lost interest when he didn't contact me after that night at his house.



If this guy were purely interested in sex, I am down for it. He knows that. I don't see why he's expressing interest--whether it's genuine or not--for something beyond that?

Nothing makes complete sense about him to me.

And get this.



Last night I was trying to figure out where exactly is it he lives (he's evasive about giving me an address...). I came upon a 'police blotter' describing an incident in 2012 in which he had a bunch of underage kids at his house 'under the influence'.


To be fair, it might not have been anything worse than allowing his son (who would have been 18 at the time) to have some friends over, and letting them drink. It was on Halloween night. Neighbors complained about the noise. I must have been a party of sorts.

I've also looked up whether he's been registered as a sex offender, and he isn't.

[I also found out he isn't 'close to twice my age' as he said. He's over twice by age at 63. Not that it really care. That's the least troublesome thing about him.]



I know I'm probably giving this guy too much of the benefit of the doubt. I do still very much want to know more about this Halloween incident.


I think I'm just smart enough to see through his act, but I think I'm dumb enough to have sex with him again.



One thing that bothers me about my own behavior is that I have felt guilty, and kept apologizing to him about things.


I apologized that I sent him so many 'weird' emails. I apologized that I wasn't honest about who my father was. I apologized all the way I was driving to him because I was lost. I apologized that I got coconut oil on his sheets--which he had asked me to use on him in bed--which he pointed out he had just cleaned 'especially for me'.

I think he likes apologies. I think he wants me to feel sorry for him.

Well... I'm an old man... even older than your "pursuer". Old men, particularly around your pursuer's age, sometimes get lonely perhaps even desperately so... especially if there is something about them (such as their sexual orientation or paraphilias) that sets them apart from mainstream society. I know this (or at least I think I do) because I would likely be such a person except that, for some reason... perhaps just basic fear, I've mostly been able to construct & maintain a façade of "normalcy" over the years. I could tell you a story relating to myself. But I'll spare us both that.)

So, at least from my perspective, it's perfectly possible what you're seeing from this gentleman is simply a reflection of his age, his loneliness, desperation & fear at growing older alone. On the other hand, you certainly have a whole laundry-list of unanswered questions & legitimate concerns with regard to his intentions. And it does seem to me your "friend", so to speak, is pushing the whole relationship much too hard (& much to his own detriment) thus leaving lots of opportunity for suspicion on your part.

The thing is... you've mentioned several times in your posts here in this thread, as I recall, that you're really not interested in any kind of real relationship. You're mostly just interested in sex. It seems to me that, under those circumstances, there is no up side to continuing to have any kind of interaction with this man.

Either he is, in fact, a predator in which case you are potentially in danger or, in the alternative, he's just a very lonely desperate older gentleman in which case your continuing to be willing to have sex with him might really be seen as unkind. And the reality is there's no way to know for certain which set of potential realities is the accurate one. So at least my own personal opinion is, since you're really not interested in any kind of meaningful relationship anyway, end this now once & for all before either you or he are hurt any more than you already are. To my way of thinking, no good can come from continuing to string this out any longer than it has been already.

Here's a link to an article, from PC's archives, that I think is apropos. It's about divorce. So the primary topic is not relevant to you. But I think the sentiment, as reflected in the title, is:

Want a Divorce? Stop the Emotional Yo-Yo and Be Clear About It

Thank you for your insightful response. You've given me a lot to consider.

I don't want to hurt this guys feelings. If he is simply a somewhat odd, very lonely man then I empathize with him.

I did try to 'break it to him gently', and he only seemed annoyed that I thought he would care that I would hurt his feelings.

I have thought that If I were in the right place emotionally and situationally, I might consider a 'casual friends with benefits' relationship as he expressed interest in in the beginning.

Maybe even without 'benefits'. I did send him e-mails that weren't sexual in nature at all, but about my depression. There was something about him that made me confide in him, but he didn't seem to understand what I was talking about at all. He was even alarmed when I mentioned I see a therapist, and have been hospitalized in the past. Those were big red flags for him.

As is it, I don't think I'm right for him. I'm not at all mature enough to help him with whatever troubles he has had over 63 years, as well as my own issues at 31. Like I said, I think we would only make each other more unhappy.

That I'm so conflicted, can't be sure of anything about him, and have no idea how to deal sensitively with this guy...It's obvious this wouldn't end well, and should stop before this goes any farther.

I wish I had a way of telling him these things.

ETA: I think the fact that this post is so at odds with my last one goes to show how confused I am.

It's possible that despite all the red flags you've picked up, the fact that he wants you as much as he says he does, is enough of a reason for you to overlook all the potential dangers of this pairing. I mean, you're ignoring your gut instincts about him potentially being a predator. Don't predators kill their catch? It doesn't matter if he is or isn't. You're ignoring signs your body is telling you and that's a problem.. you're playing with fire.

You are important and deserve to find a person you feel safe with.. even a casual sexual encounter.. be safe. And you're right.. you're not responsible for his 63 years worth of "baggage".. and maybe you connected with him because of your own. Toxic feeds toxic.

He's good looking and sexy, ok. Is he worth it if you're only interested in a handful of encounters? If you're not as gullible as he thinks you are, you sure are giving him the torch.

If you have to be with him, find a nearby motel. Don't get lost (or trapped) on his farm.

I don't know why I met him to begin with. I didn't think we were a good match in all that time that we were writing. We have some conflicting interests sexually, and I let him know that. For one, he has this fetish that doesn't register with me at all. As I said, I had also told him over and over again that I wasn't ready for a relationship.


I'm an impulsive person. It's one of my worst traits, and I've never been able to overcome it. I did something only an hour ago on an impulse I regret. I don't catch myself in time, or I don't care about the consequences in the moment. Sometimes I think I need to stage a disaster in order to make life interesting. I'm afraid of taking this guy down with me.


It was on an impulse that I met him. That he was so overwhelmingly interested in someone he'd never even seen in person both alienated me and piqued my curiosity.


I suppose the good thing is that I feel a kind of disillusionment with him now, although I don't know what illusions I had of him before.


I know whatever his real interest or intentions are, if he is a predator or simply extremely lonely, I'm not doing either of us any favors by continuing to stay in contact with him.

[I tested negative for any STIs, by the way, but the day he contacted me again I began experiencing burning urination again. I thought the symptoms might have been somatic in the first place].

This impulsiveness may cost you your life. Maybe he's harmless but he doesn't sound well put together or stable to me. You play with him, you may end up pissing him off and regretting that, too.

At this point, sex is a driven factor for the both of you. You're both lonely, curious, and wanting something interesting to come out of this.

Be careful, though.

I always thought that if I were to end my life, it would be on an impulse. I've told my therapist that many times.


I'm already afraid of what he might do if I upset him. That's why I was so paranoid the two days following the night at his house. I thought I had done something when he didn't make any contact the following two days. I thought he was out to get me.

So what are you going to do now?

I think the one thing that will scare him away is to remind him of the fact that I have some degree of mental health issues.

He was alarmed by the fact that I see a therapist. I thought he was backing out once I let him know I had enough issues that I need to see a therapist, and was hospitalized before. He was suddenly very suspicious and had a lot of questions. For some reason, he seemed especially spooked by the fact that I'm in therapy. That was yet another thing that struck me as odd. I've come to think maybe he is afraid of my having someone I would confide in to about him. Once he knew that, I thought it was over then and there, three weeks and hundreds of emails ago.

I was thinking of telling him something like my therapist thinks I need ECT treatments again, and I wouldn't be available Thurdays because I'd be at the hospital (I was getting ECT treatments at one time).

I think this is the one thing I can play off of that wouldn't anger him, or hurt his feelings, and would scare him away at the same time.

I still think he's hot, I still think he's sexy. I'd like to have sex with him, but I think I've come to my senses. I simply can't go through with this. I've realized there is much more at risk than there is to gain.

I'm not sure ECT will scare him away. From what I understand, it's to treat depression, no? He's already claimed to suffer from it so he may not run the other way.

If you're sexually attracted to him, that's tough because it makes it harder to resist, and on so many different accounts, as well. That sucks for you.

Give up on Craigslist! Personal ads generally attract shady people. Oy.

How about trying online dating? You're young. This guy finds you attractive so I'm sure others will, too, and you can try again by meeting someone nice.. at the very least, someone who is "not" a potential serial killer lol

I don't think he's ever received treatment for depression. He thought I must be insane because I do. He's probably never heard of ECT. I thinking of saying 'shock treatments'. It sounds scarier.


Or I would tell him that my psychiatrist is considering hospitalizing me again, because I've been especially impulsive and destructive lately (not entirely untrue), so I might not be around for a week. This would all give him an out. He could say he feels he needs to give me time to recover.


I can live without him, and I won't be going on Craigslist anytime soon. The first experience I had with the other guy I think was all I really needed. I'm still interested in this guy. I'm actually more attracted to him sexually, and think he would be a very exciting lover. There is no way this will end well for either of us if I let it go any further, though.

So, my therapist has officially forbidden me to stay in contact with this man. He says he will have to terminate our relationship if I continue to see him.

He agreed that he was less likely to be a predator if he had already had me in his bed without raping or taking my life. He told me I was taking still taking a huge risk, with the potential of harming myself and this guy, but that as an adult I had a choice.

When I told him about the Halloween incident, he put his foot down.

He's referring to himself as my boyfriend now, and is planning on taking a camping trip with me to the South West, and a jaunt to San Francisco.


This Republican, closeted budding LGBT man wants to be openly gay with me, at least in some part of the country. He's counting down the days until he can see me again. Everyone of his emails ends with an 'XOXO'.

I'm feeling really sad right, both for myself and for him. This is f***ing terrible.

He just called me.

I was sweating bullets the entire time. He says he misses me...just wanted to talk.


He has this weirdly detached voice. He sounds exactly like Mister Rogers, which makes him all the creepier.

I told him my therapist is concerned that I have been thinking too impulsively lately, as far as self-harm. I said he was afraid for my safety as well as his own.


The guy says everything will be all right...nothing to be worried about.

It's weird hearing his voice, and how much it contrasts with the content of his emails.

I swear this guy somehow knows I've been talking about him online.

What makes you think that?