advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
delevi
New Member
delevi has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2021
Location: Poland
Posts: 2
2 yr Member
Post Jul 03, 2021 at 05:52 PM
  #1
Hi. I'm lost in my life. And here is my story:

Background

I'm 24yo male. I live in Poland (Eastern Europe). Normal family, happy childhood. In middle-school I had my first depression episode. I was very shy back then. I felt alone. That's how I discovered porn. Got addicted, still to this day (doing that everyday 1-3 times a day). After graduation I moved to different city alone. I went to college and I was working.

Mental problems

I moved from my parents so I was alone in different city. Didn't have friends there so I started to have panic attacks. Got medication, but it was getting worse. In meantime I discovered adult webcams.

My tastes

I admire women body and all women's stuff. I'm also hypersexual, thinking about sex all the time. I guess it may be because of the porn addiction. But I started to experimenting. I started to wear women's stuff like heels, bras, dresses etc. but not in bad way in my opinion. I wanted to look like normal woman. Sure, I started to do those webcams and I was good at it (earned 2000$ in month). I felt good in "that skin". It felt good because someone thought that I was a woman. But it was also hurting me - I had panic attacks, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I was ashamed. I knew that I was doing something that society doesn't accept.

Obsession

I really love heels. Don't know why. Sure, I do all woman's stuff - dresses, stockings, jewelry, makeup etc, but I do love heels the most. If I could, I would have a full wardrobe of them. I love wearing them, walking in them, and just looking at them. I prefer watching them in porn, and it's hard to not look at other girls wearing them. I watch them in stores or search them online if I've got some free time

First coming-out

I told about webcams to my best friend and he accepted it, it felt good that he supports me. Then my mom discovered my clothes, had a talk but we don't talk about itanymore.

First sex

I started my sex life when I was 21yo. My first sex was with 50yo woman found online. I don't regret that, we met few times and it was pretty good, because she was dressed in nice clothes, heels, something that I like and I'd wear myself. Then a sex with 26yo. Also good.

Illness

Shortly after starting my sex life, I got seriously ill (hearth issues from flu virus), but I cured it and now I'm good.

Girlfriend

Shortly after leaving hospital, I met next girl online, but she was different. She was nice. We talked a lot, and we liked each other. We are together 1.5 year now. It is my first long-term relationship, got a lot of issues, but she cured my depression, and then she got depressed becaused I told her about my addictions and stuff I did. She tries to treat it to this day. We don't do much sex, because she doesn't quite like it. She's feminist, so she doesn't approve that I like high heels, underwear etc. and I did webcams, because it "objectify" women.

Going out public

My "need" to dress up like woman intesified lately. I want to try to dress up and go out into public. My girlfriend knows about it. I can do it, but I'm not sure if she is accepting that in 100%.

Who am I

If I woke up one day and had to choose to be woman/man, then I'd choose to be a woman. But I'm a man. And I don't want to change my gender (physically). I accept my role in society. I don't know why I want to be a woman. I think that I'm not bad looking, I watch and read a lot of science-related things, so I think that I'm quite smart. I work in IT. I think that I'm funny, and yet, I want to "try to be someone else".

Natural look

I'm trying to be 100% natural woman, not like sex-doll or trans with a lot of makeup, 30cm heels etc.. I try to be that woman you can meet in the bus, restaurant, street, work. But still, it's often connected with sexual fantasies.

Summary

- I don't want to change my gender
- I want "to be a woman" sometimes
- I feel satisfaction from "cheating" other people to think that I'm a woman
- I want to dress up like my "ideal woman" in my head (to be very feminine)
- It is often connected with sexual fantasies
- Im not interested in men. Even if I'm dressed up, if sexual fantasies are involved - Im thinking that I'm doing it with women

Questions

- Why am I like this? Is it due to porn addiction? Or is it just the way I am?
- Can it be a dual personality?
- What should I do? Should I dress up and go out public? Won't it hurt my girlfriend?
- Can it work? Can I be a man, and sometimes be "a girl" for few hours?
- If my "public go out" will be success, can it be a new addiction instead (or with) porn addiction?
- How to talk about that stuff with my girlfriend? Even if she's trying to accept my "strange side", it's quite weird to talk about for both of us
- It's hard for me to choose my path. Should I force trying to stop thinking about being a woman? Or should I just let it go and do whatever I want?
- Can it be "acting"? Like Hollywood? I'm thinking sometimes that it is like being an actor - can I be that good actor that people will think that I'm a woman? Like playing a role?

Thank you for reading and any answers. If you've got any questions, I'd be happy to answer.
delevi is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Skeezyks

advertisement
Skeezyks
Disreputable Old Troll
 
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: The Star of the North
Posts: 32,762 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
17.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Smile Jul 04, 2021 at 07:54 PM
  #2
Hello delevi: Unfortunately I haven't had time, today, to read & reply to your post. But I noticed this is your first post here on MSF. So I wanted to at least welcome you to the forums. I hope you find being here to be of benefit. I'll try to spend some time tomorrow reading through your post more thoroughly replying. Best wishes...
Skeezyks is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Skeezyks
Disreputable Old Troll
 
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: The Star of the North
Posts: 32,762 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
17.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Smile Jul 05, 2021 at 01:01 PM
  #3
Hi again delevi: So... I read through your post. And you have quite a few questions at least some of which have are no simple "yes or no" answers. I think I could write a very long reply to all of this which, quite honestly, I don't really want to do. (Plus I don't know how effectively I could do it.) But I do have a couple of suggestions for you.

My first suggestion would be to spend some time reading posts on a transgender website. Many of the questions you have, have been asked by many others in the past who have gender identity concerns. And I think you would find answers to many of your questions on a transgender forum website. There are several you could choose from. But I think the one I would recommend in particular is: "Transpulse" Here's a link to their forums:

Transpulse & TransGender Pulse Forums

If you look down the list of the forums on Transpulse you'll see one titled: "What Am I? I'm Not Sure." That one, in particular, would be useful for you to peruse at length I would think.

And then my second suggestion would be, if you want to, private message me so we can communicate regarding all of this. I'll just mention though (just so you know) I'm an old man albeit one who has waged a life-long struggle with my own gender identity. (I never transitioned.) So, while I don't have experience with the webcam aspects of your situation, I'm pretty familiar with a lot of the other things you've experienced as well as the concerns you have.

So I think I'll leave it at that for now. I guess the other couple of things I would just say here are that you're not alone in what you're experiencing. (Perhaps you already know that. In my case I didn't know it literally for decades. I thought I was the only person in the history of the world who had ever been saddled with such desires.) And the other thing that is always strongly recommended is that a person find a mental health therapist to work with, preferably one who is knowledgeable regarding gender identity issues; a therapist who is not can do more harm than good (in my experience.) Best wishes...
Skeezyks is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
delevi
delevi
New Member
delevi has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2021
Location: Poland
Posts: 2
2 yr Member
Default Jul 07, 2021 at 03:26 PM
  #4
Hi,
Thanks for your reply and thanks for the offer, it'd be great to talk about it, but I think that I can't (need greater level or something).
I'll check the link that you gave me.


And to be honest I don't even know how to start talking about it. I've got a lot of thoughts and there is a lot of topics and it's quite overwhelming...
delevi is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:42 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.