Asexual

I'm asexual due to my past traumas. I've decided to be asexual after many attempts at different romantic relationships.

I don't know if I'm part of the "+" in the LGBTQ+ community, or if I'm just considered a separate category altogether, so I posted this here.

Is it possible to want a romantic relationship without the sex? This is the ultimate question I ask myself as I ponder what a romantic relationship would be like for someone like me.

I've been dealing with PTSD and dissociation for a long enough time to know that I'm not going to heal sexually anytime soon - if not ever. I have too many physiological disorders on top of my mental disorders. My stamina just isn't there to doll myself up either. Sure, I'd love to get close - intimately, emotionally, and somewhat physically (holding hands, hugging, cuddling), but I get scared of being close with even friends and my therapist. It's hard enough with that.

When I tried relationships in the past, I cried during or after being physically intimate. I just can't do it. Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, dissociation, body memories - all of it - too painful for me to continue in relationships.

I admire watching romantic movies, romantic comedies, and romantic engagements in television shows. I just can't imagine any of that for me in real life. It never happened for me.

I think I am still grieving over all of my losses throughout my life - the many missed opportunities and the woman I could have been had it not been for many different traumas. It saddens me to think about me and my asexuality.

Even the course on the psychology of women I took described asexuality as being some sort of dysfunction, as opposed to it being a choice like everyone else in the LGBTQ+ community. I think they even discussed it as being a divided option - those whose asexuality was from birth versus those whose asexuality was from some trauma, including sexual trauma, medical trauma, or physical trauma. I thought that was divisive. It was a painful course. It bummed me out and made me feel even more alone and ostracized than I already was. I think I cried for a few weeks because of that lesson.

I am hoping that there are some positives to being asexual. I never hear about it anywhere. People talk about sex, but they rarely talk about asexuality.

I think I even felt a tad bit offended when I watched Spock on the new Star Trek movie. I thought I was like the old Spock, since I considered him to be asexual. When the new Spock showed him with a girlfriend, I was kind of disheartened. I mean, I was happy for Spock and loved the movie and the couple very much. I just wanted someone to represent asexuality in a positive way.

I think Data might be more along the lines of what I'm feeling. Or perhaps the non-human, but humanlike Ex Machina lady. But then again, the Ex Machina lady knew how to seduce and pretend in order to escape. So that doesn't count.

I don't know what I'm thinking anymore.

I’m not asexual, but I can imagine how it must feel to be dismissed in the ways you describe. It would be nice if people weren’t so defensive, because nobody chooses their sexuality and nobody lives in a vacuum.
As for your first question, it certainly is possible to want, and even have, an intimate romantic relationship without sex. But it is, sadly, difficult to find other people who don’t place a high (even overinflated) value on sex, over friendship - which is what good relationships are based on.

wondering if you are confusing the term asexual with choosing to be celibate.

celibate means a person who chooses to not have any sexual relationships. this is a choice thing based on all kinds of things. life style, trauma, ....

Asexual is a person who has no sexual desires, no sexual feelings or emotions (ie they do not hate nor like nor love sex, ) this is not usually a choice. a person is born this way. like a person is born gay, lesbian, bisexual. its not something that is learned and chosen its how a person is.

I did not choose to be a lesbian, I was born a lesbian.
a friend of mine did not choose to be asexual, she was born that way where her body has no sexual responses at all.

your post shows emotion words when talking about sex example...

"I'd love to get close - intimately, emotionally, and somewhat physically (holding hands, hugging, cuddling), but I get scared...."

"I cried during or after being physically intimate"

if you were like my friend who is asexual you would not desire or have an interest in becoming closely intimate and you wouldnt have an emotional reaction during intimacy.

but many sexual abuse survivors do go through a period of time, be it months or years choosing to live with celibacy (choosing to not have a sex life) due to it causes them flashbacks to the abuse.

my suggestion is talk with your treatment providers. they can help you figure out if your "sexual orientation" is asexual or whether this is a personal choice that you be celibate.

Thank you!

I really just miss good friendship and innocent, friendly, NON-romantic hugs.

I also enjoy living alone.

I miss socializing in person with people, but I also miss being very close to people in real life. I miss eating out together, sharing secrets, hearing the latest scuttlebutt in town. I miss shopping with others, going to the movies, going to amusement parks, going to local events.

I've not been able to do much of that before the pandemic. But I'm still in pandemic mode, so I'm utterly alone now.

Zoom helps, but I mainly see people I know by phone. Only my psychotherapist and recreational rehabilitation therapist see me online.

I have difficulty talking about sexual stuff with anyone. That's where online groups help because then I could just quietly bow out without anyone knowing. If I were in person or being spoken to directly about sexual stuff online, then I would assert my boundaries and bow out but still feel a little shaken inside. I just can't feel comfortable with that anymore. I feel "icky."

FYI: "Asexuality exists on a spectrum, because sexual attraction is notoriously hard to define, and people who feel they might experience sexual attraction in some limited way are still allowed to identify as asexual."

The issue: Being excluded from the "+" part of the LGBTQ+ group because of people's narrowed assumption and definitions of asexuality and other issues. In a Psychology of Women course as well as from my VA LGBTQ+ social work mentor in the Pacific Northwest, LGBTQ+ is a fluid group, so anyone can define themselves as anything and SHOULD be accepted. It's a different group from mainstream heterosexuality for a reason. Therefore, asexuals can self-represent, and excluding them with other non-inclusive terms like "celibate" instead of "asexuality" is the antithesis of what the group is supposed to be for, and part of the exclusion that I've felt, which is the point of this post. It's to be inclusive, which is what the LGBTQ+ group is supposed to stand for - not exclusive. Some even add "IA" to include both intersexuals and asexuals, in addition to allies.

Having other people trying to define how I am by white privilege or heterosexual privilege is more harmful than good - even for traumatized asexuals who self-identify and will differ from other "typical asexuals" that are privileged with their own definitions. Trauma should also be inclusive, and that is what is being taught in diversity and cultural competency programs, lest they be banned by the privileged groups for being too non-conservative. We don't always fit into a cookie-cutter definition that white privileged non-heterosexuals also rule. There is more inclusivity than that when it comes to those groups, which are yet again divided because of white supremacy, when truly studying and believing in the tenets of CRT and the harms that many non-white LGBTQ+ members have constantly experienced. Such microaggressions are offensive, segregating, judgmental, and harmful.

This thread is being closed at the OP's request.