Senior with sexual issues.........

I've been with my SO for over 40 years. It's been a tumult relationship. Marriage , divorce, breakups, etc...... When we were younger we made love almost all the time. Now after some physical issues she won't even touch me. This is driving's me insane because I don't like to self please anymore. Porn doesn't turn me on anymore and I have no intention of cheating.
But she will not cooperate with me. She's had a few medical issues that have reduced her hormone level to 0. She says she won't interact with me because it would remind her of what she's missing. Isn't that kind of selfish ? I do everything I can to make her happy in other ways. Why can't she just try and please me out of love for me ? I tried to make this as short as possible.
Bottom line is that I'm become very frustrated and depressed.
I'm looking for a new therapists as usual and she's not interested and therapy since I'm the one with the problem.
I'm so tired of this. My self esteem is rock bottom.

I am so sorry you are in that situation. You mentioned therapists. Do you think your wife would consent to go to couples therapy? Having your own personal therapist might be helpful to you in your distress.

It can't be easy being you in this situation. Wish I knew how to help but sadly I am at a loss. Hopefully others here with more knowledge, experience and insight will see your post and prove helpful to you. Sorry I could not be helpful to you in this!

My wife & I have been married for over 40 years as well. And I guess yours & our relationships have similar problems except that, in mine, it's me that no longer has an interest in sex.

Similar to your wife, my own lack of interest in sex came to a head, so to speak, as a result of a medical / surgical issue. (But also, all of my life, I have struggled with gender identity issues. And that has played a role as well. But then, that's another whole story in-&-of itself.)

Honestly, I can't say whether or not your wife's refusal to "cooperate with you" is selfish or not. All I can say is that, in my own case, the interest (or desire perhaps) simply isn't there anymore. And so, to try to do it for the sake of my spouse (fortunately I don't have too) would simply be more emotionally / psychologically difficult than I could tolerate on an ongoing basis. So I must admit, I sympathize with your wife.

You mentioned you're looking for a therapist. And I think that's a good thing. I think about starting to see a therapist (again) myself from time-to-time. However, in my case, I always come to the conclusion I'm just too old to make it worthwhile. Plus there's nothing a therapist could say that would change anything anyway. It all just is what it is. (Hopefully you can have a different outcome.) I do think it's unfortunate your wife is taking the position she's taking with regard to her participating in therapy. But I understand that as well because my wife also refuses to have anything to do with therapy: individual, couples, or otherwise.

Under any circumstances, I wish you well. I'm sorry I don't have anything to offer that can be of help. But, hopefully, knowing there are others out there who have similar sorts of problems can at least be of some small comfort. My best wishes to you...

My hubby and I are in our sixties. He's not interested in dealings with me either, but I just take care of my own needs from time to time. Intercourse is painful for us ladies as we get older, but some serious kissing and touching would be nice.

I'm sorry your significant other is not interested either. Have you really told her how much some sort of sexual contact means to you? (I haven't said anything to my husband, since I'm thinking he's stressed out as it is.)

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Originally Posted by Skeezyks My wife & I have been married for over 40 years as well. And I guess yours & our relationships have similar problems except that, in mine, it's me that no longer has an interest in sex. Similar to your wife, my own lack of interest in sex came to a head, so to speak, as a result of a medical / surgical issue. (But also, all of my life, I have struggled with gender identity issues. And that has played a role as well. But then, that's another whole story in-&-of itself.) Honestly, I can't say whether or not your wife's refusal to "cooperate with you" is selfish or not. All I can say is that, in my own case, the interest (or desire perhaps) simply isn't there anymore. And so, to try to do it for the sake of my spouse (fortunately I don't have too) would simply be more emotionally / psychologically difficult than I could tolerate on an ongoing basis. So I must admit, I sympathize with your wife. You mentioned you're looking for a therapist. And I think that's a good thing. I think about starting to see a therapist (again) myself from time-to-time. However, in my case, I always come to the conclusion I'm just too old to make it worthwhile. Plus there's nothing a therapist could say that would change anything anyway. It all just is what it is. (Hopefully you can have a different outcome.) I do think it's unfortunate your wife is taking the position she's taking with regard to her participating in therapy. But I understand that as well because my wife also refuses to have anything to do with therapy: individual, couples, or otherwise. Under any circumstances, I wish you well. I'm sorry I don't have anything to offer that can be of help. But, hopefully, knowing there are others out there who have similar sorts of problems can at least be of some small comfort. My best wishes to you...

Hi Skeezyks .....Thanks for your input , you offered up a lot ! It's certainly interesting how we are very similar in many ways, ( except this one ! )
I think I quite understand why you feel the way you do ( like you said , that's another whole thread ! ).

You said , in a very polite way , that you can sympathize with my wife's feelings on this issue and you made me think about how it's unfair for me to be so demanding. I'm not " forcing " her to do anything but it sure feels like it. In short , I have to admit that my pride , ego , and self esteem has bottomed out. And there's such a lack of trust that I feel she's doing this on purpose.

I feel like I have to make up for lost time. But I'll never get it back. I refuse to believe it's lost. What happened ? I turned around one minute and it was all gone. Did I make the right choice way back when ??

Lastly I just want to address the T issue. I'm starting to think myself that it's all a gimmick and I could probably teach a lot of these snot noses a thing or two about how to deal with life.
I know what needs to be done. Some times you have a choice and sometimes you don't. My own mind is my worst enemy.
Too much in fighting.

Okay..... enough for now. Thank you and take care of yourself.
All the best.......

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Originally Posted by Travelinglady My hubby and I are in our sixties. He's not interested in dealings with me either, but I just take care of my own needs from time to time. Intercourse is painful for us ladies as we get older, but some serious kissing and touching would be nice. I'm sorry your significant other is not interested either. Have you really told her how much some sort of sexual contact means to you? (I haven't said anything to my husband, since I'm thinking he's stressed out as it is.)

Hi Travelinglady .............So we're in the same age bracket with a similar problem. An uninterested partner ! Ok ..... I'll get right to it. As far as intercourse is concerned , that went out the window YEARS ago. I won't get into the specifics but because of several severe physical issues that is no longer an option, ( or so I was told ). Lubricant at one time made it possible , but you need a little cooperation to make it work.

As far as self pleasing ..... well let's just say it's harder for me to achieve its goal than it would be for her. And I just don't feel like it anymore.
But like you said , some serious kissing and touching would be nice. And it doesn't have to be at night with the lights out and her falling asleep on me. If she showed some physical affection during the course of the day I'd be much happier.
And I've told her many times how much this means to me and I just get no response.
I can understand why you haven't said anything to your husband yet because all you'll probably get is a feeling that your bothering him.

Anyhow , thanks for the input. I know I'm not alone in this but the frustration goes on...
Best to you...

I do hug and kiss my husband during the day, and he likes that.

I do need to bring the issue up with him again. We used to like massaging each other with lotion. Maybe he'd go for that.

I've read that some women don't like the hugging and kissing because they fear the man would then expect something more from them. Just a thought.

There are fake men's and women's parts that some people use for enjoyment. We've used a dildo at some point in the past. Maybe you could check out the female version (when your wife is not around?)

We had an argument last night concerning my feelings. She could give 2 ****s. I'm beginning to find out that I don't really even like her anymore. I'm going to start sleeping in a different room. I don't want to be near her anymore. It's weird because all I've been hearing lately is people getting divorced. I'm going to work on putting my feelings on the back burner. I'm going to start doing things without her. If I wait for her to say , " sure , I'd like to take a trip with you " , I'll be dead. I need to start living before it's too late......No sex , no affection , can make me a very unhappy person. I'm already depressed from a young age.
And fearful. Plus the physical pain doesn't help.....

Would she agree to a divorce?

I saw a headline recently (CNN?) that divorces in your age group are on the rise because people nowadays expect to live much longer and do not want to settle for less than a satisfying life (I am paraphrasing the headline). Why not consider it? If you call it quits now, you are likely to still remain friends, but if you continue on the trajectory you have outlined in your posts, you will eventually be out of that option, too, due to the accumulated bitterness.

You should consider all the time you've put into the relationship but if she's not willing to seek any therapy then you should go alone.. communicate your feelings to her and if she still is unreceptive then moving on should be a definite consideration on your part.. Good luck

Thank you all for your input. Yes divorce can be an option but there are financial reasons that keep that from happening. Although I'm sure I can make it on my own it would be tough because of the inflation issues in the U.S. I mean the cost of housing alone would put me in dire straits. I'm just going to live my life and she can live hers. I don't think she would even care if I cheated on her , just to get me out of her hair.
I'll seek the affection elsewhere. I'll seek other means of pleasure. It is time to move on. I've been such a fool for so long.
Thanks again...

I don't think you've been a fool at all. I'm new to this thread but these are complex issues. If you are planning to seek sex outside of your marriage, I think you should be honest with her, and she might be okay with it.

I'm late to this discussion but it's so important to talk about these things. I'm female, happily married 54. We always had a good sex life, but then I experienced "vaginal atrophy" a few years ago, which basically just means shrinking of the vagina, usually due to menopause. I couldn't understand why sex was suddenly painful, at least at first. I got prescribed a hormone cream which helped, but honestly then I read in a menopausal website to try masturbation. So in the name of science (lol) I did - problem solved. BTW no dildos or anything were needed.


Then my husband (who is 64) got ED. He just has no interest in sex anymore, and also says he's not attracted to me at my current weight (I'm obese but not morbidly so). We have been going through intense stresses for other reasons so I haven't pushed the issue. I self-pleasure at least once a week to keep everything working (honestly I don't have much drive either). So... I am losing weight then I will raise the issue again. ED drugs work for him but give him a headache afterwards. I am just not willing to spend the rest of my life sexless - what if I live to be 100???? Half my life with no sex?

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Originally Posted by Samicat I don't think you've been a fool at all. I'm new to this thread but these are complex issues. If you are planning to seek sex outside of your marriage, I think you should be honest with her, and she might be okay with it.

Your right ....these are very complex issues that involve many different things. I'm like you.....sex was a very important part of my life. I mean , if I have to give it up for medical or whatever reason then I have no choice but to accept it. BUT , if there's even a sliver of hope then I have to try. I already told her I didn't want to go outside the marriage and she didn't respond. I don't think she would even care , as long as I didn't bother her with it anymore.

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Originally Posted by skylerpenny1 You should consider all the time you've put into the relationship but if she's not willing to seek any therapy then you should go alone.. communicate your feelings to her and if she still is unreceptive then moving on should be a definite consideration on your part.. Good luck

I found out the other day what this is REALLY all about. It's about the past. She's still carrying a grudge against me for perceived wrongs done to her over 20 years ago ! She just don't let ***** go !! How much longer do I have to pay for stuff I didn't do ? I think I'm going to be very sick....

I'm replying to myself now. I know this is a sensitive issue amongst people with the kind of problem I'm going through.
Please , anybody who would like to discuss this privately please PM me. Best of luck to myself and everyone else who is having their sex life ruined because of an insensitive partner.