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Old 11-10-2022, 07:49 AM   #1
moodyblue83
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Default Senior with sexual issues.........

I've been with my SO for over 40 years. It's been a tumult relationship. Marriage , divorce, breakups, etc...... When we were younger we made love almost all the time. Now after some physical issues she won't even touch me. This is driving's me insane because I don't like to self please anymore. Porn doesn't turn me on anymore and I have no intention of cheating.
But she will not cooperate with me. She's had a few medical issues that have reduced her hormone level to 0. She says she won't interact with me because it would remind her of what she's missing. Isn't that kind of selfish ? I do everything I can to make her happy in other ways. Why can't she just try and please me out of love for me ? I tried to make this as short as possible.
Bottom line is that I'm become very frustrated and depressed.
I'm looking for a new therapists as usual and she's not interested and therapy since I'm the one with the problem.
I'm so tired of this. My self esteem is rock bottom.
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Old 11-10-2022, 02:14 PM   #2
Yaowen
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Default Re: Senior with sexual issues.........

I am so sorry you are in that situation. You mentioned therapists. Do you think your wife would consent to go to couples therapy? Having your own personal therapist might be helpful to you in your distress.

It can't be easy being you in this situation. Wish I knew how to help but sadly I am at a loss. Hopefully others here with more knowledge, experience and insight will see your post and prove helpful to you. Sorry I could not be helpful to you in this!
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Old 11-10-2022, 03:22 PM   #3
Skeezyks
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Smile Re: Senior with sexual issues.........

My wife & I have been married for over 40 years as well. And I guess yours & our relationships have similar problems except that, in mine, it's me that no longer has an interest in sex.

Similar to your wife, my own lack of interest in sex came to a head, so to speak, as a result of a medical / surgical issue. (But also, all of my life, I have struggled with gender identity issues. And that has played a role as well. But then, that's another whole story in-&-of itself.)

Honestly, I can't say whether or not your wife's refusal to "cooperate with you" is selfish or not. All I can say is that, in my own case, the interest (or desire perhaps) simply isn't there anymore. And so, to try to do it for the sake of my spouse (fortunately I don't have too) would simply be more emotionally / psychologically difficult than I could tolerate on an ongoing basis. So I must admit, I sympathize with your wife.

You mentioned you're looking for a therapist. And I think that's a good thing. I think about starting to see a therapist (again) myself from time-to-time. However, in my case, I always come to the conclusion I'm just too old to make it worthwhile. Plus there's nothing a therapist could say that would change anything anyway. It all just is what it is. (Hopefully you can have a different outcome.) I do think it's unfortunate your wife is taking the position she's taking with regard to her participating in therapy. But I understand that as well because my wife also refuses to have anything to do with therapy: individual, couples, or otherwise.

Under any circumstances, I wish you well. I'm sorry I don't have anything to offer that can be of help. But, hopefully, knowing there are others out there who have similar sorts of problems can at least be of some small comfort. My best wishes to you...
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Old 11-14-2022, 12:32 PM   #4
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Default Re: Senior with sexual issues.........

My hubby and I are in our sixties. He's not interested in dealings with me either, but I just take care of my own needs from time to time. Intercourse is painful for us ladies as we get older, but some serious kissing and touching would be nice.

I'm sorry your significant other is not interested either. Have you really told her how much some sort of sexual contact means to you? (I haven't said anything to my husband, since I'm thinking he's stressed out as it is.)
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Old 11-17-2022, 07:07 AM   #5
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Default Re: Senior with sexual issues.........

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
My wife & I have been married for over 40 years as well. And I guess yours & our relationships have similar problems except that, in mine, it's me that no longer has an interest in sex.

Similar to your wife, my own lack of interest in sex came to a head, so to speak, as a result of a medical / surgical issue. (But also, all of my life, I have struggled with gender identity issues. And that has played a role as well. But then, that's another whole story in-&-of itself.)

Honestly, I can't say whether or not your wife's refusal to "cooperate with you" is selfish or not. All I can say is that, in my own case, the interest (or desire perhaps) simply isn't there anymore. And so, to try to do it for the sake of my spouse (fortunately I don't have too) would simply be more emotionally / psychologically difficult than I could tolerate on an ongoing basis. So I must admit, I sympathize with your wife.

You mentioned you're looking for a therapist. And I think that's a good thing. I think about starting to see a therapist (again) myself from time-to-time. However, in my case, I always come to the conclusion I'm just too old to make it worthwhile. Plus there's nothing a therapist could say that would change anything anyway. It all just is what it is. (Hopefully you can have a different outcome.) I do think it's unfortunate your wife is taking the position she's taking with regard to her participating in therapy. But I understand that as well because my wife also refuses to have anything to do with therapy: individual, couples, or otherwise.

Under any circumstances, I wish you well. I'm sorry I don't have anything to offer that can be of help. But, hopefully, knowing there are others out there who have similar sorts of problems can at least be of some small comfort. My best wishes to you...
Hi Skeezyks .....Thanks for your input , you offered up a lot ! It's certainly interesting how we are very similar in many ways, ( except this one ! )
I think I quite understand why you feel the way you do ( like you said , that's another whole thread ! ).

You said , in a very polite way , that you can sympathize with my wife's feelings on this issue and you made me think about how it's unfair for me to be so demanding. I'm not " forcing " her to do anything but it sure feels like it. In short , I have to admit that my pride , ego , and self esteem has bottomed out. And there's such a lack of trust that I feel she's doing this on purpose.

I feel like I have to make up for lost time. But I'll never get it back. I refuse to believe it's lost. What happened ? I turned around one minute and it was all gone. Did I make the right choice way back when ??

Lastly I just want to address the T issue. I'm starting to think myself that it's all a gimmick and I could probably teach a lot of these snot noses a thing or two about how to deal with life.
I know what needs to be done. Some times you have a choice and sometimes you don't. My own mind is my worst enemy.
Too much in fighting.

Okay..... enough for now. Thank you and take care of yourself.
All the best.......
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Old 11-17-2022, 07:27 AM   #6
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Default Re: Senior with sexual issues.........

Quote:
Originally Posted by Travelinglady View Post
My hubby and I are in our sixties. He's not interested in dealings with me either, but I just take care of my own needs from time to time. Intercourse is painful for us ladies as we get older, but some serious kissing and touching would be nice.
I'm sorry your significant other is not interested either. Have you really told her how much some sort of sexual contact means to you? (I haven't said anything to my husband, since I'm thinking he's stressed out as it is.)
Hi Travelinglady .............So we're in the same age bracket with a similar problem. An uninterested partner ! Ok ..... I'll get right to it. As far as intercourse is concerned , that went out the window YEARS ago. I won't get into the specifics but because of several severe physical issues that is no longer an option, ( or so I was told ). Lubricant at one time made it possible , but you need a little cooperation to make it work.

As far as self pleasing ..... well let's just say it's harder for me to achieve its goal than it would be for her. And I just don't feel like it anymore.
But like you said , some serious kissing and touching would be nice. And it doesn't have to be at night with the lights out and her falling asleep on me. If she showed some physical affection during the course of the day I'd be much happier.
And I've told her many times how much this means to me and I just get no response.
I can understand why you haven't said anything to your husband yet because all you'll probably get is a feeling that your bothering him.

Anyhow , thanks for the input. I know I'm not alone in this but the frustration goes on...
Best to you...
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Old 11-17-2022, 08:14 PM   #7
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Default Re: Senior with sexual issues.........

I do hug and kiss my husband during the day, and he likes that.

I do need to bring the issue up with him again. We used to like massaging each other with lotion. Maybe he'd go for that.

I've read that some women don't like the hugging and kissing because they fear the man would then expect something more from them. Just a thought.

There are fake men's and women's parts that some people use for enjoyment. We've used a dildo at some point in the past. Maybe you could check out the female version (when your wife is not around?)
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