Husband won't have sex anymore.

I don't know where to go to talk about this with someone. I don't have any people in my life who I'd feel comfortable talking about it - so maybe I can get some perspectives here? I hope this is the appropriate place.

I've been in a relationship for 12 years with my husband and we've been married for about 3 years.

Yet, in the last few years or so (even before we got married) we've been having sex less and less. Now days, we have sex maybe once every four or five months. I always initiate and have to be very persistent before he relents. I literally cannot remember the last time he initiated sex. Maybe 2013?

I've tried to discuss it several times to learn what is wrong, and his answers are vague and hard to wrap my head around. Usually, he'll start talking about something that seems totally non-sequitur and avoidant, like politics or how we don't have enough money. I could sort of understand how those things might make him feel worried, like if I accidently got pregnant, but it doesn't explain why he refuses to have sex when those things have always been a concern, and probably more so in the past than now. I've had some meaningful conversations about how he feels about things, but it doesn't seem to solve or clarify anything. I asked several times if he just wasn't attracted to me anymore, and he insists that is not the problem.

I tell him how the fact that he doesn't initiate sex and refuses it when I do makes me feel rejected and stuck, and he apologizes and says "I'm doing everything right" but it just ends there and nothing changes. It makes me feel alone.

What else can I do? Is there even anything?

So sorry to hear... I'd feel really rejected too...

It sounds like you've opened the door to talk about it on more than one occasion, but that he's shutting you down.

You need to find a way to insist that he have a talk with you about this.

Would a change of locale where you're to talk help any do you think?

It's a difficult situation considering he won't talk about it.

I sometimes visit Natalie Lue's blog called Baggage Reclaim. It's about relationships.

I just googled the following "husband doesn't want sex Natalie Lue" and some interesting articles came up.

Don't know whether they would help.

Thanks for the suggestions. I looked up Natalie Lue and she had one article about it, but the situation was quite different.

I'm just at a loss, I guess. Bringing it up/trying to discuss it hasn't helped. It's so weird because our relationship is fine, otherwise.

You didn't mention your husband's age. Things that come to mind for me (as an older man) include: depression & / or anxiety... (possibly related to work?) prescription medications, erectile dysfunction (or fear of it), loss of libido due to approaching (or entering) middle age (mid-life crisis), low testosterone, guilt over something you, perhaps, don't know about (an office affair... perhaps over but still causing your husband to feel guilty but not being willing to talk about it with you?)

The one thing I think I know is, if your husband won't talk about it and won't seek help for whatever is going on, there's perhaps little or nothing you can do to remedy the situation. My best wishes to you both though.

Thank you. I'm grateful to hear your thoughts on this. Many of those things you mentioned might be what he is experiencing (though I don't think he's had an affair). He is turning 50 this next year. I am in my mid-thirties, so there is an age gap, as well.

Maybe he is talking about it, but I haven't been able to relate what he is saying to sex, where for him it is very related. I suppose what is distressing is that his complaints are things I can't change or do anything about. For me sex is about the relationship between the two of us, but for him it seems to be about his relationship with the rest of the world.

I don't know if I correctly understood the part about sex, for your husband, seeming to be about his relationship with the rest of the world. (If not please forgive me.) But in reading it, what immediately popped into my mind was this is a means to avoid dealing with the real issues; because if his sexuality-related problems relate to your husband's relationship with the rest of the world, well, there's perhaps not much that can be done about that, it's too big and amorphous a subject to tackle so why try?

Back when MSF was still Psych Central, Doc John had an article in the archives the title of which was something along the lines of: "Denial is a Powerful Impediment to Treatment". To my mind, the attitude your husband is taking is a form of denial in a sense... denial that there is anything that can help, so why try? And, as Doc John wrote, it's a powerful impediment to treatment and a return to a healthy life.

I'm not surprised to learn your husband is 50. That makes perfect sense to me. That's the age when the wheels began coming off the cart for me so to speak. It's unfortunate your husband won't seek some counseling or therapy or perhaps even a men's support group if such things exist where you live. But, there again, the reality is you can't save him. He has to do that himself. All you can do is do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

The one thing that occurs to me that might help is if you can get your hubby out-and-about more (assuming the two of you aren't already doing so) doing whatever it is the two of you enjoy doing together. The pandemic has made things extremely difficult from that perspective. But if circumstances where you live have improved at this point, getting out doing things together the two of you enjoy might help brighten his spirits as well as his outlook in general. Then, perhaps, his interest in sex may follow of its own accord. A "tangential" approach such as this may be a more effective way of addressing the problem than is trying to confront the problem head-on, so to speak. Without intending to alarm you I do fear (based on my own personal experience) that, barring some form of intervention or positive action on your husband's part, the hole he appears to be digging for himself may only deepen. (Hopefully I'm wrong.)

I will be blunt. I think this is horrible. You are in your mid-30s. What are doing wasting your life with him? 2013 was almost 10 years ago. So you have not had your guy initiate sex with you since your mid-20s? Get out, whatever it is that is causing it for him. I am surprised that after such a long relationship and seeing that sex had already been on the decline you proceeded to finally getting married but that cannot be undone. What can be changed is your future. At the very least, indicate to him that if the situation does not improve, you will seek separation. It just sounds so gloomy, your post is so gloomy and to realize that you are wasting the priceless years of your youth on somebody who does not even care to explain to you what his problem is.

Thank you again for the thoughtful message. I look at the year you posted this, and I can't believe how long ago it was. I was struggling to discuss the issue and so I couldn't bring myself to come back to the thread after I replied to you. I'm sorry I missed your response.

You were correct. Things did get worse. My husband had a "widow maker" heart attack a few weeks ago. He was able to make it to the hospital in time for emergency surgery, but it was a close call. We're still kind of in shock. It was likely a combination of stress and genetics that led to it. He doesn't smoke, is not overweight, or have any other major risk factor to explain how he'd have a plaque develop and rupture. He doesn't always eat the best, but nothing too far out of the ordinary.

At least he's getting more serious about managing his stress levels and trying to change his lifestyle to be healthier (exercise more, eat better). That is a relief. I've been trying to get him to make some of these changes for years and now he is initiating them!

We're still not intimate, though we are affectionate. After a heart attack, it is far more out of the question for a good while, anyway. Still stuck as ever in terms of what the future holds, but grateful that he is alive.