how to very gently stop the sexual side of a relationship

A long post. Thanks in advance for reading.

I: a woman, 52, Russian, in the States with a green card, long diagnosed with bipolar, well-read on mental illness, symptoms, medications, etc.

He: 47, Indian, in the States for 10+ years but on a work visa still, estimated to get his green card only in 2030 (!!!), works in tech, lately has been complaining of depression and anxiety but still has not seen a doctor despite my reminders about how long it takes to wait for an appointment with a psychiatrist.

Issue: he comes almost instantly AND it is an anhedonic ejaculation, a term I know thanks to my bipolar II friend who has it as a side effect to Effexor but in the case of this gentleman it is just something he has had for a long time not knowing the name of the condition, and, he does not take any psych drugs.

He and I have known each other for 10 years and he has always treated me super well and shown interest and attraction and attachment and all the rest of that, but I only turned the relationship into sexual last November. And that problem emerged and I gently suggested that he consult with a doctor but he would not.

I consulted with a sex educator early on about rapid ejaculation. It was before I fully realized that the gentleman's ejaculation is anhedonic: no orgasm. He did not tell me right away. So I consulted with a sex educator about premature ejaculation. The sex educator corrected my language: not premature but just rapid. I guess he wanted to take the judgment out of it. And explained that there is an evolutionary advantage to rapid ejaculation. Apparently if a man is having sex and lions come after him, it is better to impregnate a woman right away rather than wait. I might be oversimplifying and at any rate do not see the advantage because if a lion is coming the lion might as well devour the woman who has just been impregnated but has not had time to run away and then there is no evolutionary advantage coming from her having conceived.

The sex educator told me that I just need to make sure the gentleman understands that sex does not end upon his ejaculation, that he has tongue and fingers. It is not that the gentleman does not know he has them but I do not care. I want what I consider normal lovemaking, meaning for him to make love to me passionately and with abandon in a regular traditional way, penis inside vagina, for a reasonable length of time, and then come in an at least somewhat dramatic and hopefully vocal way and not with a quiet "I think I came, I am sorry".

I was also annoyed that he would not see a doctor and I became more forthright about suggesting it. I basically told him to report this problem to both a urologist and a psychiatrist. He still has not made an appointment but last we talked he confided in me that he is very depressed due to what has been going on at work and that he also fears that with the downturn in tech he might lose his job and with it, his work visa, and have to go back to India which is not at all what he wants. After he confided in me, he messaged saying that he hoped his sharing his depression did not make me more depressed (I had a lot of depression recently). I messaged back saying that it did not and expressed my appreciation for his trust in me. He thanked me for the guidance on finding a psychiatrist.

I now realize that he is so stressed out that sex is just not a priority for him so I won't expect anything but I also do not want to continue what has been going on as it is disappointing and depressing for me. The thing is, he treats me extremely well, with utmost care and respect and basically adoration and I want to end the sexual part of this relationship gently. I have been thinking of telling him straight up that it is too depressing for me and that if this problem is solved, he can tell me and then I will reconsider.

It is my first time having a relationship with an Indian man and I do not know whether some of the things I have observed are cultural or unique to him. For example, he is sexually naive and is pretty much ashamed. In the beginning, before I stopped trying to make a lemonade so to speak, I would at least empty out the condom to spread his sperm on my skin to have some joy. He could not believe I would do that and always wanted tissues to wipe his sperm (which would come out before he even got inside me) as if it were dirty. The sex educator said that it is "his", meaning an issue on his side and I was not to care, but the relationship involves two people and I do not know how not to care.

The gentleman gave me an external vibrator which did not work for me but I got another one from the same website that did work. He wants to use it on me but by now I am so unhappy with everything that has been going on that I am not aroused or attracted and I would much rather use the vibrator alone, in peace.

Finally, recently I met a Mexican guy (by happenstance and not intentionally) who was instantly interested, who appears to be in his early to mid 40s, and who probably does not have the issues with which the Indian guy presents (these are rare issues, after all, so chances that somebody else has them are extremely low). I will meet him in a public place this coming Tuesday.

I do not know whether to tell the Indian gentleman about the possibility of my acquiring another partner and wanting a clean separation or whether it is better to tell that his sexual issues distress, depress and disappoint me to no end and I cannot get used to them or what.

A compounding factor is that it is highly unlikely that he will replace me with someone else and I feel a sense of responsibility. Part of me wishes I had never crossed the boundary into sexual with him but I cannot undo the past.

Or, and the sexual educator invited me to see the gentleman's instant ejaculation as a sign of his being super excited by me and I tried but it got old.

***

As a child, I read "Le Petit Prince" ("The Little Prince") as part of my French lessons and was very influenced by the book. So this current situation makes me think of the fox who said "You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed." but I did not know, going in, what problems I would encounter. I would not have tamed the gentleman in a sexual way had I known.

Please help me find a courteous, kind, considerate way out.

I've reread my own post and I think I have an idea. The gentleman does not read fiction, has not read it in years, only reads political and science-y stuff but if I give him a book to read, I am sure he will read it, and "The Little Prince" is a short book. Maybe give him the book, ask him to talk to me upon reading it, and tell him that I now feel that I have tamed him and am forever responsible but that at the same time I need to take care of my own self, too? This way at least he will know that I DO feel responsible.