Sexual Anxiety is Ruining My Intimate Life

Hello everyone,

Brand new to the forum and very excited to be here.

I'm 50 years old and have been married twice. In both cases, I was the codependent in what was more of a power struggle than a marriage. I found myself attracted to very assertive women who were not very emotionally mature, and it was a very emasculating experience in both cases. I liken it two an insect who has been hollowed out by a spider and left a dry, empty husk.

Now, I'm in a very healthy, loving, boundary-ful relationship with the most emotionally intelligent woman I've ever known.

However, I'm plagued by sexual anxiety. Because I was functionally celibate for the duration of my last two marriages, I'm re-entering the sexual arena as a 50-year old man with all the things that come along with that. Yet, I'm not convinced that it's my age that's causing performance issues. I'm wracked with disruptive thoughts that conspire to sabotage me at every turn.

Now for the trite part of my story: I'm a man of modest endowment. Absolutely average in length and slightly below average in girth, according to everything I've read.

My partner has only been with one man in her life -- her ex-husband, who was NOT a man of modest endowment. Since discovering this unfortunate fact, I cannot seem to shake the belief that my partner secretly wishes that she could unbolt his wedding tackle and affix it to my body rather than having to settle for something she doesn't want, simply because every other area of our relationship is utterly perfect.

She has given me NO indication that she feels this way. In fact, she constantly reassures me that the opposite is true, but I cannot, for the life of me, bring myself to accept it as sincere. I recognize that I'm projecting my own preferences on to her. I'm not gay, but like most other straight men who are loath to admit it, I find large penises to be empirically more attractive and have come to believe that given the choice, a woman would prefer a larger than average penis.

I know that this is an unhealthy obsession of mine. I need to know how to love my own body and accept the things that she tells me are true. These disruptive thoughts are creating other issues such as ED and PE and absolutely destroying my libido. We have a very active sex life, but I initiate out of love for her and a desire for physical intimacy -- not because I'm craving sex.

Can anyone relate or advise?

Thank you all for reading.

The following is from a website called HealthyPlace.com. What it says is true.

"Women feel intimacy and closeness when they talk, touch, and share their thoughts and feelings with a loved one. They are usually more interested in intimacy than in sex of and for itself."

What I'd add to the above is what women want is to know is they're appreciated, respected, and cherished.

Also, unlike what you might find in popular culture such as TV or movies, I don't personally know any woman who spends time considering anatomical proportions- it's just not a thing very many women waste time thinking about. I'm old so I've gossiped with a lot of different types of women and I don't recall the topic mentioned more than a couple of times, and that was during my much younger years.

Thank you so much for your reply. You have no idea how much comfort it brings me. The truth is, we're being inundated these days with the opposite message, ESPECIALLY from social media. I think that the best thing for me to do is to listen to the wisdom of mature women like yourself (and my partner) and less of the garbage coming from these young, immature libertines on social media.

@BarlimanButterbur
I'm glad I could offer some insight that will be of use to you. You make a good point about social media. We're living in an age where anyone can communicate with another person without taking responsibility for what results from their behavior or opinions. Personally, I divide social media sites/groups into 5 categories: There are those which promote kindness, civility, growth and positive human interactions; useful sites that explain things such as astronomy, history, art, or how to unclog a pipe or cook a roast; those that are a chatter of countless opinions coming from countless different types of people that are nothing more than a brawl; sites that provide nothing more than confirmation to a bias; and finally, deceptive sites that lure a person in by leading them to believe thoughtful opinions, factual information, healthy camaraderie, and fairness are promoted as a core value. A challenge is that often sites these days have so many different forums and so much user provided content that one has to work really hard to separate wheat from chaff. It seems social media is an ocean that often can be hard to navigate.

OP,

First, I would like to compliment your writing. It is so gently, so beautifully and eloquently self-effacing and self-deprecating that it is a delight to read. Your woman is very lucky to have found a partner that intelligent and gifted in the verbal department!

I hope that I can provide a lot of reassurance to you because I AM a woman with a strong preference for bigger sizes and I KNOW, from polling other women and reading a lot of women's forums and Facebook groups focused on sex that I am in a small MINORITY. Should you be curious, I will list for you a few things I have heard or read by way of summarizing.

I also would like to offer that since you DO have a VERY ACTIVE sex life, she is genuinely, sincerely attracted to you just as you are.

I have run a query on MSF for [penis size poll] and there is one old result: does size matter (you cannot post there because it is for women, but you can read). You will see the average size is OK for many women. The sample size is not enough to be representative of the population of women, but it will be instructive for you to read posts by women who say that average is perfect for them. These are women on a female forum, they are not trying to assuage the concerns of a loved on and you cannot suspect that they are being untruthful. You will also read posts that say that for some women big is uncomfortable.

--

Your sexual anxiety and fears around your size are going to do more harm to your relationship than your size. You sound absolutely average, meaning you are in the realm of where most men are.

Comparing yourself is never good, especially to those in porn.
I am a woman, and I can tell you right now, if I compared myself to the women in porn, I would never measure up. I'd be crying myself to sleep each night.

I'm older now, but when I was younger, my breasts were always on the small side.
There are women who don't feel their vaginas are esthically pleasing.
So you're not alone in feeling you don't measure up. These thoughts are just that. Thoughts. You can give them credence or tell them to f off.

The bottom line is we are all perfect in our own ways. Just our minds like to tell us we're not.

Have you always had this body concern about yourself, or have you developed it in your new relationship? I ask because you say you were not having sex at all in your past relationships. It sounds like you are now having sex, but now focusing on an issue you have come up with by yourself, not your partner. You are having intrusive thoughts over it and it is disrupting your sex life.

I’ll weigh in about size- good sex is whatever two people agree it is.

@BarlimanButterbur see also Performance anxiety because of feeling that my penis is too small (it confused me to see women on the thread, as I thought that the men- and women- forums did not allow posting by persons of the opposite sex). Also note that the thread was started by a man with a small penis, and yours is average. Lastly, the sample size is small and the sample is skewed. Still, answers by women would be interesting to you.

Hey!

Want to chime in with a different reply. I too am a little below average in penis size and it has led to quite a bit of self doubt.

For me the heart of the matter is NOT if women like larger penises more or if there are more important parts of sex than the intercourse.

For me it is about facing that you will never be (and no one is, especially not after the novelity is gone) the perfect partner. While I am still working on accepting this, it still really puts things in perspective. I don't have to be my wife's everthing and to blow her mind for the sex to be good - and to judge if she enjoys it is actually rather easy

Hope you get something out of this.