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Member Since: Mar 2023
Location: Germany
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Old Mar 12, 2023 at 03:32 AM
I don't even know how to start, I guess I'll just write. It's gonna be very very long, but I want to explain everything in full detail, my apologies.

In the beginning of September, I met a guy. I'll just call him J. J was a friend of my ex-girlfriend, who I was, at the time, still very attached to and went through a heavy self-deprecating/depressive episode because she just broke up because she lost feelings and I kept searching the faults in me in why she lost those feelings. (Now I realised it's not my fault at all, I do not have feelings for her anymore, we're best friends now.)

But anyway, while I was still pretty attached to my ex-gf, I saw J a couple of times and thought he was pretty cute. I found his instagram in the middle of September, on a Friday, and just followed him, then he texted me, recognised me as the ex of my ex-gf and we just went to talking. Got his number soon and we just texted from day to night. He was really extroverted, loud and fun, which I really needed at the time to pull me away from still clinging to my ex.

The Monday after we met irl, first with a friend and then alone. It was a lot of fun and on the Wednesday after, we met with some more friends. In the end, we were waiting for my bus, that just didn't come then, and he confessed he had a crush on me and I confessed too, even though I planned on waiting before telling him. Even though we didn't really know eachother, I still put a lot of trust in him since I thought he was a wonderful person and my ex was also friends with him, so he would be to trust, right?

So we were dating and I told him beforehand that I have mental illness and that it could be a problem, since it was one in a past relationship. He assured me that it's never gonna be a problem, since he's used to that and he loves me. I was so happy about that.
A first problem though surfaced in the beginning of October. I was at a birthday party and I told him I wasn't feeling well since I was experiencing gender dysphoria (he had known I was nonbinary from the beginning, known i had used he/she pronouns at that time, I am someone who presents very feminine but I am still nonbinary and transmasc) and he just didn't really understand what I meant. Which is fine, he's a cis man. I explained to him that it just pains me to be seen as a girl, to be, by default, addressed as she, and I just wish I could be viewed as a guy rather than a girl, or just a person rather than a girl.
He kept asking why that is, or how that is and that I can just do gender affirmative surgery but that's not what I want. In the end I just told him it's because I am trans, which is right, I identify as trans. Then he told me that I am not trans, this is not what being trans is (keep in mind, he is a cis man who NEVER struggled with his gender identity) and when I asked what being trans is to him, he told me it's what a trans woman content creator preaches, when I searched her up I just saw that she is against nonbinary identities, believes in only 2 genders and invalidated the identities of so many trans people. He had known that I was nonbinary even before we started dating.
What was weird as well was when we started texting, he pretty much referred to me in a male context (we texted in German and it's a pretty gendered language), probably because my ex introduced me to him in a male context because she always accepted me being transmasc. But when we got to know eachother better, he kept referring to me in a female context more, and when I asked him to use he/him more often for me than she/her (because he only referred to me as she/her) he said he will do that, but it's strange to him.

Anyway, we "resolved" that pretty quickly (with resolved I mean I explained my identity in detail to him and then we just didn't really talk about it anymore).
But before and after that incident, we had a few sexual experiences, and then at the end of October we didn't see eachother for, i think two weeks? Because I had covid and he was away. After that, in the beginning of November I was at his place and we had sex.
The thing about that is that we always made very teasy jokes about it, it was the nature of us both but he was always kinda sad when I made them because "If i say that I should act up on it" which I was very hesitant about, what he knew, because I explained to him that I am terribly afraid of being used for my body since an ex had already tried that, basically accepted me and my identity perfectly, but when we broke up before we had sex he just started bragging to his friends how he didn't use my correct pronouns and that I was a girl and whatnot. So J told me I'd always have a safe space with him, that he won't ever be like that since he loves me, and I wanted to trust him so badly. I told him if we ever have sex, then only under the condition that we'll stay together and he said that it's the only thing that's gonna happen.

Before we had sex, we walked to his house and he said he wanted to have sex, and I just thought it was one of the teasy jokes so I was kinda afraid. Then it kinda just happened from masturbating eachother, he asked for my consent and even though I was still kinda afraid but I trusted him and said yes. When he tried to put it in first it hurt like hell, so I told him to stop, what he did. So we just cuddled for a bit. After some time he put it in again, without asking me again, which wasn't really a problem because after that I enjoyed it. So we had sex.
After that we had a deep-talk about life and future and what not and I felt so comfortable and loved.
The weekend after that, he slept at my place and everything was fine, he loved me, I loved him, we made that clear so many times and we showed our affection to eachother the entire time. That was the last time I've seen him.

After that, we both were kind of busy and I had a bad depressive episode again, which I talked to him about because he specifically told me that I should do that. I just felt really badly about my friends and I thought they didn't like me, they never liked me, that they'll just do group things without me and that I'm just not really part of the group. He tried to talk me out of it but I was in a very bad mindset so I was stubborn. At some point he stopped texting me and I texted him that I appreciate it so so much that he tried helping me and that I admire his patience, to which he replied that he isn't patient, he is frustrated. Which I don't blame him for, tbh, I was extremely stubborn. Then he was kind of pissed that we didn't play a video game together which I recently bought to play with him.
The next few days was just me feeling very down and him begging me to play that video game with him, to which I always responded that I'm just not good at it and that I still need to learn how to play it.
Another day after that, I texted him something (I'm someone who talks/texts A LOT, especially with people who I really like) and his immediate response was "can I say something mean?". I just told him to go ahead and he said that I should just get a diary to write those things in, since he doesn't have answers for my stories. And that hurt so much. Later that day I invited him to hang out with mutual friends at a youth club? is that what it's called? that I usually hang out at, to which he replied that he doesn't want to come, since only "weirdos, people pleaser and antisocials go to", that hurt again since he always called me a people pleaser, what I am tbh, but he just always said it in such a derogatory way.

So the next day, I didn't text him at all, and then in the evening he only texted me asking if I cut of contact or what else am I doing. Told him that I didn't want to bother him if he doesn't know how to answer to my stories, and he just told me i shouldn't spam him with messages (what I really didn't the day before, I sent him 3 messages, wth). So we ended that convo on that end.

On the next day I texted him again because I felt bad, and I told him that I miss him and want to see him again. To which he immediately replied that he wants a break. So I told him to take all the time that he needs.
So a week long, we didn't text at all and it really, really hurt. After a week, I texted him that I know I told him to take all the time he needs, but I'd just love to hear how he's doing or just something that was going on in that week for him, of course only if he's okay with that. He replied that we need to talk, so we called later, the call in which he broke up with me. He said it so coldly and emotionless, it hurt a lot, and at first I was just crying but then in the end I yelled at him and just ended the call. I spammed him with angry messages as well, being mad that he had sex with me and 3 weeks later just breaks up with me when he promised he won't do that, when he promised my mental illness will never be a problem. Later that night I deleted those messages, apologised to him, which he understood. We kinda talked it out then, him saying that my personality will just bring out something in him that his past relationship brought out in him too and that he'll just yell at me in the end, and that he wishes he realised that before we had sex.

After we talked that out, I asked to stay friends, which he said yes to which I was so so happy about because I thought it was completely over. I told him to please just get to know a person really before he asks them out again, to which he just replied "ok nvm" and left me confused.
A day later I replied to his "only weirdos, people pleaser and antisocials go there" message, after I found out that a guy there, who was hitting on me, turned out to be an adult and
Possible trigger:
, to which he just replied very pissy, telling me it's not a good place for me and whatnot, which I was kinda confused at because it's just a normal youth club, to which he said only people, who don't get loved go there. He then called me stupid, the people around me not good for me and that he's sorry for me, I was so confused and hurt by that and when I asked him to elaborate he just said he doesn't have energy for it. I told him that he really shouldn't call someone stupid, especially when he knows how much a person struggles with it to which he just told me I'm lost. I asked again, why he's saying this and he just told me it's because "I should know that I'm wrong"
A friend then took my phone and told him to shut up, and then that was it. We didnt text anymore.

A while later, I got over him and now I have a new boyfriend who is good to me, but who knows him as well (J did not have any issues with us both dating, my bf asked him just to be sure and he said it's fine, "I was too much for him anyway").
They share a class together and J had just been asking so many inappropriate questions, like how many times I gave my bf head already. Another friend of mine overheard him calling me "he/she/it" and talking **** about my gender identity, while then only using she for me (even though my boyfriend only uses he/him for me, also in J's presence, all my socials state that I use he/him now and even when we dated J knew I prefered he/him over she/her).

The last couple of months I have had bad flashbacks over when we had sex, even though it was fully consented at that moment. I keep seeing him above me, I feel him and his hands on me, it's terrible. It's so terrible. I cry everytime I am forced to think of it and I am afraid of him. I once saw him again and I got so afraid. I hear his voice all the time, I see him all the time, I am so afraid of him, he scared me so much. I hate him so much. I wanna
Possible trigger:
It's so so bad. But am I allowed to feel this way when it was consented in that moment? Was I violated or am i just exaggerating?
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Old Mar 17, 2023 at 02:45 PM
I'm sorry that happened to you and for what is happening to you now. Sounds scary and heartbreaking! I wish I had good answers to your deeply felt questions, but sadly I am not that wise and so am at a loss. This whole situation you described must be so hard on you!
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