Am I overthinking this?

I hope I can ask these questions and get frank, logical replies. I’m trying not to step on anybody’s toes or hurt anybody. I speak as a woman who 1.) although married and monogamous with a biological man, also has same sex attraction, and 2.) is the mother of a non-binary person. Unfortunately, for reasons that have nothing to do with gender and sexuality, I don’t have the kind of relationship with my oldest child that I can ask this.

My previous partner before my husband (we’ve been married fifteen years) was a non-surgical transgender man, female-bodied but presenting and identifying as male. He legally changed his name and used he/him pronouns. I was in a relationship with him for two years. When I tried to ask him these questions, all it did was make him cry. I certainly didn’t mean to do that, and I hope nobody here is hurt by anything I say. Unfortunately, he’s not available to try asking again more tactfully. He passed away six years ago.

My questions are these: In today’s society, does it really matter what’s between someone’s legs? What are men allowed to do nowadays that women are not, and vice versa? If someone is born with male parts, is it really necessary to go all the way to hormone treatment and a radical change in physical anatomy before being allowed to answer to Gloria, grow long hair, wear dresses and makeup, and carry a purse? Conversely, must someone with two X chromosomes be surgically and hormonally altered before being allowed to adopt the name of George, get a high and tight haircut, work in construction, and sit casually sprawled out in an armchair?

Yes, I remember as a child being told to behave myself and “act like a lady” if I spoke in a high-spirited voice heavy on slang, or sat in some posture other than bolt upright with my knees glued together. My brothers were not similarly reined in.

Or does it run deeper than this? To me, outside of reproduction, the difference between genders seems so superficial and arbitrary that there doesn’t seem to be any point to changing what you were born with.

If I have hurt or offended you, I am truly sorry. You can go ahead and eviscerate me if you want.