The root of my depression

I'm ready to die. I have fought the same battle for too long and I'm exhausted. I had a very sexual childhood. It began as a child, hearing echos from my mothers room. I suppose as a child I was hearing adult conversations, watching inappropriate television and movies for kids that a child shouldn't know about that began my interest in knowing what was happening behind those doors. In second grade I had my my first sexual experience with an older kid of my cousins. We would go to the ball park and what started with silly truth and dares, led to kissing and skin to skin contact. I honestly don't remember everything we did but I know I was too much. As a kid I remember trying to peak through my mothers oversized shirts. I began seeing woman's sexuality
at an early age and my mother was one of the first. She never did anything sexual to me, nor was I ever sexualy assaulted by an adult.

Later on her new boyfriend had a collection of taped porn that i watched a lot of. My mind by 9 was so sexually corrupt, I wanted nothing more than to be a part of it. My mother lost custody of my sister and I on two different occasions. When she got us back after the first case, DHS is now involved.

I told them everything that happened. Surprise, we were still in custody of my mom. It was not until a short time later, Human services show up at my friends house to retrieve us.

At some point my case worker begin taking me therapy until my sister and I were placed in Georgia Baptist children's home. There we were all pretty much on regular scheduled appointments with a variety of different therapy.

By the time i was 13 I was no longer in any kind of therapy where was now in the process of being adopted by my foster family. They had 3 boys of their own. From this point on I never spoke to anyone about my issues again. From that point on, I've found women attractive. From peaking down my own adopted mothers gown, to the females in church service. As I got older I would find ways to watch porn or steal rated r movies from Walmart to watch on my portable DVD player.

Fortunately I didn't attend High-school so that could have definitely escalated my behavior. I never understood why even though I loved these people, or I thought I loved them, why would I act in this way?

There are number of people I have hurt, not physically, but emotionally and verbally. My main concern is that the potential to act on my thoughts are possible. As much as I think that behavior is gross and demeaning, I think of ways to do it. There's more that I've done and been through.

Im just so tired of living with this and want to rid myself of this disease. I'm looking for help. I do want to live but only if I can have some peace in my mind. I want to live and be someone my family and friends respect.

Ready4help,

Sorry for your suffering. You've been through so much.

I'm not sure how old you are or whether you are currently in therapy... but talk therapy, as well as techniques from Gestalt, or helping you deal with the trauma through techniques such as EFT-tapping or EMDR would be helpful to you, I think.

I worked at a daycare with small children and I could see how much the children were affected by their parents and their living circumstances.

I'm so sorry for your suffering. Clearly, you've lived through trauma and abuse. You lost your innocence in childhood, through no fault of your own.

What types of support do you have in your life? Do you have a family doctor and a pdoc (psychiatrist)? Are you taking medication?

You need a really good team around you, including a good psychologist: someone who can help you process your thoughts and feelings and help you to see yourself in context, to help you work through the trauma.

Thank you for sharing your story, it will no doubt help others in knowing they're not alone.

Finally, welcome to the forum. I hope you find it helpful.

Hi Ready, thank you for sharing your story and what you are struggling with. TheGal gave good advice.

You said "I want to live and be someone my family and friends respect." One question I have that may help is do you think those people respect you now? And I am asking what THEY think, not you. The reason I ask that is because I I struggle with that as well, and I tend to sabotage the answer. I think things like "they may respect me but that's only because they don't know the real me". One thing I learning (a work in progress) is that the person they see is as real as any that you see. Give yourself permission to have a fresh start, starting from now. How people see you now, and what you do from now on is the only thing that matters.

Hang in there Ready, do what TheGal suggested and keep talking to people in here