Wanting Plastic Surgery and Job in Sex Industry

Trigger Alert- Mentions sexual body parts, the sex industry, plastic surgery, low self esteem, etc.

I don't know if this belongs here or under self esteem since it incorporates both issues. The thing is, I don't think very highly of myself and have lost hope in ever having what I want in life. I also truly believe I will die alone. I think my life could get better, but dieing alone is inevitable, at least. I am not loveable for long. I'm not very desirable, either.

Anyway, I've become obsessed with going into the sex industry. I've thought about various things. I've considered phone sex worker, but that's more of an idea for temporary money making and no real "goal" of mine. What I want is to be a stripper, a nude model (for a company that has artistic erotica by alternative models, not run of the mill), or a porn star. Why? I'm not entirely sure, but I'll list why I think I might have this goal stuck in my head in a few minutes.

First, I want to say, I also want plastic surgery- especially surgery on my breasts. I also want my vagina tightened somehow and I hear you can do that now. I'm mostly focused on the breasts, though. I hate my breasts and I can't stop wanting to get a breast lift, a laser bra, or/and implants. I want them to the point that, I feel like I can't like my body without them.

I have it in my head that if I can get off my lazy butt and get in good physical shape and get a job to save up cash, I can get fit by working out, then have plastic surgery with my money I've accumulated for breast implants, chemical peels, etc. Then, I can go into the sex industry.

Why do I want this? I don't know. I have other ambitions, too, but I feel like I'll never achieve them. Truth is, I'll never achieve this and be good at it, either. My reasons for this are varied. Part of my love for the arts is showing through in my choices. I actually do think strippers can be artists. They are dancers and dancing is an art. Also, pole dancing can be a very graceful and beautiful art form, and requires strength to do. It also requires skill to do well. Also, if I do nude photos, sure doing alternative is partly because I can't do anything else due to my looks, but it is more than that. I enjoy the style and I think they are sometimes more accepting of various body types which I respect as a person who hates current beauty standards (even if I am supporting them with plastic surgery desires), and also, I want to do artistic photos because I have seen some artistic erotica, that although definitely sexual, is truly nude art, in my opinion. I like art, so in both the stripper and nude photos desires, I am taking art in to account. With porn, though- well, it isn't normally artistic. I guess some of it CAN be, but if I do porn, I'm not doing it for art, really. I might prefer artsy jobs, but my desire for porn is not about art, but my desire for nude modeling and stripping actually is partly based on the art of it. Also, I really do enjoy the dancing and sometimes, I like posing for photos- especially artsy ones- even though I'm ugly and not very photogenic.

Beyond the art, though, we find the sex- and in porn, it is all focused on the sexual aspect. Why do I want this? Also what of the plastic surgery?

I think part of the reason I want to do this is simply because I don't see my life going anywhere. This way I can at least make money- and look good doing it, hopefully.

Also, my therapist says I want to be wanted, but I am scared to get close to someone again. He says strippers are wanted, but can do this from a distance, and they are often in control of the male clientèle's sexuality (in other words, in the club, the stripper has the control in a way). I think this is part of it. I know that if I have plastic surgery, I might feel excited at first and I might feel better in a way, but I also know I will still feel largely empty because looking good isn't everything and I don't know if I will even feel attractive after the surgery. I also know that being wanted will not make me loved, and love is what I've really wanted. Plus, I won't necessarily even be desirable to the people I care about. However, part of me thinks, I will be more likely to be desirable to the people I care about, and although I really want them to care about me (beyond the physical), as well as want me, they aren't going to love me anyway- but if I have plastic surgery, get good at stripping or nude modeling, etc. they will at least want me. Also, I am afraid of getting too close to people.

Besides this, the idea of going into this gives me a distraction, and I tend to obsess so once it got into my head I've had trouble getting it out. I think it was a goal so I need to do it to prove to myself I can achieve SOMETHING I planned and wanted to.

I used to think the thought of it was sexy, but now, I don't even find it arousing because I am hurt and wanting something more than sexual activity with someone I don't care about at all. It will only remind me of the people I do care about and how I've messed everything up, can't have them, they don't care, etc. So, I don't think it's a turn on in my current mind state, though at one point it was, which helped put the idea of stripping, porn, and nude modeling into my head.

Also, I am bisexual and found out a few years ago- after having already decided I was bisexual- that my sister was a bisexual stripper. I found it interesting that we were both bisexual. I remember thinking dad must be upset because he's homophobic and would hate the idea of her stripping, as well. At that point I'd considered stripping, but didn't think I could do it, and besides, at that moment I was involved and in love, so I had no intention of being a stripper anymore because of that. Well, that's over now, so I don't have a relationship to keep me from doing it. Even though I don't want to strip just to upset my dad, I am angry with my father, and I know that my sister being a bisexual stripper must have upset him. I also know that he would be upset to find out I was bi, too, and while I don't want to be a stripper just because of him, the idea of him finding out he had two bisexual strippers for daughters just makes me want to laugh. It would be sweet icing on the cake because I know he'd be upset. He doesn't care about either of us, but he DOES care about his image.

Anyway, it is an obsession with me now if only I could get the drive to exercise and make the money. Sometimes I think I'll never work the money out for the plastic surgery and start to think of one time prostitution with some rich man, but then when I think about it, I know I want to exercise till I'm fit before I have this surgery, so that will buy me time to save up at least some of the money. In other words, it won't do me any good to rush to get the money through prostitution when I have to wait to get physically fit, anyway.

I don't know why I'm saying this. I'm just upset because I dislike my breasts, I want all this plastic surgery, I hate waiting for it and am afraid I can't achieve it, I'm afraid of problems it will cause with my mother, but I'm obsessed with it lately and I'm not completely sure why. Also, I know I will be empty when I get it, but I can't stop wanting it.

I dont really have advice except to keep talking to your therapist or find a new one or try a new type of therapy if the current one isnt working for you. From what i have read and gather there arent too many happy stories in the sex industry.

With advertizing and television shows or even porn movies depicting people with perfect bodies and faces and teeth, there are many people these days who are unhappy with their bodies or faces ot teeth because they feel like they cant measure up. You arent alone there. Its an impossible standard for most of us to live up to.

Plastic surgery, such as breast enhancement has its own risks. Breast implants have been implicated in autoimmune diseases and even some cancer. Anything foreign you put in to your body, your body will react to. Of course not everyone gets sick but there are a number of people who do. Its a decision you would have to make and weigh the benefits vs. the risks for different plastic surgeries. Plastic surgeons will never tell you about this.

IM not the most qualified person to talk to you about self esteem or how to strengthen it. I hope some of the women here weigh in with their experiences or thoughts on it.
Keep working on this with your therapist and dont rush into anything.

People that have plastic surgery often strongly feel the perfect outer self will crate the perfect inner self...only to find, it doesn't.......there may be a few people that compliment you at first, but the outer attention wades away and you are left with the same INNER self, and fixing an inner self is a bit harder.......

have you ever checked out the site www.forthelittleonesinside.com

it deals with the inner harming critic and how to send your inner self positive messages...

what kind of support system do you have, IRL? Once you have close, close friends you can get your inner needs met that way.....

I do find the sex industry very sexy sometimes and have desires not be in it, bit to get more sex than I get....even though I get a lot....

but I find myself craving something deeper sometimes........

I understand the wanting plastic surgery. but why the sex industry? just curious as to why one would want to do that. I understand the money is not that great either but I am just curious.

Hey, heyjoe. Thank you for your concern and caring advice. You said, "From what i have read and gather there arent too many happy stories in the sex industry." I'd say that's true. I know it, but I keep wanting it, anyway. I guess I don't expect the happiest ending. My life hasn't been terrible, but I don't feel happy, fulfilled, etc. either. I don't know if I ever have felt that way for long at all. I am not saying I will live a hellish existence and die a terrible death- though anything is possible- but I am saying that I don't expect true happiness and fulfillment in my life, sex industry or not. Of course, that's no reason for me to try to make my life even worse by going into the industry.

"Its an impossible standard for most of us to live up to." <- That's true. I swear sometimes, I think that I don't know what "normal" breasts look like. I saw a movie made in the 80's or something (I know it was a bit of an older movie), and one of the women in it was naked and dancing and these guys were really into her. I noticed her breasts sagged as much as mine and were about the same size, as well. It made me feel a bit better. I think maybe that was considered sexy before plastic surgery came along and warped everyone's perceptions. Today, she'd never be an on-screen sex symbol.

As you pointed out, I know plastic surgery is dangerous, and part of me thinks it is insane to risk such things for a smoother face or perkier breasts, but I am just so dissatisfied with my breasts. I don't think I'll ever like them for long at a time in their natural state. I can handle the size, but they sag, and that is what I just can't deal with. I can look at other women whose breasts sag and think they are just fine- even beautiful- but I don't feel that way about myself. I wish I could love my body as is, but I don't think I can. I hate the idea of adding to this culture that says women have to have surgery to be attractive, and I don't want to take part in that and make other women feel bad about their bodies, but I am so unhappy with mine, that I still feel driven to surgery- particularly breast augmentation. I am considering implants instead of a lift, because they can be put in through navels or underarms and help avoid breast scars. With a lift, scars are hard to avoid. Also, while I'm okay with my current size, if I do get a breast lift, my breasts will likely be smaller. Breast lifts sometimes make the breasts smaller, and if I got implants, too, that would make sure I didn't lose size. I think small breasts are fine, but I am used to having larger ones, and I want to keep them. So that is why I'm interested in the implants- that, and I want to avoid scarring so if I can just do implants without a lift and still get the "lifted" effect, that would be optimal for me.

"Keep working on this with your therapist and dont rush into anything." <- My problem is, even when I think about something forever, I usually end up doing it all of a sudden on the spur of a moment, after years of contemplation, but before I've came to any sort of good, solid decision. Hopefully, I won't do that in this case. I have told my therapist about the plastic surgery desire and he's trying to tell me I don't need it, but he has to say that. He's supposed to make me feel good about myself. Besides, he has no idea what I look like naked.

Hey junerain. Thanks for the reply.

"People that have plastic surgery often strongly feel the perfect outer self will crate the perfect inner self...only to find, it doesn't.......there may be a few people that compliment you at first, but the outer attention wades away and you are left with the same INNER self, and fixing an inner self is a bit harder......." <- I'll agree with that. I think that, consciously at least, I know I won't be a different person. Part of my life I have felt like a monster, someone evil or connected to some evil, someone defective, etc. Even now, I think I am defective, and not a very good person. I also think that I am terribly inadequate or mediocre at best, in many areas. I know plastic surgery will only change the outside- though it MIGHT POSSIBLY make me feel a little more confident about my physical appearance. I'll admit, subconsciously, maybe there is some part of me that thinks I will be happier, but another part of me realizes that it will only make me a little happier for a little while, and after that, I will feel as empty as ever- maybe emptier.

"have you ever checked out the site www.forthelittleonesinside.com" <- Never heard of it before, but thanks for the link- I'll check it out.

"what kind of support system do you have, IRL? Once you have close, close friends you can get your inner needs met that way....."<- Well, I have my mother's family, and they support me in many ways, such as financially, but I can't talk to them about a lot. I also have some pets that I love and a few close friends. I have a couple really close friends, but I still feel empty in a way and depressed, unfulfilled, etc. I love them, but I have needs they can't fill and hurts they can't mend.

"I do find the sex industry very sexy sometimes and have desires not be in it, bit to get more sex than I get....even though I get a lot...." <- I used to want it partially for that, but lately, I don't desire sex with random people, anymore. It would remind me of people I really care about and couldn't keep.

"but I find myself craving something deeper sometimes........" <- I know that feeling. What do you think you're missing?

"I understand the wanting plastic surgery. but why the sex industry? just curious as to why one would want to do that. I understand the money is not that great either but I am just curious." <- Well, some people do it for the sex. In the past, that might have been part of what drew me to it. I remember, I used to think the idea of stripping was sexy. Also, as for porn, there are things I could do in porn that I might never get a chance to do in regular life, but I won't get into details, because it might disturb someone. However, that isn't much of the issue with me, anymore, since I don't want to have sex with random people very much, anymore.

I think I partly am drawn to the art because I think pole dancing can be very artistic, graceful, and show great talent and strength if one does it well, which I could prob. never do. I also love dancing and music, even if I suck at dancing. I have also seen nude, somewhat erotic photos that to me, are truly beautiful art. I want to be a part of art.

Also, as I said in the post, it is partly because I don't think I'll succeed at anything, anyway, so I figure I might as well given in and make money off my body. At least this way I could achieve one thing I've sometimes thought about going for. Plus, it would bring money to the table.

Maybe I realize it would make life harder and that actually makes me want to do it because I want to hurt myself or just give up.

Then, as I said, it would be icing on the cake that it would bother my father.

Plus, as my therapist says, it would put me in the position of someone who was wanted. I don't feel very wanted. I want to be loved, but I can never be loved permanently by the people I care about romantically, and sometimes not even the ones I care about as friends or family. This way, at least I'm wanted. But, I'm afraid to get very close to people and this way, I won't have to get too emotionally close. Also, I will have some control as a stripper, as the one who is wanted, the one who is getting paid, etc.

Also, as for money, sometimes the money is crap and the work IS HARD. If you think about it, dancing for hours in platforms or high heels, and lifting yourself on a pole, etc., in a crowded, likely hot, club, is going to be hard work. Plus, they put up with a lot of crap from rude customers. Also, even if you enjoy sex, porn is hard on a person physically, I'm guessing. And even modeling isn't always that easy. Sometimes, they don't make much- Especially new comers. However, if you make it big or work in the right area (as a stripper) or with the right company (As a stripper, nude model, or porn star) and if you are willing to do certain things (in porn) you can make good money SOMETIMES. For instance, some strippers have banked $1,000 in a night, which is good cash. However, I think that is pretty prestigious cash. I've heard of people making about $50 or so their first night, too, which is significantly less than $1,000. That would be about minimum wage, and they prob. wouldn't be working 5 days a week, either, so if you didn't make more than $50 a day and worked less than 5 days that week, you'd make less than minimum wage at a full time job.

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure why I want to do it.

I guess I desire a rich inner world, one full of feelings, closeness to God, music, just feel ...'me..' deep inside, especially coming here to PC and reading about people's deepest feelings and thoughts.............

I am really concerned and worried about you possibly going into the sex industry. You realize that as a woman, you are putting yourself in the position of being an object--simply an object to be penetrated by men. They don't care about your artisitic dancing ability--they just care about their fantasy with your sex parts. I'm concerned about what this career would do to your self-esteem. You have a brain--can you use that in some way to make a living? Even working at McDonald's has to be better than taking your clothes off for men. It just seems like such a degrading 'job' for a woman. Reconsider--your self worth is more than your ability to strip.

porn is not about dancing and music. its about degrading images of women and showing that theyre less than human. that is not art. what happens if you get HIV? what happens when you meet a decent guy and have to explain that youre a porn star? Any guy that's going to want a porn star girlfriend, is not going to be one that you want to be with, I'm guessing.

I feel like, if you truly wanted this, you wouldn't hav e come here. You knew what others' reactions would be and you came here to hear the opposite of what you want. I think you said all that to get people to talk you out of it because you know, deep down, it's not rational or safe or anything else good. Its hard, but you can't just go changing stuff about yourself. I wish I were 5'3'' and 105 lbs but that just wont happen. What happens after you get your boobs done? Its addicting, you know. what else will you want to change? Women on t.v. screens aren't natural. Its not normal too be 5'10'' and weight 115 lbs. America's Next Top model - those girls are freaks. No one is supposed to look like that.

You are assuming that your unhappiness comes from what you look like. Then how do you explain all the fat people of the world who love the way they look? It doesn't come from you being ugly or fat or having saggy breasts. Its from your self worth and sefl esteem. So you change your body thinking that will solve problems but it wont. How happy you are with yourself comes from how you feel about yourself within, not from the outside. And if you don't like yourself as you are now, youre not going to like yourself after a boob job. In fact, you might dislike yourself for going through it. I read an article once about women who commit suicide after their boob job. Its a staggering number of women who feel so worthless afterwards because 1)they thought it would solve everything, and it doesn't and 2) they feel bad for having done it to themselves and wish they could take it back. If I find the link Ill post it. Youre looking for a superficial fix to your self loathing problem and sex is just a substitute. then when you realize that the guys in film with you don't really want you, they were just putting on an act... where does that leave you? I think you would be much better off finding a normal guy who doesn't think about all that crap. I know it seems like most of them are jerks, but there are still some good ones out there.

another point - once you fix all these things about yourself... what kind of people are you expecting to attract? people who wouldnt talk to you now, but would once you "fixed" your face and boobs... aren't the kind of people you want to be around.

I won't hate on the thought of the sex industry because if that's your dream then that's your decision. As far as altering yourself to be accepted into a career or status, this I do disagree with. There seems to be some sort of desperation in you that would make you want to do this.

If your beautiful enough to even consider it...isn't it enough? Is nobody beautiful enough anymore?

I would consider what you've stated above with all seriousness because once you enter the sex industry you become addicted to the money. You have to think of your rep for if you ever change your mind. Also consider what will happen when you age (which in porn is 30-35 is old).

Whatever you decide is your destination, I couldn't judge you for that and nobody else should either. All I basically recommend is to really REALLY consider everything involved before taking any action.

Good luck with everything, hope you reach happiness.