Maybe I'm a Sex Addict??

I have cheated on my husband several times. Afterwards, I feel horrible, like a worthless piece of crap. What kind of wife and mother would do such a thing. Yet I still do it again.

The worst time was about 2 years ago. I would call in sick to work, but pretend to go, and then just sit in a motel with my laptop all day and chat with guys online...then meet. I didn't even know their names. Most I only met once and never contacted again.

At that time...I had never heard about the symptoms of bipolar and borderline...specifically the impulsive side. I didn't know.

This happened when I had just barely started treatment for the first time for depression. I had been on anti-depressants for about 3 or 4 weeks when I did all this crap.

Back then, I had no idea. I just thought I was a bad person doing bad things, no one to blame it on but me.

Now, I realize that it could have been a manic episode triggered by the anti-depressants. Maybe.

That was 2 years ago. I have been good. I haven't even thought about cheating on him.

But then just recently...things crashed. I was doing so well last summer. Got a new job, we moved to a new area. I lost a bunch of weight. My life was going great. However...my relationship with my husband got worse instead of better. I always take that personally. Makes me feel hurt and rejected and unwanted. So...maybe I'm just reaching out for someone to care about me, i don't know. But just recently, I've been going online again. Talking to guys. I met two in person.

I can't blame this on meds this time. No one to blame but myself.

I even posted some ads on craigslist. I was going to meet a couple for a threesome but I backed out.

So....what do you think? Sex addict? Or just trying to get what I'm not getting at home, and trying to find something to blame it on? I don't know.

I really don't look at porn, hardly ever. I do think about sex a lot. My husband never wants it. He never has. It was bad LOOONNGG before I ever cheated on him. We were down to maybe once a month if I was lucky...often 2 or 3 months of NOTHING. The longest was a 9 month dry spell...and near the end of that was my last suicide attempt. That was 2004. A few weeks after the suicide was the first time I ever cheated - I met one college guy online, we had a short 2 month fling. At that time I was not yet married, we were just living together.

I just can't handle the rejection from him. Even before I ever betrayed him. Before I ever got fat. He's always been like this, and I don't know why. The first year we were together, it was great. But it's been downhill ever since, and he can't tell me why. I've asked him to go to a doctor, maybe it's physical. But he says there's nothing wrong. So I keep putting it on me. Maybe I'm just no good in bed. Maybe I got too fat or ugly and I'm not attractive enough.

I"m just rambling...sorry. My real question is this. I just started going to therapy again, yesterday. I am determined to make it work this time. But I couldnt' get the guts up to tell the therapist about the recent stuff. I did mention the episode 2 years ago, right after I started the meds. So of course he's thinking Bipolar. But...what if it's not that? What if I'm just a sex addict who can't control myself? How do I tell him what I've been doing, and is he just going to judge me? I just feel so ashamed.

For razzleberry,

It's easy to get cuaght up in the term, sex addict, it sounds enticing and it's intruiging to label yourself as that, and it may store some answers there for you...but it's good you started therpay again and I encourage you to deal with this, with your therapist....the judging I wouldn't worry about, start out by saying that it's hard for you to say this, with the fear of being judged....perhaps your T will be sensitive then perhaps he's naturally sensitive and you have nothing to worry about...but of all people, you should be able to confide in your T. Sex is a need like any other and I encourage you to confront your husband, you did say you asked to go to a doctor and he said there wasn't a problem...but I use the term 'confront..' here because you need to make it clear just how badly his lack of sexual appetite is affecting you....do not tell him you have looked elsewhere for sex but that you cannot see things continuing the way they are, in any way shape or form, that you just cannot handle it. Can you bring him to your T with you? Keep us updated, you write well, and I'm thinking of you, Junerain

I don't think you are a sex addict at all. I went thru alot of men in my time. I was looking for love and acceptance I believe. I was rejected by my mother when I was a very young child and I feel that that rejection is what put me where I was. You know I never found the kind of acceptance. well yes I did. I found myself. I had to accept and prove to ME that I was worth having around and not going with everything that walked around.
You can do this and if you need to talk pm me. (((hugs)))

I wouldn't worry too much about the label sex addict. If you are an addict, that will be discovered through therapy. I say this mainly because the label could distract you from the real problem if you're wrong. A therapist will be the most qualified to help you find the real issues. That is, once you can open up to him or her.

Because I don't know what your husband's issue is, I'm not sure I recommend the confrontation approach. Conversation, communication, sure. But confrontation, with all the pressure that implies, could be risky if his problem is somehow connected to insecurities about himself or the emotional dynamic of the relationship.

Please don't fear full disclosure in therapy as that's the only way it works.

Cyran0

Just reading this now. I also don't know about the sex addict label, but I just want you to know that I DO understand some of the emotions you must have been feeling.

If you can go for two years without seeking that sort of thing out I couldn't imagine that you are a sex addict. I know it may seem like it's progress if a label could be placed on something but I don't think this label fits.

As someone who has the same sorts of behaviors, it's nice to feel wanted. To be sought out. . the thrill of the hunt

gtg. . kids looking over shoulder...

Sorry!

I personally do not feel that you are a sex addict per say, but maybe more of person that is using sex to get some of the love and affection they did not receive as a child nor in their present relationship...... ((( hugs )))

Maybe I'm just trying to blame it on something else to make me less guilty. I feel like crap for what I did, and yet, I'm too ashamed to admit it.

I did make some changes today. There was one guy I have still been chatting with. He lives a few hours away. We were planning to meet up again in April.

I just 'broke up' with him over email this morning.

I deleted all my online profiles. Changed all my passwords, and for the new passwords I just closed my eyes and typed...so I have no idea what they are. I would have to get new logins to do it again. I even deleted Yahoo messenger from my hard drive. Both home and work. (Yes, that's right, I chat at work).

I hope I can stop this. I'm the kind of person I would hate. I watch those TV movies about a cheating husband and automatically think he's a bad person. Yet I'm that person. I'm the cheater. And it's not even some long steamy love affair with someone I care about - it's strangers off the internet that I barely even know, and will likely never see again.

Why do I do it?? Why?

I could lose everything. I chat at work. If they find out what I write, I could lose my job, my marriage, my family, my kid, all my money, all at once. Not to mention the embarrassment. Our next-door-neighbor / landlord is the computer guy for my office. He would be the one to find anything. Yes, I do try to cover my tracks, but I know there could still be evidence.

Why would I risk everything I have? My life finally got good, why am I ruining it all?

I lost 40 pounds last summer - 70 total since having my baby (she's 2-1/2 years old now). I was doing so great. Got a new job. Moved to a new state. Sold our old condo for good money - paid off every penny of debt, and paid cash for a new car. We have no more money stress. My husband is working the same shifts as me - we did opposite shifts before to save on daycare, but now he's back to days. We are home together at night. My life should be so much better, I have everything I wanted.

But I'm still not happy. My marriage still stinks. Even with the weight loss and the better hours, he still would rather stay up late watching MASH reruns than go to bed with me - even just to cuddle. We haven't been on a 'date' in years, and he has no desire to. Yet he still plans out our future with the house on the corner and the picket fence, the 2.5 children and a dog, family road trips to the coast and vacations to Disneyland. I just get so confused sometimes.

Something snapped, and I don't know why. I have this great new job, but I'm going to mess it all up. I slack off, spend time online, and don't get a good job done.

Somewhere around September I fell off the weight-loss wagon. And as of this morning - I have gained back 20 of the pounds that I lost. Yikes. I was 169 on Labor Day, now I'm 189. I have been binging....a LOT. I even ate an entire pizza and pint of ice cream last night - while watching some TV show on TLC about emotional eating. Talk about ironic!

January was when I started going online again. Met one guy the last weekend in January. Met another one just after our 3 year wedding anniversary - which he did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for. But why should I be upset - I'm CHEATING on him for gosh sakes!! Yet I'm still upset that he didn't care enough to get me ANYTHING for Valentine's Day OR our Anniversary. He did ABSOLUTELY.NOTHING for both days. So yes, that hurts. But cheating???!!! That is not okay. No way.

He knows about when I cheated 2 years ago. That little cheating 'episode' could possibly be blamed on postpartum hormones and incorrect medications (it happened a few weeks after I first started on anti-depressants....turns out I might be Bipolar).

He doesn't know about these recent things. And this recent stuff I can't blame on meds or anything - it's all me

Maybe I should tell him, I don't know. I'm scared. On one hand, I think I would like to be "free" and just end the marriage and be over with it.

But then part of me does want that house on the corner with the 2.5 kids and the picket fence and the dog and all that. I want that. I really do. With him? I don't know for sure. But that's the life I want....so why the hell do I keep f*ckign it all up????

Any time my life gets good, I mess it up.

No one to blame but myself. No one makes me cheat. No one makes me eat. No one stops me from exercising. I'm the one who got fat. I'm the one who cheated. I'm the one ruining my career. It's all me, no one else's fault.

So why the hell do I keep living like this??? Why can't I just STOP?

Just wanted to say that that house with the 2.5 kids, the picket fence, and the dog doesn't really exist, except in our minds, in our fantasies....even the picture perfect family has issues, real ones, ones like you have now......so don't focus on the 2.5 focus on YOU............

My suggestion would be for you to look into reading this book and then try to unravel the real reason as to why you are acting out in such a hurtful way for your spouse...... for IMO - You will never be able to stop the cheating "the symptom" of the real problem until you understand the core of where it comes from.

http://psychcentral.com/reviews/show...8/cat/5/page/1

Maybe its him , not giving you enough affection, I know thats whats making me think like you xxxxx

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casperbabe said:
Maybe its him , not giving you enough affection

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Yes, that's true. And it was bad long before I ever cheated.

But a sexless marriage is not a license for me to cheat! Right?!