caught up in a situation

Ok, so I posted this same question in the womens support, and then got to thinking that maybe I need a male's perspective on this too. I cannot understand why my husband likes to watch porn. he even will watch it after we have sex, but go into another room, and wait until I am asleep. I know he loves our sex life, even though it has been cut to a minimum because I feel like I am raising our three kids by myself because he works as a driller on a oil rid so he works 7 days 12 hour shifts, then he has 7 days off, and he leaves and goes hunting until all hours of the night. then thinks he is going to wake me up a 3-4 in the morning when he gets home to have sex!!! that's insane considering I have to get up at 5am to get the kids up for school, then he will sleep until 12 in the afternoon. So, he will watch porn, and tells me it's MY fault he watches porn cause I don't have sex with him!!! How unfair is this? Any advise for me...guys?

i played the same card with my wife......no sex so I turn to porn

but one thing I realized is that sexual addiction is not about SEX
but core feelings of loneliness and unworthiness

I found my past history( molested as a child, parents divorce, fathers
sexual problems.) all contributed to me turning to porn for "instant gratification"

your husband may be hiding something or has fears of intimacy like myself

good book to read:
"Don't Call It Love" by Patrick Carnes Ph.D

I don't have any insight into the porn after sex thing as, well, I don't do that. But I do enjoy porn in general so here's my take on the appeal.

In my life as it is now, I want sex more often than my wife (actually I want sex more than any hetero partner I've ever had). That's fine, it's her right to say no. But I'm still going to take care of myself (as it were) and sometimes I'll add porn for the heightened arousal. Seeing other attractive people having sex is very exciting and even more so when I can project myself vicariously into the scene. It takes the work out of fantasy the same way watching any movie saves you from having to make up your own stories. In this sense, porn is an enhancement to make masturbation more thrilling.

Another reason I like masturbation (with or without porn) is that it's quicker, easier, and it can be all about me. No worries about pleasing someone else, no trying not to come until she does, no dealing with brushing teeth or uncertainty about whether or not she'll be in the mood, nothing. It's over in five minutes if I want it to be, I know what I want in the moment, and the people on the screen are doing me the service of pretending they are having the sexual experience of their lives.

Now, I'm not going to lie, I also like that it's a way of fantasizing about other women without cheating. It takes care of that desire for others and I'm sorry but many (if not all) of us men see women every single day that we are attracted to and it's nice (if not absolutely essential) to have an outlet for that.

But there's one more point I need to make and I can't stress this enough, I would always prefer a sensual, passionate, low hassle encounter with my partner over going solo. But funny how women don't want to be slaves to our every sexual impulse and having the option of doing it myself allows me to live my relationship's sexual life on her terms. Having porn to keep that exciting is great and I love that my wife has no problem with this.

Cyran0

Wow, Cyran0, I have never looked that deep into that kind of situation!! so in other words, even though you watch porn, it has nothing to do with the love of your wife, or your attraction to her? I mean, you still are 100% in love with her, and your instant gratifications off of porn does not change the love of your wife? I guess I see porn as a sin, I am in no means any way religious, but I am so afraid that he sees this porn, and wants that life style with me....I have never been a risk taker, and have always been called prude when it comes to sex, I never venture to the exciting world of difference. I have been told I need to lighten up a little and he will come around to being more adventurous with me, rather then with porn..you think that maybe I should not be such a missionary position in the sack? We have discussed sex therapy, because my doctors are blaming my not-so-sexual appetite on a chemical imbalance from having children....and I don't think that is what it is, I just think that I don't want sex, and i could really just live without it.......but on the other hand, I'm married, and that is not an option. I just feel that when he is watching porn he is doing exactly what you said, fantasying about other women. i want him to think about me...and just the thought of him thinking of other women is a complete TURN OFF to me, and thats not a good thing considering I am already in a turned off mood. Humm, I guess no that I read what I am writing, I sound so in the wrong..I think i might take up those therapy classes. I want to make him very happy, but I also need the same in return.

married, it sounds to me like you're a little hard on yourself but here's my thoughts, for what they are worth.

Every marriage has two people with two perspectives, two sets of needs, two sets of expectations, two sets of morals, etc. In the marriage, it's the problem of the two parties to figure this stuff out (sex, porn, you name it). The goal, obviously, is for both people to get what they need, feel loved and respected, and grow old together.

So therapy can be a good option in that it gives a structure to work this stuff out but in the end, it's all up to you and your husband. And it's not easy.

Take, for example, your desire to have him never think of anyone but you. Does this strike you as realistic? In my experience, this is impossible for any man. It doesn't mean we'd ever cheat or that we really have any interest in ever living out our thoughts, it just means that thoughts happen and saying that isn't allowed forces us to lie to you.

But on the other hand, you find the prospect of him thinking of someone else hurtful and you feel porn is a visible extension of such thoughts. Well, he should be sensitive to that and keep it out of sight (and I don't mean lie about having it, just not rubbing your nose in it). My wife knows I enjoy porn but I still go out of my way to ensure that she never sees it or even knows when I've been using it.

Anyway, you get the idea. It's about the two of you, what you can cope with, and what you require of each other to be happy. Honesty and communication are key.

Relationships are hard. Good luck to you both.

Cyran0

Cyran0,

I know that we are all human, and to an extent, we humans react on human nature. I would preferred that our relationship is open and honest. I don't believe that he should keep viewing porn, even if it out of sight out of mind for me. Now, there are movies on TV that show some explicit scenes, and we have watch it, but to go and view a porn that shows graphic sex, just makes me think that's what he wants, he has even expressed that to me. i find it uncomfortable, and I don't want to have it in the back of my mind when we are having sex, that he is thinking of those sex scenes and is trying to out live them in our bed. I think that if we can work together on this and come up with a solution, then we can get through this. But still watching it, even behind my back, or in secret, that's really not going to solve this issue. I'm glad it worked out in your situation, i wish I could feel the same, but my issues go to deep, to ignore.

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marriedwithacause said:
I think that if we can work together on this and come up with a solution, then we can get through this.

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I agree. Good luck!

Cyran0

MWAC,
Are you in therapy at all? Would your husband agree to couples counseling? My heart goes out to you. You've explained a very real consequence of how porn affects a marraige. I really hope you all get the help you need. How do you react to your husband--with tears? matter of factly? with anger? Does he understand how his habit makes you feel?

I agree with what was already said here. Porn often has nothing to do with sex - but deeper, internal feelings.

I'd really suggest couples counseling. And try not to take it so personally when he looks at porn. In his mind...it's a completely different thing than you. I would bet he does still love you, and he just can't control his addiction to porn.

Porn.... Hubbie does have some. Porn.... my father has some. I know someone that is totally addicted to it, but i have to say i know my hubbie is not addicted (well my dad i dont think is either but how would i know) lol, um... Well... i guess sometimes its a little harder to know if its borderline addicted vs just something to fufill themselves.

Some people have issues with porn, can be addiction. Porn on an occasion is okay, I guess. Sometimes my husband will invite me to watch something with him....but I've never been into it much. It's grosses me out more then arouses me. I just let him do his thing, but like I said it's only been very few times our 6 years together. He'll ask before he orders a movie...since there 12 dollars a piece.

Definitely bring this issue to him, tell him how it makes you feel. If he's not willing to stop then cut off the Internet or something. If he reacts with rage then you'll know there's a problem.