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Quay
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Default Jun 18, 2008 at 01:36 PM
  #1
I don't know anymore. When I was a kid I knew I wanted a sex change. It was one of the few things I was sure of. Then puberty hit & I felt so betrayed. I absolutely hated that my body was changing. But there are sort of extenuating circumstances; my father just had no use for girls or emotionality. (He didn't respect women either, but he did have a use for them.) And it seemed as if there were often boys or men around that found ways to make me feel unsafe, whether it was the kid that used to be my best friend feeling me up or my uncle's drunken friend trying coax me into letting him touch me.
I did marry, had children, but it was not a good marriage. I divorced a few yrs ago. Through all that time, from puberty to now, I've always known there was something not quite right with me. I felt there was some basic defect that made me less than other woman. I was too masculine somehow.
So now I'm in trx and trying to understand what it's all about, but I just don't know how. It still feels as if there is something wrong with me at a very basic level. Being male would be wonderful, but do I only feel that way because it's a male dominated society? And are my interests and personality really in keeping with a masculine outlook, or am I just afraid to discover that there is a feminine side to me. It feels as if embracing that would mean losing any respect my father has for me. Then again, I'm a grown woman, how important is my father's blessing at this age?
So I remain confused; Have others been through this? Is there hope that this will someday be able to be sorted out?
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bebop
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Default Jun 18, 2008 at 03:15 PM
  #2
I was raised with all boys around me. I was very much a tomboy. now I am not that tomboy anymore. I am pretty feminine now.
I would think that maybe if you were a daddys girl thinking her preferred to have a son then you are trying to fit into that role. If you are really considering gender resection you need to see a therapist since they will have you do that before they would even proceed to surgery. somehow work thru it all before you decide.

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Quay
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Default Jun 18, 2008 at 07:16 PM
  #3
Hi, thank you for your reply -
Would you believe I've been seeing a therapist for almost 5yrs identity confusion I have talked about it a little bit, but it gets to be too much. I start to think there is no way for it to work out. It makes me feel really sad. I haven't told anyone else, and I know I can't call him all the time, so I try not to say too much about it.

You raise an interesting point. Maybe if it was just normal stuff, I would have dropped it by now. I mean, it's not as strong as it used to be, but it hasn't gone away either.

"somehow work thru it",,, I guess I can't do that unless I face it with him. Ok, bebop, guess I better try tharder to talk to him about it.
thanks again for you words, its such a relief to be able to talk to someone else about it
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Default Jun 19, 2008 at 03:58 AM
  #4
(((Quay)))

I haven't been through the exact experience, and I'm only 19, almost 20, but until I was like 14.. 15 or something.. I wanted to be a boy. Especially when puberty hit (which was pretty early too) I was terrified of the changes in my body. I still hate the fact that I menstruate - it reminds me of the fact that I'm female even though I don't feel like one. I no longer want to be just male, either. I don't want to be of either gender - if I could just stop menstruating I would be perfectly happy!

I think I have kinda achieved my goal - sometimes kids come to me and ask if I'm a girl or a boy, thinking it will insult me but in fact I'm satisfied :P

Hope you come to a solution too! Your T can definitely be of great help to you.

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Default Jun 19, 2008 at 10:15 AM
  #5
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Katie_Kaboom said:...Especially when puberty hit (which was pretty early too) I was terrified of the changes in my body. I still hate the fact that I menstruate - it reminds me of the fact that I'm female even though I don't feel like one. I no longer want to be just male, either. I don't want to be of either gender - if I could just stop menstruating I would be perfectly happy!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Me TOO!
I'm not female. I'm not - just ask me. But I'm not male, either. I'm both, I'm neither. I do know that I hate this female body, but it's all I've got so I've learned how to use it.

Why do we have to be one or the other?

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Default Jun 20, 2008 at 11:45 PM
  #6
i never been thrugh anything like this. im a guy and perfectly find with it, but if i was a girl i would be okay with it too bc i would make my own unique life and body. i pefer being a guy, but like i said, even being a girl wouldnt get me down. i really dont have any peferance on either gender. id still live life the way i am now.
hope this helps. overall, do what u feel is right. its ur life, ur the one living it. in the end, ur the only one that has to deal with it. good luck and best of luck.
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selfy
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Default Jun 27, 2008 at 12:10 PM
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for a while i wanted to be a guy too. i know what u felt when you say you feel to masculine. ive had periods where i forget im even female. its been like this long before i hit puberty, and once i did (also quite early) i tried to appear as boyish as possible. i didnt wear girls clothes till i couldnt fit into boys clothes anymore (hips you know...) i often wish i were born a boy, but given my gender now i wouldnt change it, partially because of the reaction of other people, partially because i dont think i want it that much. the feeling was much more prominent when i was younger and i am now feeling more comfy with my gender.
i think also hormones played a part in this. a while back i was told i had polycystic ovaries, caused by excessive testosterone levels. i think the extra testosterone made me feel less comfy being female, and is probably why i act the way i do.
ive been told a few times by people who didnt know me, that alot of chat members think im male. which i thought was rather funny. if people dont physically see or hear me they do tend to think im male unless i bring up something female.
ive pretty much learned to embrace my femininity and slight tomboyishness. i feel awkward about my body shape occasionally, and i still look at things from what i think of as a male perspective. but i dont mind. im quite happy being what i was born as.

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JustinLucas
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Default Jul 09, 2008 at 12:18 PM
  #8
it might be in your best interest to find a new therapist who is a gender specialist. i'm female to male trans- i haven't started transistion yet becuz there are no gender therapists in my area, but i will be moving next year to fix that problem. good luck, hope you work it all out
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