ive come here for help (hopefully)

hello,

my name is clara and i have been looking for a place to find some answers to some questions of a delicate nature.

i have suffered from depression for so long now it is just a part of me. i want to overcome it. i dont want to live the rest of my life this way. i always have all these stupid questions/thoughts that bother me and occupy all my time - so much so that i dont get anything else done, it seems. Life just slips by while i sit here listless.

one problem i thought i might could request help for here:

my husband and i have been together for over 15 years and we love each other dearly. i am very thankful for that. for about the first decade our love life was helped along with alcohol. we drank a fair bit and i could sometimes climax with him. but i have always had issues with sex.

i guess deep down i feel like sex is "bad." growing up my spiritual convictions led me to believe that sexual gratification was "wrong."
but that didnt stop me from being obsessed with it.

now i cannot climax unless i use a vibrator. sometimes that is not enough and it takes a combination of *orn, stimulation from my husband, and most of all thoughts of abuse or submission. i guess i feel that if it is not my fault then i am not a "bad person" for enjoying it. it can take an inordinate amount of time for me to achieve some form of pleasure.

when everything is over i want to cry. i feel so guilty and i have these thoughts of cutting myself: carving my abdomen off or slicing my throat, etc.

what's wrong with me?

winter is a hard time for me and i do not feel well. i seem to have more trouble with impulsive and intrusive thoughts of self-harm and self-degradation.

Just wanted to take a moment and let you know that some one has read your post and understands how you are feeling and what you are going through.

Please know that you are not alone and that many others here on PC have come through some similar situations as you have - my self included.

Looking forward to sharing with you and hoping that you can find some relief in talking.

firstly, thank you rhapsody for your kind response.

i dont know if maybe i should be discussing all of this in relationships or what - i dont want to encroach on someone else's forum?

if so, just tell me. i wont be all that hurt bc ive posted once in new intro and once in depression - i dont know where to go with all my crap but i'd like to settle some place. i guess that's how its done?
i know it would be less confusing for me.

ive only tried this on-line forum approach two other times in my life and they were both really short lived. one met with some response. and one i was just about totally shut out in the dark which i found confusing and cruel (seeing as how i was pretty much suicidal - although i didnt harp on it all the time - youre not supposed to right, and besides, who really cares?) this is all just a practice in futility. no, i hope maybe thats not true.
this is for me. to help me sort out my feelings. to help me see it on paper. (although feedback is the ultimate goal) but if that cant be achieved atleast i have myself, right? selfish. i guess i want to be a little selfish.
i feel sometimes like not being selfish enough has led to me being as screwed up as i am. you know, the whole "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" well i did not squeak for a long time. "children should be seen and not heard." i carried that lesson too far perhaps? into early adulthood, into and past many red flags.

last night i had a discussion with my husband about the whole intimacy issue. me having to feel bad, etc. i thought i'd just go to bed but i gathered the nerve to bring it up instead. we talked for a minute. looked like it might go okay. i thought about how we dont have any children - how i just cant see having one in my body - how wrong it makes me feel. and how wrong that makes me feel for that making me feel wrong. its so sad to me. i didnt know my life was going to turn out like this. i didnt know i was going to accomplish so little. it made me teary. (was unusually teary yesterday) that set him off. argument. atleast he didnt break anything. just stood over me and rushed me like a big gorilla. idiot. it does scare me some but im not going to take it. it used to break my heart when he'd actually hit me but i'd be damned if i was going to give him the satisfaction of cowering. (not that i was a saint - there were times i hit him, too.) but that's all over now. i never provoke him. now he knows that if he blows up its all on him. i remain calm - i mean i dont always remain Calm - it does make me cry sometimes but i dont provoke him i try to calm him or reason with him. "quit crying" so much disgust in his voice.
he hates me. he's going to leave. he loves me. i love him.
i tell him that i want his support. he tells me that he makes the money and that i should go out and get the support i need with that. i tell him i dont care about the money (we live on $500 take-home pay a week). "dont i give you everything you need - what more do you want!?"
i want you, i think. i want your emotional support. its not a fair trade-off that i should have to go buy emotional support. why cant he see that? it breaks my heart. he's just angry. i know he loves me. there's no doubt i love him but god, he frustrates me.
i totally scratch telling him about the thoughts ive been having lately how i dont even know why im living anymore.

this morning i wake up at 5am as usual to fix his breakfast and lunch and see him off to work. my eyeslids are atleast twice there normal size from my stupid crying jag last night. but things are better. the storm has passed.

I wish I was right there beside you so I could give you a big hug and not let go until you moved... as you do not deserve to be hurting so much.

I see my own past life and marriage in your words (minus the physical abuse) and I am here to tell you that it can be fixed and that you can be happy with the man you love - but I am also here to let you know that sadly you will have to take the first step on your own and seek help from a T by your self (your husband will come with you to T in time - mine did).

Please know that there is nothing wrong or sinful about sexual pleasure / satisfaction between a man and his wife... the bed is undefiled and all things are acceptable as long as each partner is comfortable with it.

(((((((((((( clara ))))))))))))))))

I can really understand the climax issues that you are having as I am struggling with that myself, please don't feel guilty.
I also wanted to point out that most people settle in several forums, so you don't have to limit yourself to just one you can find a few forums that you are comfortable with and post there.
I know that you said that you don't want to have to pay for emotional support, therapy is more about learning new coping skills to help us along our journey of life. You may really find it helpful, plus I think it would help you see that your problems are not all that rare, alot of people struggle with these issues.
If you need anything feel free to pm me.

((clara))
((rhap))
((gimme))
im sorry you have all had to go thru this and still go thru these things
gimme is right clara you will find a forum or forums you are comfortable in and meet some great supports here, such as the one you have met in this thread -rhap.
things can get better although slowly, the thing is to keep trying.
i agree about the T, and that maybe ur husband may want to join you.
we are all here to support you thru all the good and the tricky times.

I have to make a comment here. I HATE the fact that men can be such beasts. I am a man, and by no means perfect, but why is there so much anger in men? How can they not listen and respect their loved ones?

Clara, I'd like to apologize for my gender. I can't speak to your other concerns, but fwiw, I'm sorry.

First, a warning that this post might be a little graphic for some, so please do not read if this might be an issue for you. I'm sorry in advance.

Hi Clara,

I am going to write hoping that it will help us both in some way.

I am just coming to terms with all of my past in terms of my sexuality. I won't go into some of the details, only what I think might pertain to your situation. I also have an almost impossible time having an orgasm with anyone. I was married (once) for 2 years, and it was a huge effort for my ex to get me to climax. There was no way I could do it without direct stimulation and it took forever sometimes.

He became a totally different person on the day that we got married. He completely changed and told me specifically that now he could treat me any way that he wanted, now that I was married to him. He was very emotionally abusive. He had his moments of kindness, but overall he had huge issues to deal with. Married 5 times (which everyone says should have been my first clue)

Prior to being married, I had always faked it with guys. I would have sex with them and then masturbate when they left the room. I was game for anything that they wanted sexually, but it wasn't because I was giving myself to them. I would always sort of detach when it came to sex. I loved to be dominated and was very attracted to S & M. I would seek guys out that liked to spank.

For me, all of this came from being abused as a child and being sexualized so early in life. I love sex, just not with men or real people. I would rather have the fantasy and pleasure myself rather than be "hurt" by a person.

If nothing else, you are so not alone in how you feel. Sex is not bad. Its just that for me, someone planted that thought in my head by their actions, and I have to fight it all the time.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. It has to be hard while married. I know it was for me.

clara0clear0eyes, I struggle with intimacy too. I also decided I could not have children because I still have mental health issues from my own childhood. It is a tough thing to lose something as special as having a child. Time has helped heal a lot of my wounds, but I still have some struggles. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but at the moment I am really wiped out and I'm too tired to think. But, I wanted to at least reply to your post so you know you are not alone. Take heart, I think things do get better....

heya, coming here a bit late to this post, but I thought I'd post on it anyway.

I think there's a lot of feeling that sex is bad... it's ingrained in so many of us.
I haven't had the same troubles , but I've often felt that having sex is "bad".
Part of this may come from certain parts of society saying it's bad. I don't know...

And another thing I noticed... is:
from that... Im seeing a lack of respect for you on his part. Please realize that your feelings are valid, and that they deserve attention. The way I see it, is that no feeling can be "wrong" or "invalid". You feel how you feel, you can't change it. The reasons for how you feel can be wrong, but not the feelings themselves.

Just wanted to say, don't feel bad for feeling this way, it's not abnormal to feel this way. And it sounds like your husband isn't taking everything in stride either. He needs to be there for you emotionally... for me at least sex is not just a physical it's a VERY VERY EMOTIONAL thing. And if the emotional side of your relationship isn't fixed up, then sex could be a problem from that alone...

dunno if that made sense but... sending hugs

Thank YOU for your HONESTY....

Clara, Just wanted to add another ... you're not alone comment.