"He" emailed me again...and stupid me wants to respond

I had an affair from January - June this year. It ended suddenly, due to my crash into a deep depression that resulted in 3 suicide attempts and 2 hospitalizations over the summer. I have both Bipolar II and Borderline.

I did tell my husband about the affair. He also knows about a string of one-night-stands back in 2006. The 2006 crap we can directly attribute to a manic episode triggered by the antidepressants they gave me when I thought it was postpartum depression, not bipolar.

But the affair...is more than just an impulse. It lasted 6 months...and I still think about him, months after it ended.

I deleted all my methods of contacting him - email addresses, phone numbers, etc. But a couple months ago, he called me on my cell phone just out of the blue, totally surprised me. He asked how I was doing, if I was okay. He was concerned about me because of my mental state. He asked if it was okay if he kept in touch once in a while. I said yes. Why did I say yes?!

Then...just a couple days ago, I got an email from him. Asking me how I'm doing, if I'm excited for the holidays, asking about my daughter. One thing we have in common? Both of us are married to someone else...and both have a 3 year old daughter.

Part of me wants to respond. Just talk to him again. Never meet in person, but just have someone to talk to. That's what it started as.

But who am I kidding???

I am going to destroy two families if I don't stop this.

My husband loves me so much. I have put him through a LOT of **** that any other man could have got up and left me years ago. There's the affairs. Spending all his money. Gaining 100 pounds in 3 years (I binge). There are the multiple suicide attempts. Mood swings. (keep in mind...we didn't know it was Bipolar until about April of this year...)

He is still here, he still wants to be married. When I told him about this affair, I am the one who mentioned divorce, not him. He said no way, no divorce. He wants to be married.

I really need to fix my marriage. On the surface, it is great. We get along fine, we don't fight, we have fun with our daughter, we're great financially, everything is fine...except one small detail.

There is no romance, period. No affection. No intimacy. No sex. No cuddling. No making out. No holding hands. No hugs. No weekend getaways. No evenings out together/alone, No romantic walks at sunset....NOTHING!

We love each other, but it is like brother-sister love, not husband-wife love.

I want to stay together for my daughter's sake, I don't want her shuttled between two homes.

I guess I have two questions for this board:
* why do I keep thinking about the other man
* how do I figure out why my husband has zero sex drive

He had a low / non-existant sex drive even before I ever cheated on him, before I ever gained weight. It's been this way for years. I guess I should just get used to it somehow.

A sexless marriage is defined as less than 10 times a year. We have been dating for 8-1/2 years, married for almost 4 years. It has been 'sexless' for at least 6 years.

We might average once a month, but then go for 3-4 months with zero contact whatsoever. Then I might get really lucky and get it twice in one weekend, but then nothing for 6 months. The longest was a 9 month dry spell. Right now...8 months. He hasn't touched me since April.

I know the infidelity has an impact, he probably pictures me with the other man and it grosses him out, he doesn't want to be with me. I get that. I'm waiting for him to show he's ready.

But...it was like this before I cheated. It was like this before I gained the weight. So we can't just blame it all on those two issues. There is something else going on. What?

But then the bottom line is....if I really love him, I should love him enough to go without. Sex isn't that important, or it shouldn't be. I should love him enough that it wouldn't bother me. If he were paralyzed from the waist down, I should love him enough to go the rest of my life without it, right? If he were in the military, I should love him enough to go 2 years without while he is deployed, right? So why do I let it get to me so much?

We tried marriage counseling. Went for 9 weeks...and got nowhere. The counselor just wanted to shove issues under the rug and not deal with them. I thought that was the opposite of what counseling was supposed to be.

I am in individual therapy for my illnesses. Whenever I tell her about having thoughts of the other man, she just increases my dose of medication (she does meds and therapy). She doesn't address the issues. And she keeps asking me how things are going with my husband, and asking about the sex part. Telling me I should try and get that back in our relationship, that it is really important. That just makes me feel even more guilty, and even more rejected.

Sorry for the long post, I just needed to get this all out.

Thanks.

I think you have affairs due to the lack of contact with your husband! I know how you feel hon. I know that feeling of feeling not wanted. no words of wisdom. I just want you to know I totally understand.

Wow, so you have a lot going on too!!!

So I don't know anything about the bipolar or depression issues but I do know how it feels to feel guilty that your husband loves you sooo much and you feel bad for how you treat him... and the no sex thing for long periods of time, etc... (Obviously, from my other posting, him and I have picked it up in the sex department, but I have been where you are before.)

Here's my advice for you... Stop all contact with this other man. If you want to be married, you need to cut off contact with this other person, period. He can't know that you still think about him and you need to law down the law and tell him it's totally over...no communication with him period, what so ever. Thinking about him will get less and less over time.

Sex is important. Trying to convince yourself otherwise is not going to make you not want it any less. You will just continue to seek the attention of outside people to make you feel complete. What does he do when you try to cuddle with him, hold his hand, initiate sex with him?

You sound like you are not happy with your weight. Being happy with yourself might be a good start on feeling better about your marriage. Start an exercise program. Make yourself feel HOT, and hopefully he will too!

It sounds like you have a great guy here and they are hard to find. Is there anything that you know of that turns him on?

Wishing you the best...

You sound like you are not happy with your weight.

Now that's an understatement!! I hate how fat I have become.

I weigh 240 pounds. The same I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant, the highest I have ever weighed. When we first met, I was a 110 pound size 6 19 year old. I am not the same person he met. He has never gained an ouce, I have gained over 130 pounds.

I gained most of the weight between 2002-2004 from binge eating. Then got pregnant. Then lost a little. Started Weight Watchers in 2007, got down to 169 pounds last September. But I was back up to 199 pounds this September. And thanks to the LOVELY(not!) drug Zyprexa, I gained another 40 pounds since September.

I am starting over on a diet/exercise plan as of December 29th. My New Year's Resolution (cliche) is to lose 100 pounds in one year. It's possible if I lose 2 pounds a week. I really want to do it.

Anyway...back to the subject - I always blame our poor sex life on my weight. I KNOW it must effect him, somehow. I'm not sexy anymore, and I know that. Well...one nice side-effect is I do have bigger boobs...but still...

But then I keep going back to this old photo I have of us on our first cruise togehter in 2001. I was 20 years old, size 6, had just been tanning, in a short dress, dressed up for the nice dinner night on the cruise. I looked friggin' HOT in that photo!! I use it now as my "motivation" picture for weight loss.

But guess what? On that cruise - a 5 day cruise - we NEVER had sex, not once, the entire time. I remember one night they had a midnight buffet, and I begged him to come back to the room with me, but he wouldn't. He was more interested in eating a midnight buffet than me.

All these years...the only thing I want to know is WHY. WHY doesn't he want sex.

Right now - I can blame it on the infidelity, my weight, late work schedules, maybe he's just tired.

But then why was the sex bad BEFORE I ever cheated, BEFORE I gained all the weight.....I don't know.

perhaps you can use a session with your T to bring in your husband and talk about his low sex drive and the ways you can help him, and yourself, to re-ignite this aspect of your relationship.

there may be other reasons for his low sex drive also, like, he could have a hormonal imbalance, depression, sexual dysfunction, or sexually be uninterested... and you can find out why, so you can work on it.

there are other things that could be affecting his sex life also, you name it... there is a regular smorgasbord of probabilities.

then there is a fear of intimacy issue.
so if you know what the problem is, you can work on it and get this train back on the tracks.

I sympathize. I understand how you feel, but looking outside a marriage to ignore, or even fix a problem that is inside of the marriage.. it's just not smart, it's also ineffective.

talk about heartaches, and all types of deceptions, let alone the people you will deal with if this behavior continues... well, it's not worthy of you.

be well, get into facing the problems up close and personal, succeed in this, and have a better life with your own family.

after all, you don't want to hurt another family... I've been on the receiving end, and it really damages people for very long periods of time. some aspects do not leave your life and make you ill. it's not pretty. it's where people who want a wholesome life steer clear.

walk away from this other man. you are better than this.

if you find your husband is not into your marriage, take care of that. you will be available for healthy relationships if you resolve issues and end this marriage before you take up with another man. plus, the caliber of the man will be healthier, well, if you use your head and make good decisions.

right now you are not in this position anyway.

good luck with your marriage.

peace,
night

OMG. This is so similar to me. I know how your feeling. I have been married to my husband, and as you stated, we have a nice arguement-free life.
I have been having an affair with someone for three years!! No, it hasn't been exposed. I have tried breaking it off with my "friend" several times but, I keep going back. I cannot bring myself to delete the secret email address and he still texts me too. He tells me that he loves me. I know he will never leave his wife. I would not ask him to do that. I don't want to mess up my childs life by divorce either. We( spouse and I) don't have sex that often. He says he is attracted to me but, I don't seem to be desirable to him That is is the way I feel. When we do have sex it ends up that I have to please him because he can't get me there.
This "friend" is the one that I think about. I do think I love him ..but do I??
As far as the weight gain.. I feel your pain. I was working in a pretty physical job and then went to a desk job. Staring gaining slowly. I am now unemployed and attend college so imagine the exercise there.
I feel so unattractive. But to this "friend" I feel as if he thinks I am perfect.
I know I am suppose to be helping you here...wow how much better do I feel venting here. Sorry about that.
I would like to talk to you more..contact me, if you'd like.

Best wishes
First Impressions