Hurting--Please Help me Understand... (kind of explicit)

pretty typical "OMGWTF AM I GAY?" post. Please bear with me, if you can.

So I'm a girl and I've always been a tomboy. Never to an extreme, or anything, but I'd say I'm equally masculine and feminine in character traits (versus most of the girls I know, who are more into fashion, looking nice, etc.)

I thought I was bi for a while. Like homoerotic more than hetero-erotic stuff, for the most part. Weirdly, I enjoy male homosexual stuff more than lesbian--but I've never had any real sexual experiences, so I can't say for sure. This just comes from the wonderful information mine that is the Internet. Ahem.

My parents found out about what I thought and flipped a royal poop pancake. It was bad. I've since convinced them I was just confused, I AM straight, thanks much, it was just a stupid phase brought on by depression. Lies. I AM confused, but mostly because girls can be Oh. SO. sexy.

Is there a litmus test for this kind of thing? Are there certain things that you can point to and say, "Yup, you're bi," or "Nope, you just admire other women, you're basically normal"? I'm pretty sure I'm gonna grow up, get married, have a husband and kids and a white picket fence... but I'm questioning so much right now. And it hurts. A lot. I can't talk to ANYONE about this, not even one of my best friends who IS gay. >.<

Soooo frustrating. Thanks for your time, all.

I would not stress over this to much - enjoy being you and time will reveal the truth to you in time.

I remember feeling I was bi for many years and after healing from a lot of my inner wounds I found out that I was not bi and that I was uses my connection to females to regain some of what was lost between my mother and I during my teen years.

Thank you so much for your kindness... but many people have told me this, and I can't seem to take it to heart. I don't enjoy being me much at all, in fact, I just want this confusion to go away! It's a weird thing... part of me embraces what I feel because it's different and a little out there, another part knows it causes me hurt and rejects it, another part wonders if the feelings of wanting it to stop makes the feelings of embracing my sexuality more "valid".... AUUGH! It's a crazy cycle.

Yes it can be... and usually will be until your body makes up its mind.

Hey muse,

one of the reasons that people with mixed feelings about the sexuality don't like themselves is because they fear rejection by others and they want to fit in with appears to be normal society. They fear they will loose their friends or their family.

You are not alone, many people have been where you are and have found happiness and a fulfilling life. Don't feel ashamed of your feelings, what your feeling is normal. The world gives us very unrealistic images of what men and women are suppose to be like. Including how boys and girls are suppose to be, how families are suppose to be and how relationships are suppose to be.

It might help to find a group in you area for people who are struggling with their feelings of bisexuality or being gay. There is no pressure in the groups but a relaxed way to explore and talk about issues and meet other people.

Some people go through a period of saying they are bisexual before they fully come out. First they come out to themselves and then others. This might not be you.

If you sexuality attracted to women then explore that option. Don't be concerned too much with what sort of porn you like. See if you find gay and lesbian social groups. I understand when you feel that you have keep all this a secret from family and friends, but it might help you to settle down your feelings.

Okay sweety let me give you a little advice from my experiences in life. I had a lot of lesbian friends when I was bartending at 19. I ended up dating one very butch girl and only going as far as kissing her. I have always felt so close and comfortable with gay and lesbian people. I am now happily married for the past 8 years and my husband knows that I am quiet the tomboy but I can dress in the 9's when the occasion calls for it. I also have two beautiful sons. My husband knows I find women atractive. (Angelina Jolie oh dear GOD take me now!) But that doens't mean if she walked up to me I'd jump into bed with her. There are quiet a few of us out there who can enjoy the look of the female form but still be straight. I can have a girlfriend if I want but I don't. I find many women on the street, on television, and in general very attractive but only my husband and my best friend ( and now you) know that about me. You have to be careful who you talk to and I want you to know that I will always talk to you if you need me. I'm 29 and I have done a lot of living in my few years on this earth. I can lend a hand in any way I can. Don't feel like you're alone it's just hard to find us. In all my 29 years I've only found three. So don't get discuraged there's nothing at all wrong with you. And don't let your parents make you feel like you're anything less then perfect the way god made you. Sometimes parents just freak out because that's what they do. They only want the best for you. If you still need to talk just let me know.. I'll be here to help you through this. It's hard to be alone and I don't want you to go through what I did.

Thank you SO MUCH Davidandchris--you are incredibly kind to reach out to me like that.

Lately I've been doing a bit better. I ended up confessing to a girl I've been attracted to for quite some time that I really, REALLY liked her (she herself is bisexual) but was upset because I knew she was in love with someone else. She said, among other things, "Well, I could always have sex with you, see if you enjoy it," and basically said if I wanted to experiment, she'd be willing.

In about eight seconds, all attraction went *POOF*. I realized that I wasn't able to see her as more than just a really pretty girl if I knew she couldn't be exclusive to me, or at least attempt to be so, and that our values were so obviously different when it came to relationships that it'd never work out. I lost respect for her when she said that, and when that vanished, so did most of my attraction to her.

That was kind of what I'd been waiting for, weirdly... something to tell me that I don't just see other women as "sexy," but might want something long-term with another woman. Now I feel like... yeah. I could see that happening. If it does, it does, if it doesn't, it doesn't.

Thank you all for your help and advice. It's been so helpful to know that there are people here who I can reach out to if I need them (and I'll probably end up doing just that again, hehe).

The only thing I would add to the good things other have said here is that human sexuality can be a VERY complex thing. Don't expect that you will fully figure yourself out anytime soon. It may take several years of exploration and deep pondering, and there's nothing wrong with that. Your particular sexual orientation may not fit into any broad category. I know mine doesn't.

Hi. I am sorry that you are going through this struggle. I think it is important that we realize that humans do not work like robots. IE it is either one way or the other. Instead we operate in ranges. One person might have a 30% physical attraction to men, and 70% attraction to women. Another might have 99% attraction to men, and 1% to women. These responses can also change depending on a lot of factors (that are not under our control, for example hormonal). It is important that you realize that you are not abnormal, there are lots and lots and lots of people that feel the way you do (far more than will admit ). Concerns such as the one that you are experiencing are very upsetting, maybe it would be a good topic to bring up with your therapist? The most important thing that you can do is to learn to love the person you are, regardless of what level of attraction to have for either sex (I know this might be very hard, especially if you have a very conservative family). Please be safe, and know that you are not alone.

Don't worry about needing a "label" for yourself. Just fall in love with whomever you fall in love with and take it from there. Screw labels. Sexuality bes not a fixed rigid thing but fluid, we go through changes all throughout life with regard to our sexuality. Love whom you love when you love them and love them well.

((((((((((((( fred01 )))))))))))))))

I have both male and female friends who are gay...why? I don't know, it just worked out that way.

I've been married for almost 21 years, I have 5 great kids and three wonderful grandkids....wouldn't change that for the world!

In time, you'll know which way you want to go, I have many female friends who I am close to, but they are only friends...someone to see a movie with, someone to share recipes with...just someone to talk to....all wonderful in their own individual way!

Im not sure how old you are but you remind me A LOT of what I have gone through.
When I was 13 I thought myself to be bi, and I had a best friend who thought the same. We were so close that we actually found great affection for one another and secretly started "dating". We never kissed but we cuddled and told eachother we loved another all the time. Eventually, my parents found out and, as you would put it, "flipped a royal pancake." haha. After that I have never had a relationship with another girl. Infact, I've had three boyfriends, one of which i dated for 2 years and one I am still currently seeing and madly in love.
This incident in my past still bothers and confuses me at times, but right now I am with a fantastic boyfriend whom I love and I know wouldn't leave for anything. I wouldn't call myself bisexual, but I sometimes get turned on by girls. It's bothersome, but I know I like men and am more turned on by my boyfriend and other men than I am girls. I dont want to do anything with girls and I am perfectly happy with my boyfriend, so, like I said I don't consider myself bisexual.
Sometimes, when youre young, things can be really confusing. But now I am 18 (still young, I know, but a lot less immature then when I was 13) and I have got things figured out. I too want to grow old, have a husband, children, and a great life with my own family.

I have no idea if my story helped, but I hope it did.