in need of advice please

i will try hard to summarize. husband and i married 8 years. second marriage no children. best friends. i am very sexual. he has dropped off to absolutely no interest. he wasn't HUGELY sexual when we met but it was still good. dated for 2 years before marriage. one year into marriage and i developed some medical issues. during this time i didn't have a problem with diminshed sex life but again it at least existed.

after medical issues addressed, it slowly got worse. we talked many times. it has dwindled to non existent. i have asked him if he is gay. he denies and in fact becomes somewhat defensive. outside of these discussions he actually seems homophobic. he works construction and the crew he works with would have a field day with it. as well my family is for the most part christian so he is surrounded by unsympathetic people which would be difficult for anyone to even want to come out with that type of revelation.

to be completely honest, i myself would have a hard time with it even if the other problems that come along with it for a married couple were not there. I love him with all my heart and would not turn away from him but gosh it would be tough to live with.

of course now it would be doubly hard because we are married. I have dealt with this for years now and have finally beaten myself down so badly because i was sure he was just not attracted to me anymore that now i realize i need to do something for my own sanity. really what i need before i go further with helping myself is i need to have confirmation from him. i don't know how to approach this properly without upsetting him. i want him to know that if he is gay, i would not hold anything against him as i truly believe it is not some kind of lifestyle change that he decided on but rather just the way he is wired so to speak. i hope i am not offending anyone with my own ignorance.

i would just like some guidance on creating/starting an open and frank discussion with him.

can someone give me some advice here? thank you so much

are there indications that say he is gay? just because one has a low libido does not make one gay. alot of us women on the boards here are going thru much the same thing as you are. hubby's with no sex drive. good luck though. you didn't say how old he is. that could be a factor or his testosterone could be low.

Are you thinking he might be gay solely based on the fact that his sex drive has vanished? - because there could be other reasons for low to no sex in men.

Mismatched sex drive happens to a lot of couples and it sucks.

Has he seen a doctor? Sometimes a change like this is a clue to other problems. He might find asking his doctor a little embarrassing, but he might unearth what's wrong.

IMO, you should focus on that aspect when you talk to your husband--the possibility that he might have a hidden physical problem and your concern for his health.

As everyone else has said, low sex drive or loss of interest doesn't mean he's gay. My boyfriend has had no interest in sex with me for several years (but that's another topic and issue altogether), but gay is one thing I have no inkling that he might be. Is there something else that makes you think he's gay?

After being married (or just together) for a while, it's not unusual for one or both partners to have dwindling sexual interest. You might want to see a counselor (or a doctor, should it be a possible medical issue, as Sloth said), and try some ideas for spicing up the marriage.

i totally agree with you all that this does not necessarily mean he is gay and believe me it's not what i want this to be.

i have researched this a bit. and what i have read so far fits the situation pretty good however, i might be looking so hard for an answer that i am grasping here.

as for reduced sex drive..i don't think it has exactly reduced. i was in that NEW phase when i met him so i never noticed (especially cause my drive is pretty healthy so when i think back it was initiated predominately by me. and then as i mentioned, i was 'out of commission' for a bit so again, not much notice. but he then had a year doing work out of town. i only saw him on the weekend. i assumed that this would be a time of "reconnecting" so to speak. nothing. this went on forever. i talked with him. he apologized. in fact he has been doing that forever. once he came home, which has been for 3 years now, still nothing. we make love maybe 3 times a year. i would say that isn't really "diminished". i don't know.

when i ask if his previous relationships were like this he says there have been complaints before. he said he has been like this since his twenties. docs have all said everything is good medically.

i am not without guilt of my own. i have tried so hard not to pressure and to be patient and understanding. he always seems to have apologies, and promises. again, nothing. i have asked to see a counsellor. he said he would take care of it. that was years ago. i have taken the initiative to do it. he has agreed to do this. he says he understands my sadness, frustration, loneliness and doesn't want this to ruin our relationship. i am not sure if he is referring to our friendship only. i really love and care for him but i am slowly starting to turn away. i feel so rejected. i have told him all of this. he only apologizes and that's all he seems to do. he seems frustrated when we talk, like he has something he wants to say but can't get the words out. that in itself is very frustrating to me. i would just like to know. that's all i need for now. his age is 47. i am 45. we are very healthy in every way. we have known and been together for 10 years. sorry for the book!

I am 41 and my husband is 44 and I can tell you that the more you pressure him for sex or intimacy the more is he going to pull away.... so relax and enjoy being together day to day with out any other worries.

Is your husband more willing to be sexual when you initiate it? - or does he still protest?
BTW - my sex life has gone down to once every three weeks, not great but not bad.

Hi,
just because you and your husband aren't sexual doesn't mean that he's gay. How old is your husband? There are numerous physical and emotional reasons why someone could avoid being sexual. It could be a prostate problem, medications or any other numerous reasons. You need to open the lines of communication and ask him in the most loving way you can -what is his reason for not being sexual. Does he view internet pornography-some men get their gratification from that and stop paying attention to their wives. It could be he's not gay at all and when you accuse him, he just feels like shutting down the communication. Try to be more open minded in the possible reasons for the lack of sexuality. Best of luck to you both.

I am going thru this with my husband too. maybe once every 3 or 4 months tops. he use to not be able to keep his hands off me. all testing was fine so it is in his head basically. I don't have the answers but hon you are not alone. there are others here too that are going thru it.

I can provide a guy's view on this issue. ED can be the cause of his low libido, we are stressed out to the max sometimes with the economy and trying to provide for our families and the sexual drive is diminished. Anxiety problems, etc.

I have always been highly sexual with my wife and she wasn't for many years but, that has all changed. Now she is more active as I am less. What a trade off, just when she is coming around I'm less interested and it is because of ED, so I went to the Doctor and she gave me Cialis.
What a difference a little pill makes. I was always willing but because of ED I didn't want to start something I couldn't finish. Even though I am always willing to give oral she dosen't like it that I don't get off and feels like she is using me. I tell her don't worry about it, my time will come (no pun intended).

I hope I haven't been too graphic and Mod's feel free to delete this and I'll take it to PM.

50guy you made me chuckle. not too graphic at all for me. we have been going through some counselling here. i have since found out that my husband could be experiencing post traumatic stress syndrome. his sisters were sexually abused by their stepfather who my husband had always looked up to growing up. but what he thought was a 'good buddy' was actually a deviate who tried to instill terrible ways to see women and was abusing his sisters. i often found it unusual that he could not remember much of his youth. but now that this has all come out he has found out some terrible things and it has made him feel responsible and guilty that he just never realized it was going on and feels guilty that he did not see the signs and therefore did not protect him. it doesn't matter how many times you tell him otherwise, he just can't get the whole thing out of his head. needless to say he has talked about how much he wished that his stepfather was dead and he has also severed his relationship with his mother for siding with his stepdad. which is another problem in itself.

it is very long and involved with many details. suffice it to say, the situation pops into his head every time we are about to get intimate. it is driving him crazy and this makes alot of sense to me. this all came to light just before i met him and after recovering from my medical problems i started to notice the changes in him. i thought it was me. i guess that is self centered in a way but i never really felt good about myself after being sick and i thought that was pushing him away. he is the most kind, caring and loving person i have ever known. and i would venture to say that this has worked against him when it comes to guilt feelings about his sisters. he was the older and only brother of 4 girls. the girls also told him that the stepfather beat him and chased him through the house with a belt and locked him in his bedroom. he doesn't remember any of this.

he really would like to see the girls press charges. they have since moved on and though it will always affect them AND their spouses they have learned to deal with it. and anyway, that would not make the visions in his head go away. he'll always have them and he needs to deal with them. hopefully the counsellor can help.

i thank you all for your advice. i will be signing off now. just wanted to give my story so that if others are wondering about their own situation, mine might be an example that there may be other forces at work that have nothing to do with being gay.

thanks so much. peapod