[Evening]

It's just occurred to me the extent of my bedtime routine, I know it's because of my PTSD, I think I'm so used to it that it's never hit me that it's not 'normal'.
I can't sleep until I am ASLEEP, I may be tired but if I got to bed I'll just lay there for ages. I have to have some sort of light on, like a lamp, and some music that's not too loud, but just enough to give me comfort. I always put something in front of my door to 'block' it, even if it's just a shoe, it's more of a warning device if something happens (I can't write what scares me though because I'm getting edgy just thinking about it), I can't fall asleep facing the door or I keep opening my eyes to check, but I sometimes get nervous with my back turned. I always have to completely cover myself with the blanket with just my face showing, I feel too exposed otherwise, I can't even have my entire head out of the blanket at least.
Then of course there are the nightmares, but after 10 years it barely phases me like it used to, even if I do wake up in a panic.

This is my routine every night, I am terrified of the dark, even at 22. There was a blackout for 20 minutes last week and I was in such a panic I was nearly in tears. One of my friends called me (after paying me out a little for a few minutes on the computer), while we were talking he said he sleeps with the lights off and no music or anything, just the dark and the quiet. I can't even fathom that, I don't know the last time I slept like that.
Now thinking about that, it's made me realise that my routine seems a bit extreme, and perhaps it explains part of the reason I'm always so exhausted?

I don't know anyone else who is like me, surely there are people here who are similar?

[CadenceLyric]

I do the same thing with the blankets over my head and I get scared when my head is exposed. I also can't face any doorways or open spaces, I have to sleep facing a corner, a wall...something. I keep opening my eyes to check too...reading your post was like reading something I would have wrote...wow.

On top of that, I also have a fear of mirrors or anything reflective while it's dark. I have a reflective piece of clear vinyl covering most of my door to the hallway in my apartment...I don't know why it's there, the landlord probably did it, so I don't take it off. But it freaks me out knowing I could see my reflection if I lift my head and look in that direction. And then there go the blankets, over my head, and my heart starts pounding and I have to remind myself it's just my mind running away again.