[LittleForgetMeNot]

An old problem came back, one that I'd forgotten completely existed in the first place. For three nights in a row, I'd go to bed early, but while waiting for sleep I'd feel panicky and hyper. I'm suddenly too hot and the blankets feel like they're going to strangle me, I feel trapped, and my mind is going a mile a minute. For two nights I'd be able to calm down and fall asleep; completely forgetting about the stress I'd gone through until the next night. I remember now that these feelings aren't new. They're old. For 2-3 years I've been staying up very late so when I hit the pillow I'm out, but before all this I used to have the same thing. I'd feel hot, trapped, hyper, and it brought me to writing stories while I waited to calm down. I remember feeling this way when I was 5 years old, every time I was grounded and locked in my bedroom or my mother wouldn't answer my calls late at night.

Last night I remembered these things weren't new and for some reason, going through the memories of when I used to be like this suddenly unlocked a flood gate and all these forgotten memories of my childhood came back, along with a truck load of tears. Everything felt weird. I didn't feel like who I am today, I felt like I was an 8 year old version of myself stuck in a 15 year old's body. I felt like I had suddenly just got up out of a dream, re-entered my body and felt things that I hadn't been feeling before because this was real and the 3 years I had lived being different wasn't who I was.... but even so I knew that as soon as I'd fall asleep and wake up the next morning I'd go back to being the strange empty girl who's taken over my life, and knowing this made me cry even more.

I don't know how long I sat there crying about nothing, but it feels long enough that I have to wake up feeling as if I'd gotten barely a moment of sleep. To be honest in a way I'm barley sure it even happened and wasn't just a dream. The only hint I've got is I can still feel the dried up tears on my face..