[Sanada]

Normally i dream. Just awoke with no dreams, no dreams to drive me crazy because i cannot interparate them or i cannot undrstand. When i wake like this (in blood and pain from cuts) i ask the question, what is my dream, "Life or Darkness". I'm awake, i feel better for not dreaming. Sometimes i feel tortured by dreams, they tell me of things to come or i'm in agony cause of things gone by, memories. Terrrifiing myslf, dreams are too real so i dont know the difference of between being awake or still sleeping. I do and try to, and eventualy i understand its, o.k. The more i wake up, the more i become this programed machine of something gone by and i realise i am history. Made up of memories. The future does not exsits, only the now. I dream when i do, of things so terrible, that the idea of cutting myself is happiness, an escape, i dont know why, i dont understand i just know how to escape, i have to draw blood. Mixing self harm and sleep, just so i do sleep, just so i feel rested, because i've cut myself. I'll have to hide this, people think your sick for making someting beautiful into something very questionable. If my mind is to get relief from life in a no dream state, i ask myself the question- what is my dream - being awake, or, being in total darkness with no memories of being in darkness. I think being awake is my dream, i see the blood, i'm swollen with scar, in physical pain, i'm sleeping to be alive..