Bizarre

Pre-qualifier:

* I am not suicidal
* not consciously into self-harm
* not into violence at all and don't even watch gratuitous blood/guts/gory/scary movies
* still deeply respect and care for the other person in this dream
* cannot imagine where this stems from:

Dream: Having been in a relationship struggling with incredible ups and terrible lows for over a year, one afternoon there was a dream in which I begged the (now ex) boyfriend to mutilate me with a chainsaw. There was no argument as a precursor. There wasn't anything leading up to the violence - just me outside handing him a chainsaw and calmly, persistently begging him to cut me up in as many small pieces as possible and toss me into a nearby lake like chum. Then it was over as abruptly as it began and I woke up wondering what was THAT about!!!

After and since:

* Did not tell him anything about this dream because it is so disturbing.
* He has TBI, yet successfully copes with a very stressful job.
* He has never been violent toward me and has a gentle nature when not aggitated.
* Soon after this dream we had an argument at which point I initiated our breakup and made plans to relocate from the midwest to the west coast, mostly because the dream has stuck with me almost daily and I cannot get far enough away from it no matter how much I change my environment.
* I have not yet told my counselor about the dream because 1) I ended our reationship, and 2) VA hospitals are more likely than not to lock someone up when they tell them about something like this because they want to be on the safe side of making those types of decisions.

There. Even if no one responds I put it in writing in a public place, right? What weirdness.

Wow! I can imagine that being pretty darn disturbing! Let me start by pointing out, as I've done before ;P, that what might seem extreme and tabboo in our waking conscious is typically not at all about the literal imagery (sex is only ever about sex when the dream is a wet one, and violence is never about physical violence).

My first instinct was to respond with how cutting yourself open is a need to have someone see the inner you, the -real- you. But then you said "into little bits", and now I'm thinking "what purpose would being diced up serve symbollically?" It could be that you want him to see the different PARTS of yourself, and how they are separate from eachother. It could be that you want him to know every bit of you personally (using a chainsaw is a VERY personal attack), and I don't mean that sexually. The scattering of your bits into a lake has two distinct symbolisms for me. First is the occurence of water. Water is usually a symbol for the emotional/spiritual realm,depending on the context. Actually, usually it's either emotional or both at the same time... The othe symbolism is death (think scattering ashes). Death psychically/emotionally/spiritually is NEVER just about something ending. In the mind, as with in the universe, things happen in cycles. The death of one self allows for the resurrection of a new self - a more developed and whole self. That you required the ex to cut you into pieces, not just scatter your bits, tells me that what was keeping you from continuing the cycle was somethign regarding the relationship. And that the dream still haunts you tells me that it's still relevant in your subconscious. You haven't been able to complete the cycle and grow.

Ask yourself these questions ::
- What about the relationship with your ex was stifling to you personally?
- What about you form DURING the relationship were you not pleased with, and what of those has not changed?
- How would your ex have been helpful in overcoming these flaws, and how was he preventing that help from happening?
- How can you overcome these flaws on your own?

I think if you answered these questions, you might be on the path to resolving this lingering dream.

1. We are both co-dependent, so it's even more important for both to give and take as equally as possible. The only thing that allowed us to stay together as long as we did is we live separately and I can be very flexible when faced with extreme rigidity; probably because I've been conditioned that way throughout and since childhood. But being chronically too flexible results in losing elasticity - particularly the ability to bounce back. I lost that completely to a degree such that anxiety kicked in when I noticed he had skipped a meal which causes his blood sugar to drop and he becomes easily irritated. Or when he drank too much and I'd quietly panic as I watched him spiral into a blackout; stranded without a vehicle and knowing he had to drive us home, et cetera. Eventually I refused to drink with him anywhere and THAT became sticky because he seemed to revel in conning me into eat out (I usually don't) somewhere alcohol was available. If I said ANYthing about those things later, no matter how good a mood he may have been in he would always say, "so it's all about you!". At which point I'd try to explain obvious general concerns which instead led into unresloved arguments. Peace was only possible by shutting up and pretending we never had the discussion.

2. I incessantly caved and gave up all backbone in order to make or keep peace.

3. Self-awareness? Mindfulness? Neither of which was he interested in trying. That is odd, imo, considering he is an international journalist who reads people like a book. He is extremely detail oriented in certain things, but seems guilelessly unaware of others however conspicuous. After about a year, I began to wonder if he is a narcissistic sociopath. Honestly, he has most classic characteristics of both. I still wonder.

4. I have no idea. Standing my ground freaked him out, however subtle or unsubtle. I could be polite, then he would "mistake kindness for weakness" which he has zero tolerance for. He said he respected the fact I could stand up to him, however "enough is enough" - time to back down again and find my corner, so to speak. If I remained calm and firm, he'd say I was inflexible, a control freak and "always insisted on having everything" my way. When I tried to break off our relationship at least a half dozen times, he would immediately switch gears to Mr. Charming. If I pointed out what he was doing, then I wasn't trying hard enough to work things out and he was making all the effort. If I accepted Mr. Charming, he switched right back to being overbearing, intolerant and hypercritical and I was instant doormat again. Sometimes all of this could occur within minutes. Extremely exhausting.

Thank you for your feedback. I hadn't expected any, but your response and questions succinctly nails quite a lot and adds perspective.

So, I told him about the dream and apologized with the admission that it had caused problems he was unaware of that had negatively impacted our relationship. He seemed disturbed and perplexed, then asked if in the dream he actually did that. I said didn't know because the dream ended abruptly and he changed the topic without further pursuit. I hope we'll manage to continue at least a loose friendship.

Thanks again :.)