[growlithing]

So I’m a musician. I study music in college. I either have minimal performance anxiety or I’m really good at handling it. I love performing and to be honest, I’m pretty good at it. I feel like I perform better than I practice. Which is great.

I have nightmares frequently. They are mostly violent nightmares or related directly to trauma. Occasionally, I’ve had dreams about being late for shows before major performances in the past. As in once or twice a year. However, recently, I’ve been having nightmares like this before every performance. This has been going on for about a month which is the amount of time I’ve been playing at a music festival outside of my normal city. For some reason, my orchestra at this music festival has concerts every Monday evening which is unusual. We have Monday mornings off. I have a very uniform routine. I wake up at 8am, grab breakfast, and fall back asleep until 11am. During the time from 9am to 11am, I have a dream about being late for the performance. It is always raining outside, I’m never in the right uniform, and for whatever reason, I struggle to find the venue even though I know right where it is.

They aren’t exactly the same dream. Last week, I dreamt that I couldn’t find my instruments, I couldn’t figure out what time it was, and I kept forgetting things. Today, I dreamt that my parents (who abused me if that adds anything) had me at a hotel outside of the county where the performance is, I didn’t have a car, and I couldn’t get them to get serious about driving me. However, in all of the dreams, I am running late and I’m terrified of missing the show, it is raining like crazy and I get sopping wet, and I’m not wearing the right outfit.

So what is going on? Why all of the sudden nightmares about performing? Could it be something in my routine? Am I just nervous to play with this orchestra subconsciously? I am quite a bit younger than the other people in my section and I do have very serious parts. But I don’t feel nervous in performance… any ideas?

[Perna]

Sounds like the change in venue, the "new" arrangements (sorry, not meant as a pun :-) are giving you pause? Is this one of your first outside-school sorts of experience? You have a "regular" gig going not at school or really under school auspices, almost like you are out and working as a musician full-time. The forerunner of what you hope is to come could be getting your unconscious a workout getting ready for that "unknown" and experiences that could be more chaotic than usual and where you have to rely more on yourself to get wherever you need to be for whatever you want to be doing, etc. No teachers telling you, "show up here at 8:00, don't be late, we'll have a run-through at this time and everything will be all right".

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Perna

Sounds like the change in venue, the "new" arrangements (sorry, not meant as a pun :-) are giving you pause? Is this one of your first outside-school sorts of experience? You have a "regular" gig going not at school or really under school auspices, almost like you are out and working as a musician full-time. The forerunner of what you hope is to come could be getting your unconscious a workout getting ready for that "unknown" and experiences that could be more chaotic than usual and where you have to rely more on yourself to get wherever you need to be for whatever you want to be doing, etc. No teachers telling you, "show up here at 8:00, don't be late, we'll have a run-through at this time and everything will be all right".

No, it's not at all one of my first outside school experience. I play about an equal amount of concerts in school and out of school. I play at different festivals around the country and sometimes in Canada and Europe every summer. I did a summer where over about 5 weeks, I played probably over 20 concerts and never in the same venue twice.

The concert is also the exact same situation as at school. I don't have a teacher at school telling me when to show up and that everything will be fine. A dress rehearsal is something that happens no matter if you're a student musician or a professional and I hate them because I don't like playing stuff through before a concert. We don't even have call times at school. We are expected to have good judgment and show up at a good time, completely prepared to go. It's just like how it is here. Hell, I've done actual gigs where I get paid as a professional and I haven't had this issue.

The funny thing is that I am extremely punctual. The odds that I sleep too late and arrive to a rehearsal "late" meaning only 5 minutes early as opposed to my usual 15-20 mins early is slim. And that's just a regular rehearsal, not a performance or even a dress rehearsal.

I can't figure out why this is happening now. I am playing pretty serious parts and maybe that's it. But I have played very serious parts in the past and didn't have an issue... I guess it really doesn't matter because I nail the concerts regardless of what my subconscious is worried about. That's why I keep getting great parts ha

Pressure may yield diamonds… but when it comes to creative work, too much pressure surrounding a creative project can cloud the mind limit thought.

The key is managing the pressure placed on a creative work project. Not always an easy thing to do but ultimately the path to opening our mind to creative solutions.
Give yourself realistic goals to keep pressure at a healthy levels.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Alfred.Mayor

Pressure may yield diamonds… but when it comes to creative work, too much pressure surrounding a creative project can cloud the mind limit thought.

The key is managing the pressure placed on a creative work project. Not always an easy thing to do but ultimately the path to opening our mind to creative solutions.
Give yourself realistic goals to keep pressure at a healthy levels.

Interesting. I know I do put an intense amount of pressure on myself by setting goals up in the stratosphere. I shoot for a clean show accuracy wise wise (playing all the right notes at the right times). Since I am human, I also aim for my mistakes to be "good" mistakes as opposed to a "bad" mistake. I could go in depth about that, but the good v bad mistake spectrum can range from a preplanned intentional error of omission to a mistake that actually derails the entire ensemble.

However, the thing that perplexes me is that the pressure I'm putting on myself is the same as always and my bad dreams have nothing to do with my playing. Like I'm more nervous about showing up than actually fulfilling my extremely high goals for myself.

I think you have to identify (and this something you can do with some soul-searching) that the "pressure" you are putting on yourself is working for you. The pressure can be a motivator in achieving your goals (no matter how high) and if this pressure is getting you closer to realising your dreams, then it should be taken as positive stress.
However, if this stress is stopping you from functioning normally, then it is alarming and you should see to it. Sometimes you cannot do everything and you have to make choices because of limited resources. It is no one's fault if you are unable to achieve everything and you should not take it to heart either. All the best!

Originally Posted by growlithing

However, the thing that perplexes me is that the pressure I'm putting on myself is the same as always and my bad dreams have nothing to do with my playing. Like I'm more nervous about showing up than actually fulfilling my extremely high goals for myself.