[barefootrunner]

Hi! I'm suffering from depression, been SI'ing since before I was 12 and had panic attacks with hallucinations, but I'm currently stable. My illness has destroyed my relationship with my parents.

So. Dreams. I've been having really heavy nightmares for most of my life, usually centred around common themes and sensations.

1. It's always dark. It's that inky blackness that is almost deep violet, and it's tangible. It swirls around you when you move like diluted syrup.

2. A sensation of desperate fear, of being hunted and chased down like an animal, and becoming feral in your desire to escape. But also knowing that it's hopeless, and that you tire but your pursuers never do, that you're one and they're many. It's the knowing that it's over already, but fighting in any case, because there is no alternative.

So, set in this backdrop, here are a few of my nightmares:

Everyone you feel any emotional contact with will die violently. Your family and friends are first to go. You realise you have to get out of human company, but it's so easy to kill someone. You look up in a supermarket and make (no!) eye-contact with a woman holding a shopping basket. You want to beg, reverse the damage, but her eyes die as shots from nowhere rip through her, spattering you with blood.
You run to the wilderness, pass out from hunger and thirst, and when you wake up, you've been taken in by a community. Your caregiver starts dying from a slow disease that robs her body of nutrients. She dies by your hands and in your arms of emaciation.

You're with acquaintances in a store. Suddenly a huge man grabs you from behind, paralyses you with a drug and rapes you. Your friends continue shopping and chatting as though you're invisible.

You can fly. It's difficult; you have to strain every muscle to get airborne, and winds and your level of anxiety and fatigue work against you. You're being tracked down by a group of hunters who try to trap you. The longer you try to flee, the more tired and desperate you get until you can only hide, trying to conserve your strength for when they inevitably capture you.

So what on earth is going on? I'm being traumatised by my own dreams! I scored really high for PTSD on the Sanity Score (I even dived under a table when a celebratory cannon was fired over the town and loud noises really bother me) but I don't have a traumatic past that I can remember. So... Has anyone else got any tips for getting it to stop?

[CANDC]

Hi barefootrunner, welcome to Psych Central (PC). Congrats on your improvement in protecting your body from harm. So sorry about your parents. Any crisis is so hard for some people to deal with.

Well the PC family is here to empathize and hear your stories. We don't have all the answers but we can listen and share.

After hearing your dreams and hallucinations? I am not surprised you scored high on the PTSD quiz. Stress and trauma could come in many forms. It can take time working with a therapist trained in PTSD or abuse to uncover some of the roots. You seem like you are not fooled by these dreams but they seem to be possibly upsetting you.

These forums may be of interest
Survivors of Abuse - Forums at Psych Central

Post-traumatic Stress - Forums at Psych Central

These articles on nightmares could shine light on the situation
Psych Central - Search results for What do nightmares tell us

[barefootrunner]

Thanks, CANDC, I really appreciate the care you put into the post, and I'm really thankful for the support. Thanks for being such a kind person!