[liveforsummer]

Sorry this is so long...or doesn't make any sense...

Fell asleep around 11:30 pm and woke terrified at 1:30 am. In that 2 hour span I thought I remembered waking several times thinking I'm never going to get to sleep and mixed with dreams/nightmares. One of my "awake periods" I thought I should take my sleep meds cause I wasn't falling asleep so I knew the night would end up awful. I coulda swore I popped zoplicone and Ativan in my mouth at the same time only to taste the Ativan and spit it all out over the side of the bed because I don't usually take all 3 together and my Ativan is sublingual and I didn't just want to swallow it. Then I guess I fell asleep again-though I'm pretty sure I was asleep all along it was just so vivid it felt real. Then I dreamed several things that seemed to be one after the other and somewhat jumbled. I was at a paint store and the clerk said the total was $300 dollars and there was all this paint stuff on the counter and I had no memory of picking it out or even wanting to paint. Also at the same time someone was at a restaurant table in the corner and I heard the waiter say "sure we'll bring out the best champagne" and I said who ordered all this expensive food and drink and he said I did. In both instances I said "shes not well - referring to myself- and to take all this back, I'm not paying for it" and I was afraid I was losing my mind doing this with zero memory of my actions. Then the nightmare began. I walked into the kitchen and there was a huge reptilian tank with several hideous looking huge reptiles in there, clearly way too big for their space. I felt like I spent the next few hours screaming and crying that they had to go, hiding in closets, closing my eyes to get their image out of my head I was terrified of them and they'd get out and crawl on me. Then there was a singer I like (a real one), singing a song I like and she was singing it in an accusing nasty manner towards her daughter (this singer doesn't even have a daughter in real life). I was afraid of her. Then I woke up- for real. Confused and scared. I wanted to take my sleep meds then and they were still sitting in their little box yet I could swear Id taken them and spat them out already and I didn't trust myself and didn't want to take too many. I finally took 1 Ativan and slept probably about 4 hours. Feel like crap now of course.

Again, sorry this is so long and rambling, no response needed, I just needed to try to get this out of my head as its left me feeling really down this morning.