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autonoe
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Mad May 07, 2021 at 02:14 PM
  #1
I just moved to an entirely different part of the country, and I am struggling. Unfortunately, I just ended things with my therapist because of the move, so I can't discuss this with a professional. And I haven't had a major bout of social anxiety like this in a few years, so I thought I had moved past it, but apparently, I have not.

This is the most social place I've ever lived, and it's torture for me as an extreme introvert. Nobody here works, and people spend a lot of time hanging out in their yards or on their porches or decks. I'd like to do the same, since the weather is nice here, but I can't because people don't understand boundaries. And people definitely don't understand introverted women.

I exchanged numbers with my neighbor last week because he wanted to borrow something from me and we set up a time for him to come get it. Fine. Now, he's texting me at least once a day for oddball reasons, and I'm getting tired of it. I'm not interested in becoming friends or establishing this kind of relationship where I'm always available to them simply because I'm at home. I don't even feel obligated to be neighborly, since the other day when I went to drop off the item he wanted to borrow, they kept me there for two solid hours talking AT me. They never asked me anything about me. They just talked at me until they finally ran out of things to say.

How do you deal with people like this when you struggle to be assertive with others? I don't want to be a rude neighbor and have everyone think I'm a jerk. I'll be living here at least another year. But I need to let my neighbors know that I only gave them my number in case of emergencies or if they really need something, not so they can text me daily about this or that. I'm also not comfortable that it's the man texting me. It would be a little less uncomfortable if it were his wife, but I wouldn't care for that either.

This morning, he texted to ask me if I could come outside for a few minutes, and I just ignored it. I guess that is one way to deal with them. I seriously regret giving my number to them and I will not be giving it to any other neighbors. Just because I'm at home doesn't mean I want to come outside and talk to you for any reason, unless it's an actual emergency.

When you have social anxiety, these kinds of moments can feel like an attack. And maybe I am overreacting, but I want my home to feel like a sanctuary, and right now, I'm having to keep my blinds shut all day and stay inside because I don't want to be forced to talk to anyone or have to sit and listen. I know I need to learn to be more assertive, but it's hard in a situation like this. I have been completely thrown out of my comfort zone and it is getting harder for me by the day. I never thought I would miss my old city, but I do. Because my neighbors never talked to me unless I really needed to know something. I loved my old neighbors.

The older I get, the more aware I become that people will take advantage of you when they perceive that you're quiet or timid. They use you like a therapist who has to listen to you, because they know you won't interrupt them or, God forbid, give your own opinion and take time from them. I have countless experiences like this, and I'm just sick of being treated this way. I'm too old for it now.

I will be going back to work, I hope, pretty soon, but until then, I feel like I'm trapped in my own house. Anyone else ever dealt with a situation like this in your neighborhood or building? How do you keep your boundaries tight without seeming like a jerk or offending others? Or am I wrong to even care about that?
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Default May 08, 2021 at 10:11 AM
  #2
Dear autonoe,

Your situation seems very similar to my own so my heart goes out to you. Intrusive neighbors is something I am plagued with.

I deal with intrusive neighbors by making excuses: "Can't talk, I have a migraine." "Sorry I am sick today." For those who intrude through text messages, I generally reply with . . . "Sorry, my carpal tunnel syndrome is acting up and I have a terrible headache." Stuff like that. I find this works with the neighbors I have. I realize that this is naughty because deceitful, but I feel preserving my mental health is a priority in my life. Nature's first law is self-defense.

I can't offer advice of course since I am totally unqualified to give advice, but I do hope you find successful tactics and strategies for safeguarding your mental health. Hopefully others here will see your post and respond to it with things are that really and truly helpful to you! Sorry that I could not be helpful!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default May 08, 2021 at 06:05 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Yaowen View Post
Dear autonoe,

Your situation seems very similar to my own so my heart goes out to you. Intrusive neighbors is something I am plagued with.

I deal with intrusive neighbors by making excuses: "Can't talk, I have a migraine." "Sorry I am sick today." For those who intrude through text messages, I generally reply with . . . "Sorry, my carpal tunnel syndrome is acting up and I have a terrible headache." Stuff like that. I find this works with the neighbors I have. I realize that this is naughty because deceitful, but I feel preserving my mental health is a priority in my life. Nature's first law is self-defense.
Thank you so much, Yaowen. It is really difficult sometimes as an introverted person to stick up for yourself and your well-being while trying to keep the peace with people who may misinterpret your distance as rudeness or rejection. I have been through this my entire life, and it never changes.

Your ideas are helpful. I just need to get better at finding polite, but firm, ways to turn people down. My usual reaction is to avoid people and even hide, like I did yesterday. And then I get angry because I feel like I'm boxed into a corner. And that's on me. Being assertive is not my strong point. Thanks again for your input.
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Default May 09, 2021 at 08:51 PM
  #4
Hello Autonoe,

Sorry that you are having a challenging time in your new neighborhood. That would be bothersome to me as well. And, yes, I have experienced it many times since I move a lot and am an introvert. I have been in similar situations numerous times and taken advantage of many times over.

I learned how to change these situations with help from my Life Skills instructor. What works the best for me is to come up with a prepared script to tell people who seem to regularly intrude or take advantage.

Perhaps think about what things you would like to accomplish for the day and how might you tell your neighbors that you will be preoccupied. Even if I don't have anything planned, I will have a backup activity in mind to just become busy to get out of the situation.

For me it's studying usually.

Perhaps you have a scheduled phone call with a friend?

Working on a project?
Need to go to the store?

Maybe set an alarm on your phone before heading out and tell your neighbor, oh it's time for me to get going. Then insert your reason.

I found this good practice in saying no. Once I began doing this, life got so much easier!

Hoping you find peace in your new home soon--you deserve it!

Take care!
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Default May 10, 2021 at 03:46 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Freshly View Post
I learned how to change these situations with help from my Life Skills instructor. What works the best for me is to come up with a prepared script to tell people who seem to regularly intrude or take advantage.
Thank you, Freshly. This is helpful. Today, I decided I just need to get myself out of the house more often and have some time in nature. I got myself ready to go, and before I left, I prepped myself for how I would handle it if my neighbors were outside or on their porch. Luckily, no one was there, but I felt ready to deal with them. I did the same thing when I came home a few hours later, but again, they were not there. I think part of my problem is that people catch me off guard and I don't know how to respond or how to act. When that happens, I tend to get flustered and irritated with myself, and it never goes well. Having a prepared response or excuse is a very good idea.

My neighbor actually texted me again the other day and apologized for sending too many messages. I guess he got the hint that I wasn't okay with all of that since I never responded to his last one. I worry that things will be awkward with them going forward, but I am just going to be pleasant if I see them and try not to worry about it anymore. I really like the area where I live now, and I don't want awkward relationships with the neighbors to ruin it. I will try to keep a positive attitude about it as much as I can. I want to be a nice neighbor, but I also don't want to feel like I am obligated to socialize, or develop feelings of resentment. I don't owe anyone my time.

Last edited by autonoe; May 10, 2021 at 03:47 PM.. Reason: typo
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