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Default Aug 23, 2021 at 02:18 AM
  #1
Hi

I have Autism with SM and SA so rarely went out socially even before the pandemic.


I do see sibling and their partner. She often says things after a few too many (drinks) that kind of indicate what my sibling has told them about me!

The last time she came out with 'you're afraid of people aren't you?' I was a bit taken aback as I hadn't thought about it like that.


I know he's told her I have autism and 'don't like most people' too.. I felt she was getting the wrong impression and was annoyed with him at first but then wondered if I am giving off those signals because I feel so nervous around new people?

Having Autism too means I can't see or imagine the same scenario from someone else's viewpoint and as she's quite a recent addition to our family setup( he's only been going out with her a couple of years) I have been in peri-menopause since we met meaning I get waves of intense paranoia (usually just before a monthly is due even if it doesn't arrive fully) and often feel that other people don't like me, or all my neighbours know (I never told them I had autism when I moved here) and think I'm 'weird'

I have found myself very avoidant like I'll join a fb group cos I felt lonely but then if someone mentioned sending a private message or chatting I panic as don't feel I will be able to physically speak on demand, so left and decided to try a more anonymous forum where people type only.


I don't know if this is because I've always functioned 'behind a mask' and don't feel comfortable with anyone other than family seeing 'the real me' or just because my anxiety has increased due to wildly fluctuating hormone levels right now??


Also as I've got older I have more understanding of some of my difficulties and realised I was misdiagnosed several times through life due to being unable to explain symptoms etc properly.

This is making me feel I don't know who I am or supposed to be from other people's viewpoint and I've lost friends because (i thin) they think I was fake when it was simply that I've been able to get re-diagnosed once I had greater understanding and ability to express myself in writing to professionals.



Sometimes I want to have friends but if someone does respond privately I'm immediately scared of their intentions.


If a person is real life face to face I'm wondering what they're capable of doing to me (have a history of bullying and gaslighting and possibly have C-PTSD but never been able to talk to a therapist in person due to the Autism/SM)

Sorry if this is too long or not considered appropriate. I feel very disconnected from the rest of the world and society at the minute Afraid of people???
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Default Aug 23, 2021 at 12:05 PM
  #2
It’s not inappropriate, these are things you’re struggling with and want advice on I don’t really have any, but for what it’s worth I can relate to much of what you wrote, especially the social anxiety and bullying. There is no real “should” when it comes to who we are, and whoever we choose to be, everyone will see through their own lens anyway. We can’t meet everyone else’s expectations and it leaves us worse off when we do try to.
Maybe you do give off those ‘afraid’ signals without realising; the psychiatrist who diagnosed me said I gave off ‘go away’ type signals and I was totally unaware of that. Even my current counsellor has asked if I’m aware of how I might be coming across to other people. Truthfully, I rarely talk to people I don’t know when I’m out, so it’s not something I really think about.
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Default Aug 24, 2021 at 02:23 AM
  #3
Thanks for answering. I don't know if its the autism cos of masking or more the Selective Mutism cos I had rules like once I'd hadn't spoken in front of a person I could never speak in front of that person or in that specific situation...so I tended to behave a very specific way with specific people or in certain situations.


Sometimes that has left me feeling trapped. Peri seems a good excuse for an acceptable reason to change as so many women (even non-autistic) report feeling very different and like their whole personalities have changed.


It could be an opportunity to drop the mask and behave in a more uniform way over several scenario's and some people haven't seen me in person for so long cos of shielding I would seem like a different person to them anyway...18 months in isolation would change anyone!


Maybe this will give me more confidence?
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Default Aug 24, 2021 at 02:48 AM
  #4
Hmm, I’m thinking if you had ‘internal rules’ for social interaction it could be more to do with masking. I’ve experienced selective mutism and have heard others describe it as wanting to talk but not being able to make any noise. Masking might be a bit more of a conscious or semi-conscious action?
As for dropping the mask, it does sound like a good opportunity for you to try and gain confidence. Most people would understand feeling like a different person after menopause has started (hormone imbalances really can have a profound impact on some people), so wouldn’t really question it.
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Default Aug 24, 2021 at 02:55 AM
  #5
Hi. I haven't diagnosed with Autism but I have felt a lot of the same things that you talked about. I have PTSD and social anxiety and bad experiences with people so that is why I am more comfortable at home. Maybe you can talk to a therapist in a video call. It is more comfortable for me to do it at home than going in person. I also understand what you meant by Selective Mutism. I recently learned that it existed and I think I at least experienced this as a kid. In school people used to make a big deal if I ever smiled so I stopped smiling around them so they would not all look at me.
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Default Aug 24, 2021 at 03:25 AM
  #6
I’ve experienced people making a big deal about me smiling (or doing other things I didn’t usually do), as well. It’s really annoying and they’re effectively just punishing the behaviour they (probably) asked to see in the first place. It’s even worse if they make you uncomfortable to the point of smiling/laughing because you tried to ignore them when they asked.
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Default Aug 24, 2021 at 06:02 AM
  #7
I can't speak on phone or in video call too much pressure of expectation of other person waiting for you to speak.


Even with family I use only SMS or iMessage etc.Have never spoken on a phone in my life.


Other than my dog I speak only to a few people.

In these days of social media where everyone gossips to everyone else it seems harder to keep those people seperate so one doesn't know that you do or don't talk to another!

yes making a big deal of things makes it worse. when I had an neuro attack and couldn't walk because there was so much focus on people watching me I developed a phobia of walking in front of people so couldn't.


and yes I'm one of those for who the mood swings have been severe during peri and it's giving me a seriously hard time.
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Default Oct 13, 2021 at 12:56 AM
  #8
Yes can relate since when I meet new people I am very nervous. Eating in front of others I don’t know can feel strange since when I used to first eat in front people didn’t know well my hand would almost shake and it made it so almost didn’t want to eat at all. In school I was very quiet and would talk to a few close friends, but disliked speaking up in classes. Then moved around often and was new often, and dealt with mean girls when a teenager. Now I do ok if in a small group, but still very quiet, and if in a meeting usually do not want to speak up at all.
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Default Dec 21, 2021 at 07:10 AM
  #9
yeah as soon as I feel something becomes a demand I can't do it even if I want to.


I really enjoyed lockdown because no-one could demand I socialised with them and cos I could use the excuse of being in shielded group to avoid all pressure.


Found it hard in summer when rules were relaxed, just avoided answering any texts to meet, or told t them vaccine didn't work for me. It really is a very deep rooted fear or compulsion to avoid anything I feel will result in me having to go back to 'wearing a mask' again on a regular basis. I've found socialising (face-to-face) so exhausting and just seem to have stopped enjoying it.


Looking forward to xmas day to seeing family but I know they've got me a switch OLED and several bottles of my favourite drink so all set for the next lockown!


Though someone sending me a card who I had forgotten about triggered angry feelings cos as usual .... it was how are you? disguising the fact what they really wanted to know was when I was gonna agree to meetup with them...my brain immediately saw this as a 'demand' and triggers anger and resentment because they've rudely burst my lovely bubble of isolation plans for the rest of winter after xmas day.



The part that hates demands wanted to ignore it, pretend I didn't get it, let them think I'd died of covid etc. The part that knows the minimum engagement we have to comply with to be left alone is saying ..'you have to answer, cos if she goes to family to find out whether we're in hospital with covid or something it will cause even more trouble then they'll watch us more'

so l literally had to force myself to send one back, with the little voice in my head saying 'you missed the word 'love' off, they included it...and me feeling I was forcing my hand to write the word 'love' in front of 'from'! ..with enough excuses to give me another couple of months peace before spring!


And I know it sounds awful, but I was just getting so I felt I could 'be myself' and enjoy doing things as me without the 'social mask of conformity'

My relationship with my sibling has really improved and I've enjoyed visiting them through the pandemic as there's been no social expectation to have to go out (like to a pub/restaurant) just have relaxing BBQ in their garden or something.


I'm beginning to wonder if I actually have Pathological Demand Avoidance (now recognised as a sub type of Autism) because I fit the symptoms and my childhood behaviour fit the symptoms they listed for PDA kids..particularly the masking/role-play and fantasy used as a coping strategy to be able to meet daily demands and the intense anxiety around 'going out' and demands from having friends etc. ..and that the hormonal disruption from going through menopause combined with the intense isolation from shielding through the pandemic has intensified all the things I had once got an handle on previously?


so it's not that just that I'm afraid of people but that I struggle to cope with the 'demands' they place on me?
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Default May 27, 2022 at 04:19 AM
  #10
I am afraid of people too. I am scizoaffective bipolar type. And have PTSD. I have had so many nights of having nightmares with scary people in my dreams. And I have had hurts so I do not trust. Good luck!
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