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cinnamonsun
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Default Oct 13, 2021 at 11:01 AM
  #1
Without going too in-depth as to why I am in a shell in the first place, it had to do with surviving a violent, volatile, aggressive environment. I found that if I was silent and didn't speak, or let myself be provoked by a family member I had to live with, they would leave me alone. Instead of verbally abuse me, because I would have no reaction whatsoever. And they would get bored with tormenting me. My home for a long time was an absolute warzone, while I was trying to focus on healing and recovering from a disease that almost took my life.

Hermit mode was effective for surviving this but, it's...it's not so effective in other ways. This situation in my life is now over, I survived, and I'm having a hard time getting out of my safety shell of protection. I am so used to having isolation tendencies to protect myself, to acting like a mute, I'm having a hard to reconnecting with others and just...being comfortable being openly myself. I've always had social anxiety to some degree as well. Last year I also went through traumatic bullying experiences online. I have a very hard time trusting people.

But I also want to expand socially and make friends. I don't expect anyone here to have a magic cure-all. But maybe some advice on how to let the walls down? I'm working with affirmations about being safe.
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Yaowen
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Default Oct 14, 2021 at 04:38 PM
  #2
I am in a situation very similar to the one you describe. Sadly I haven't found any solutions although I am doing trial and error experiments suggested by famous cognitive behavioral psychologists.

CBT has helped me enormously, I can't overstate how much it has helped.

Ironically, face to face psychotherapy with CBT practitioners didn't help me. I was most helped by reading books by famous cognitive psychologists.

Some were self-help books. Some were books written by CBT therapists as handbooks for other CBT therapists.

One thing that helps me is having a mission in life.

My mission is trying to help people who suffer from depression. This goal focuses my energies. It is sort my overriding ultimate concern.

I've read many books about Holocaust rescuers. I was surprised to fine that these people had far from ideal lives. Often they failed in their careers and relationships. Often they were misunderstood and mistreated by others. Many had bad habits.

But none of them are really known by these things. They are known and appreciated as living heroic lives because they tried to help people and actually did help people.

I think part of having a mission in life is being able to be patient with oneself, letting lower priority things not bring one down when they are not successful.

I have certainly had my share of failures in life at the career level . . . at the personal level. But I try to plug along and be helpful to others. This gives me a reason to get up in the morning.

One thing I have learned is that there are problems and there are PROBLEMS. There are failures and there are FAILURES.

For example, a couple of men in the last 100 years caused the destruction of tens of millions of men, women and children through campaigns of genocide and forced starvation. I am thinking of people like Hiter and Stalin.

It is common when one is having a problem or even failing at something to feel pretty bad. But I think having perspective is helpful. Is one's problem or lack of success causing the destruction of tens of millions of people? Of millions of people? Of hundreds of thousands of people? Of tens of thousands of people? Of thousands of people? No.

Sometimes when he are feeling badly we can lose perspective and feel a sense of regret or shame or guilt or anxiety that is not in proportion to what is really happening in our lives.

A young student once told me that she was "a complete failure" and a "waste of oxygen." When I asked her why she told me that it was because she did not get straight A's on her report card.

Clearly her breadth and depth of guilt and sorrow were excessive. Maybe failing to get all A's in school is not a good thing, but it not like causing genocide.

I knew a man who had a really rough life. People did him wrong. And he often wronged himself. But he a little purpose. Each day he would feed birds or leave bread by an ant hill.

Most of us walk around oblivious to creatures like ants. We walk carelessly and snuff out their little lives. Here is a man who shows love to the little ants. It is a beautiful thing.

He has himself a mission. And it seems to really help him with all the problems that assail and burden him. And it engenders some bit of goodness in the world.

I don't know if this kind of thing would be helpful to others, but it helps me.

You sound like a wonderful person and I hope you find something that helps you! So sorry I do not really know how to be helpful in this.

Maybe other members here with more wisdom and experience will share their ideas with you. I hope so! Thank you for your post!
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cinnamonsun
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Default Oct 15, 2021 at 01:51 PM
  #3
Actually, Yaowen, this is exactly what I needed to hear.

I actually had family who were victims of the Holocaust. I met some of the survivors when I was much younger, and I consider that one of the honors in my life that I had.

I've really been digging to find my purpose and passion in life. I think I figured it out. I've always been a writer. I was writing short stories in 4th grade, by the time I was in middle school, I was working on novellas and novels. I have been writing most of my life. When I was an undergrad, I had 3 poems published in a poetry journal. And I also had a scholarly journal publication through the university. Writing helps keep me sane. I have been working on a poetry book since I was diagnosed with Grave's Disease at the end of 2019. I have some novels I am working on too.

But...it's more than just writing. What I want more than anything is to make a positive contribution and a difference in the world. In the hobby I left, I was doing that. I had people tell me how my scavenger hunt I hosted online helped them cope through lockdown and depression, helped them make new friends. And it made a difference in their lives. I had other people tell me my posts on the platform were how they coped through the week, and sometimes, the reason they chose to keep fighting and not give up. For a while, my whole life mission was on this website helping people. But I sadly went through traumas with people on there and for the sake of my own mental health, had to leave. I experienced severe burnout. Because I gave too much in my efforts to help others.

Now my purpose is gone and I'm feeling a little lost right now, as I search for a new community with people who have a better vibe and healthier mindset. The atmosphere of that website is toxic. Plus, I owe to myself to prioritize myself for a little while.

But anyway, no, my failures are not at the level you are pointing out and that is certainly comforting. I need to get my life back together, it would help if I could actually feel better physically. I've been working on my intentions and what I want to do with my life. How to honor my gifts, talents, and intelligence, instead of taking jobs that don't use them, and I get put on the sideline and never advance. We do all come here for a special purpose. If only I could get that breakthrough I need.

In the meantime, I'm here to spread love and light and show others paths to healing. I'm also finally learning how to love myself and take care of my own emotional needs.
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