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4625
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Default Dec 23, 2022 at 07:13 AM
  #1
Hi!

First post here. Please let me know if I picked the wrong subforum for this.

I am here on this forum to (hopefully) reveal parts lf me that I'm ashamed of or (usually) just afraid that others might shame me for.

Little bit of background: I usually only say what I feel or think when I'm sure that any listeners will accept my opinion. If confronted I usually I make up some lie or take back what I said before I have any chance to think twice. Furthermore, I usually avoid all subjects that might be have some emotional tension, even with my therapist. The therapist insists that she will not react strongly but I still haven't managed to bring up subjects like sex or show any strong feelings after more than a year. I could go on, but you get the picture.

So here I am. New forum where no one knows me. Over the next month I am going to try to say at least some of the (for me) uncomfortable things I hide from others.

/J (not really my intial letter )
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Skeezyks
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Smile Dec 23, 2022 at 01:50 PM
  #2
Thanks for "cracking open the door", so to speak, even if just a wee bit so far. (Big trees from little acorns grow.) I can certainly relate to a lot of what you wrote. I am, and have always been a very private, secretive person. And I also carry around a lot of guilt and shame. But I don't talk about it with anyone in real life. (I don't even talk about a lot of it here on the forums.)

Over the years I've become a pretty solitary person. I like to refer to myself as an "urban hermit". So I rarely have occasion to talk to anyone about anything of consequence. Anyway, I hope you do find the courage to unburden yourself here of some of the things you hide from others in real life. I'll look forward to reading your posts. Best wishes...

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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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4625
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Default Dec 25, 2022 at 06:59 AM
  #3
Thank you for your reply!

When I logged in and saw that there was a reply, it became alot more real. It felt like such a good plan when I was thinking about sharing. Now I find myself looking for the most innocent piece of information about me so I can share something while still being safe from criticism.

Although my current life is not solitary, there is a distance in all my relationships. Even the therapy sessions have something businesslike over them. I guess it just feels safer that way.
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Default Dec 25, 2022 at 07:26 AM
  #4
I think I can relate. I grew up in an environment where I felt I had to keep things to myself in order to have peace in my life. It made me feel safe and helped avoid conflict or being judged. It was easier to hide my personality than to risk it open for all to criticize.

Welcome to the forums!
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Default Dec 25, 2022 at 09:15 AM
  #5
Thank you for your reply!

That's how my childhood was too though I didn't realise it at the time.
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Default Dec 25, 2022 at 09:17 AM
  #6
I guess it's best to just jump in then. Not sure how to put these confessions, but here we go. I'm going to start with the topic of sex. I almost never talk about it with anyone, including my wife, which I find sad.

Truth is, I think about sex quite a bit. I want to be a sex positive person but that is sadly not reflected in my sex life.

I regularly (and secretly, obviously) watch porn. Sometimes I enjoy it but just as often I use it as an anti-depressant, which leaves me feeling filthy. I've tried to stop many times but I've given up on that until I can honestly say that my life is fine as is.

Although I don't act on my feelings, I often feel sexually attracted to women other than my wife and I sometimes feel regret about not having met more women and jealous of those have lived that life. I would like to try an adventorous lifestyle with my wife, such as swinging, but I'm nowhere near able to do that emotionally.

During sex I often worry about being a poor lover. I usually have to banish insecurity about my size, stamina, and general attractiveness. I also worry about being percieved a selfish and sex fixated creep, so I hide much of my interest and passion. I know that this makes my wife feel less desired but I just can't help it.

This was alot more than I had intended, much more than I've admitted to anyone in real life. Once I started it felt easier to just keep going than picking up the courage again and again later on. To be honest, I feel relieved of having covered alot of the things that I'm ashamed of with regards to sex. I'm sure, however, that my heart will be racing when I log in next time and that I will by then regret every word for a few moments.
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4625
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Default Jan 01, 2023 at 07:49 AM
  #7
The following entry is about being a person that people don't really like. About being unwanted. Now, it is not a fair description of me or my life, but this belief is like a shadow inside that I carry with me everywhere. I've been my denying and hiding this my entire adult life - fighting to prevent it from becoming true. I'm so scared that others will see "who I really am" despite my efforts to hide it. Hopefully, I can move on a little if I stop.

So, basically, I believe that I am one of those who don't get it. The loser, the (too) nice guy, the square, or just simply a low status person. You see, I'm that guy women don't want to be with and that "friends" have to "tolerate". When I am asking someone to be with me, I am intruding.

On the inside it feels like I have a defect that I must hide it so others don't find out, because when others see my true loser self, they will turn their backs on me. Those who do not, stay for other reasons, such as lack of alternatives or morals. Not because they want to be with me.

It was actually alot harder than I thought to capture the identity I'm so ashamed. Somehow, my words feel so empty when I'm trying to reveal things. Either way, this have to be it for today.
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Default Jan 04, 2023 at 04:53 AM
  #8
Okay, here is one more.

I go to quite some lengths to avoid being present in the moment. I start new demanding projects (such as this), scan for new crisis, keep up a porn addiction, make up grand plans for the future (about anything really, e.g. vacations, friendships, fitness, careers etc), overeat, binge netflix, etc - while also wishing I had more time to relax. Why? Because I can't stand just doing nothing. It is so uncomfortable. I feel low, my mind feels numb, jumpy. I just want something exciting to take my mind of it.
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4625
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Default Jan 08, 2023 at 01:36 PM
  #9
I want to say that I can admit to myself that I'm not perfect but in reality, when I am actually seeing my flaws, I often shame myself. In my first posts, I disclosed things I find shameful, but still mostly others fault or at least not fault. Like being rejected, where things I have done might be a big part in why, but without any intention to be rejected. Also, my contribution to it has often been stuff that I've tried to work on, such as being to shy to be fun at parties.

While I am still stuck at upsets from my teens and early twenties, lingering on past rejections and critiscism, there is another story to be told. One where I am antagonist. I have plenty of uncharismatic habits and a history of misteps that I rather forget.

Truth is I think too much about myself, and too little of others - until they best me and then I instead put them on a pedistal. I don't care very much about others' thoughts, feelings, or plans - I mostly wait for my turn to speak, judge them, or think about how it concerns me. I'm often not interested in stepping out of my (ego-centric) narrative. I'm easiliy offended and slow to forgive. In fact, I often do not forgive if I don't get a chance to say my story and have it acknowledged by the other party.

In short, I can be very immature. Not exactly a hero that was simply given a tough deal.
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Default Jan 28, 2023 at 04:29 PM
  #10
Go for it! And i hope it works out and helps you in the ways you desire
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