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AzulOscuro
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Default Jul 18, 2023 at 10:52 AM
  #1
No matters how much you try, how many therapies you went through, how much you do to adapt yourself and pretend to be just another one, you will be always different. People will know you are different and they will remember how you always were like, they will always treat you as different.
No way out.

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Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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Default Jul 18, 2023 at 03:45 PM
  #2
I can see your point.

Reality is a million times richer than any map or model of it. And maps and models can be words, sentences, paragraphs, articles, books, photographs, videos, graphs and so on. All of these are "simplifications" of things of enormous depth and complexity.

Although we share common characteristics, we are all different from each other. The nitrogen, carbon, oxygen atoms that make up who I am are different than the ones that are in you.

The combination of when, where and how I was born is different than everyone else. All the things my parents said and did to me are different than all the things your parents said and did to you.

Your genetic inheritance is not identical with mine. No one has experienced the exact same life experiences with the exact same brain as you have.

We map reality to survive. I can't put a real tree inside the confines of my brain. I can put things I have seen and experienced and imagined about a particular tree into my memory. Am I a botanist looking at a tree? Am I Picasso looking at a tree or Monet or a Chinese artist who lived 1000 years ago. Am I looking at a tree as someone who has been paid to prune it or cut it down. Am I child looking at a tree. And so on.

Leaving aside photography and videography, what if I could memorize the words of every book on trees ever written and stored in libraries. That knowledge as valuable as it might be is not a tree. It is a huge collection of map-like things. Do these maps sprout leaves or drip sap?

Thinking of human beings. In the order of magnitude, human beings are smaller than many things in the universe. But a human being is one of the most complex beings we know of, complex at so many different levels.

When a person reacts to you, are they reacting to the whole and total you, or some small fraction, some small map or model that they have formed of you?

And is not their model of you what is going around in their thinking and feelings? If we cannot even know ourselves completely, how little do others really know us.

When someone accepts or rejects us are they really accepting or rejecting us or are they reacting to the models they have of us in their minds?

Pour a liquid in a round container and it will be round. Pour a liquid in a square container and it will be square. Something similar happens in human interaction.

We see each other through a kind of lens. But that lens is partly formed and deformed by our needs, wants, prejudices, knowledge and ignorance and so on.

If I don't like apples does that say more about apples or more about me?

We are different and we are meant to be different. That is my own fallible opinion.
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Default Jul 19, 2023 at 04:58 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
No matters how much you try, how many therapies you went through, how much you do to adapt yourself and pretend to be just another one, you will be always different. People will know you are different and they will remember how you always were like, they will always treat you as different.
No way out.
What an awesome post, and thank you for sharing. You know I think trying to change and fit in to other's expectations can be a mine field, and can we even be sure what others expectations really are. I would like to share my approach, if I can have a little of your time.

I think a much healthier approach is to be aligned to our authentic self. Our authentic self is being true to ourselves, not living to conform to others expectations, but living and striving to reach expectations of our own. Really healthy values are learning to understand others, striving for compassion (and that can start with being compassionate to ourselves-stop beating ourselves up for past failings, but instead understand the whys things happened the way they did and learn from them so they are less likely to happen next time). When we focus on the well-being of others etc. our own troubles take more of a back seat. Now that doesn't mean being a door mat, and upholding healthy boundaries are key to both our physical well-being and also our mental well-being. It's doing what we can, when we can, and that doesn't mean sacrifice, or doing anything that could be detrimental to our well-being, it's just working comfortably within our parameters and capabilities and shouldn't require over-thinking, but just become part and parcel of who we are. Simple little things can be a huge difference to others, and positivity generally breeds more of the same.

Other healthy approaches to life are respect oneself, respect others and expect the same in return. This approach is deeply entrenched in the etiquette in Martial Arts, it's one of the things people learn that is never really spoken. It is the bowing to one another (and as one bows they keep their eyes on the person they are bowing to), or in the case of MMA/Boxing it's the bumping of fists. Either way it's the giving of respect and expecting the same in return, and respect always starts with oneself.

You mentioned people not forgetting. This is a mis-conception. How many people have you encountered and forgotten almost immediately. In the case of experiencing negative situations/people, the memory might live on inside us, but they will have moved on from that almost immediately. The off-set to that is when as people we see each other daily in situations beyond our control like school, or work places. In the case of toxic people, toxic environments etc. beyond our control it's important to off-load that toxicity to someone who listens without placing expectations back on our shoulders, or critical of us, but instead those who listen, understand, re-assure and nurture healthy strategies etc. together with instilling self-belief in us. I could go on, but there is quite a lot of information here already, and I don't want to over-load etc. I hope this has been of use to you. What I would say is stop trying to conform to others expectations, because it's something no-one will ever achieve (human nature is there will always be someone critical doing their best to keep someone beneath them). You don't need their acceptance and/or validation, you are more than enough as who you are. Self respect and self-belief are key. Learn where your strengths lie and play to them while working on your weaknesses. Sending much love and respect to you.
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Default Jul 19, 2023 at 06:33 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
No matters how much you try, how many therapies you went through, how much you do to adapt yourself and pretend to be just another one, you will be always different. People will know you are different and they will remember how you always were like, they will always treat you as different.
No way out.
There is only one you - you are unique, we all are. No one else can think, feel, observe or behave in quite the same way.

Iím thankful always for Azuloscuro and her perspectives on here.
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Default Jul 21, 2023 at 08:49 AM
  #5
Million of thank you guys.
Iím thinking about all your replies. I need to process them.

Yaowen, our philosopher. 😀 Your post even made me write on my journal.

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Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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Default Jul 22, 2023 at 07:53 AM
  #6
Thank you again all of you for your comments. Itís nice to have people who take the time to do this, spending a time to support another person.

Maybe itís me and my expectations towards others.
Maybe, John, youíre right and Iím not enough compassionate to others because I expect something different.
Actually, at this moment, Iím pretty well being myself. I ran a long way in this sense.
Itís people the one who disappoint me. And this is when I stop being myself with them. More than that. I run away from them. I isolate myself.
What else can I do? Iím not a person of living lies or hypocrisies .
What can I do when my attachment figures, my mum and dad only showed me disdain.

Thereís something I learnt very soon. My feelings, my opinions donít count. We call it in Spanish ď being a nought in the leftĒ.
Maybe it was only a feeling. I have no proof other than their attitude.
If I donít count for the two most important people in my life, the ones who created me, what I can expect from others. What treat I can expect from others.

I always had hope. Therapies were going to make me stronger and wiser to face the day.
They were necessary at a point in time to overcome my fears and let me function at a certain level, of course. Iím very thankful to all the professionals who helped me and worked with me. Without them, I wouldnít be able to do and achieve many accomplishments and overcome many tough situations.
But, this world is hostile. It lacks of emotions, respect, empathy. Itís cold and indifferent and this fact sometimes makes the most of myself.

What can I do to live with this disappointment and still be happy? I donít know how to do it other than the long-time friend, isolation. But, I donít want to run away. Not this time.
Am I asking too much from people? Is it that? Am I stuck with some people who are not the best for me and I should have to look somewhere else?
It will be more a thing of me than othersí thing.
Itís my guilt but I still donít feel understood.
Actually, I only ask from people the same treat I give to them. This is the truth. Only that.

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Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance.

Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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Default Jul 22, 2023 at 08:01 AM
  #7
Iím not an intense person. I respect other people boundaries. Iím friendly, polite and very honest with my feelings. What I mean is that Iím not a person who absorb other peopleís time and Iím very respectful and compassionate.
I do for them whatever they need. Iím a person who is able to keep a secret. Maybe Iím not fun but Iím funny enough to talk and chat about many things. But, I barely receive an invitation from these people, who are basically my relatives. My close relatives. I donít understand it.
I rarely receive a: How are you going?
Itís hard. They always knew about my problems. What about a ďhow do you feel?Ē. Itís always me the one who have to take the initiative and itís not easy for me. I learnt too soon that my opinion didnít count and another thing I learnt is ďdonít botherĒ.

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Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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Default Jul 22, 2023 at 08:08 AM
  #8
Lol! Iím crying while writing these posts
Thanks I have my chops thief and my Caribbean princess. 😀
Attached Images
File Type: jpeg EDC8E4BC-9BC8-4173-9270-4BBC92B07468.jpeg (176.9 KB, 2 views)

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Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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Default Jul 23, 2023 at 09:10 AM
  #9
I'm thankful for you Azul, and your perspectives, and those of the others here. Family can be absolutely brutal, mine is I think others who have replied have expressed things very well. Social anxiety does not make anyone a ''lesser'' person. Everyone is unique. If relatives are ''disappointed'' in us, that reflects on them. I wonder if your family might be Narcissists, mine are. It's impossible to please them, impossible to feel loved, impossible to be ''deserving'' of any of their time or interest (particularly the Father..)(and of course the step maternal unit )

I think you mentioned the world and its indifference, its lack of empathy.... I feel the same. That began for both of us I think, very early on.

I don't want to be ''normal'' any more. They always wanted me to be ''normal''.... Like them (yeah right, they are NOT ''normal'') but I was/am the ''different'' one in the family....(in papa bear's family also)

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Default Jul 23, 2023 at 10:23 AM
  #10
I was looking through some old PMs and I found this. I thought of you Azul and others here whose families (of origin) are not loving.


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Default Jul 23, 2023 at 04:12 PM
  #11
Hello, Fuzzy! 😀

Nah, they are not narcissists. It takes too much to be a person with this disorder. I mean, too bad for people around.
They are distant, indifferent and little self-centered. Thatís all. I guess like most of people. What happens is that my mental issues maybe made me more sensitive and different. Thatís how I see myself, a little different.
Iím the older sibling and from the very beginning I wasnít treat the same. I was about to be giving away, adopted by my godfather. 🙄
Eleven months later, my brother came. A present for my parents. I always notices differences. To be honest. It said kids are aware of these kinds of things
soon.

I get along well with my brother but Iíve been having problems with my mother. A person I donít know anymore. All turned worst when my father passes away. I donít know this woman anymore. I swear you. Only people who exists for her now is her partner, her friends and her partnerís relatives. She nearly forgot her granddaughters. And I told her it face to face. Itís not the first time I say that to her but she didnít change as she said. So I cut her off for good. Iím clear as that.

Yesterday, my sister sent to me a message because I didnít tell anyone what happened to me with my mum and how I confronted her.

Her words ( more or less, Iím translating):
Can I know what happened to you this time with mum? What did you do to mum for her to be so upset again?

My only replied was: Did you notice the way and what you implies with your question, the way you asked?
Read it because this is the very way I donít allow to anybody address to me. Noone.

And thatís all. She didnít reply and Iím not gonna say a single word either.
Anyway, if I have a problem with someone, I donít like to introduce a third person.
My mum did it all the time. Even talking bad about us in our backs. I canít cope with these kind of things. Loyalty and respect are very important for me.
Itís worthy to know that my mum always is different with her, in relation to how she is with my brother and me.

Said that, today morning I got up with a song in my mind. Itís a Spanish song and it says more or less the following:

Dear sadness, Iíve fallen in love with you
in your company Iím not alone anymore. 😀

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Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance.

Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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