[broken_hearted]

I am new to this site and I want to thank you or taking time to read my post.

I came from an extremely abusive childhood. It lasted for many years. In my teen years and into my adult years I was abused by men I knew/dated and men I never knew (I hope you know what I mean). I've been married 3 times and divorced twice. My current husband was very abusive in every way possible. He has stopped a lot of it but not all of it. He had a 3 month affair and I found out about it when she showed up at my door. Needless to say we set him up for a show down you wouldn't believe and he did deserve. I have had so much hurt from me in so many ways that I am afraid I can't recover. I feel like I wasn't enough for him.... I wasn't good enough..... I wasn't pretty enough. He is an alcoholic and at the time he had the affair he was using. Now he is no longer using but he is a "dry drunk". He blames the affair on his drinking but in my eyes he still knew what was right and wrong. He did after all kept it going for 3 months. I know alcohol if we drink enough does have an affect on our behavior. Not 3 months though. I still hurt from what he did and it has been 4 yrs ago. I remember it as if it was yesterday. I've tried talking to him about it now and then. Sometimes he listens and seems sorry for what he did and other times he is hateful and gets mad. We are in couples counseling and our T set me up with a T of my own to see while we are doing couples counseling. He said she will help me work through the feelings I am left with and the hurt, anger and feeling I will never be good enough. I see women on TV (Victoria Secrets Models, women on commericals or in movies/TV show) and I can never measure up to them. I will never be good enough. With all the cosmetic surgeries now days and I am now 53, I will never be able to measure up or be good enough. If he did this once (that I know of) how do I know he won't again? How can I ever look in the mirror and see what others see. I am told by many that I look in my 30's. I hear them but I don't see what they see. I see fat, sagging, wrinkles, etc..... I feel in my 30's inside but those who say I look it I know are being kind because I look in the mirror and am so ashamed. I have been shopping and walk past a mirror or see my reflection in the window and literally become frozen and embarrassed for anyone to see me. I regress back in therapy (been in for many years) and I leave. I leave or I will buy something right there to hide myself and go in their dressing room or bathroom to change so I can feel safe that no one can see me.

I sound crazy I know but I'm not. I want so much to feel good about myself but I don't know how. I've tried the exercises of writing notes and putting them around to see and all the self talk but nothing works. My husband likes to go swimming or in the hot tub and I go into a panic attack with even the thought of putting a bathing suit on. I am crying inside all the time.

Can anyone help me?

broken hearted

[Crew]

Frist of all allow a hug from me ((((((( broken_hearted )))))))

I'm Crew and extremely nice to meet you !

One way to get your self esteem back is to "Forgive yourself" and maybe looking for a battered woman's shelter for they offer alot more help then a place to rest your battered soul and body. Realizing that NO ONE has the right to lay a hand on you unless you permit it, NO ONE EVER. It's time to take your life back, you don't need a man or a woman that chooses to beat on you.

Learning to rely on you is so very important.

You are so in my thoughts and oh, to PsychCentral!

Crew