Ken Page has a blog at Psychology Today entitled, Finding Love A new map of the path to intimacy. Page tells us:

Everyone's heard this self-help platitude: We need to love ourselves before we can love anyone else. This may sound wise, but it misses a great truth; if we want to experience true intimacy, we need to be taught to love aspects of ourselves--again and again--by the people around us.

As much as we want to control our own destiny, the humbling truth is that sometimes the only way to learn self-love is by being loved-precisely in the places where we feel most unsure and most tender. When that happens, we feel freedom and relief-and permission to love in a deeper way. No amount of positive self-talk can replicate this experience. It is a gift of intimacy, not of will-power.

Yet if our vulnerability is met with derision or disinterest, something tender shrivels and retracts within us, and we may think twice about ever sharing that part again. In my favorite Chipmunks episode, Simon falls head over heels in love, but has no idea how to win the (chip)girl's heart. Dave exhorts him, "Just be yourself." In response, Simon wails, "I tried that already!" When our authentic self doesn't work in the world, we create a false self which lets us feel safe and accepted--but at significant cost. The great psychoanalytic theorist Donald Winnicot said, "Only the true self can be creative and only the true self can feel real." I would add that only the true self can bear the risk of deep intimacy. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...yourself-first

Page explains the premise for this concept and concludes:

This shame around our most vulnerable attributes is almost universal. And even our best thinking will barely budge it.

So, how do we free ourselves from the thrall of learned shame and fear around our gifts? The best--sometimes the only--way out is through relationships; relationships which instruct us in the worth of our most vulnerable self.

Of the people you know, who sees and relishes your true self? Who isn't too afraid of your passion, or too envious of your gifts? Who has the generosity of spirit to encourage you toward greater self-expression? These people are gold. Practice leaning on them more, and giving more back to them. They are, quite simply, the way out. They are what I call relationships of inspiration, and we usually need to build these relationships into in our non-romantic lives before we find them in our romantic partners. When you date someone like this, recognize what progress you've made to let them in, and celebrate that. In future posts, I will describe the path to building more of these relationships into our lives.

The concept is interesting but scary. It requires an interaction with others -- people that know us fairly well. For those who isolate, there is much to do before we are able to experience the benefits Page speaks of.

Maybe this kind of challenge is just what we need?

[Gus1234U]

it would seem there is a great truth being laid out here, regarding the nature of our human nature, we are social beings, and the brain must have input to function properly... i'm not sure that examples of acceptance must come from those who know us well, but that is certainly not an impediment.... thanks for posting this most thought provoking article, Byz,,,

[Marla500]

that's really powerful. I am really bad about isolating myself and it's especially bad when done consistently over time, as lots of us know I'm sure. I have been working on facing this and it is going to take lots more work....

Thank you Byzantine for this encouragement and challenge

[unaluna]

Gotta love a guy who refers to The Chipmunks and DW Winnicott in the same piece!

[Onward2wards]

I have long thought that there are forms of necessary validation that can't come from self-validation alone - we need both. We are social creatures after all.

[Dazzle]

so basically youve got to take the risk. That is so hard when youve been hurt in the past. I recently opened up to someone and i felt really good about it at first. I did feel free. Now i am hoping i didnt make a huge mistake. I guess i will find out in time.

[Light123]

Lovely and helpful post...thank you.

So true when you said "these people are gold."

It's been my experience that its not always easy to find a true, genuine and caring friend or life partner. One who has enough self esteem and confidence in their own right to be good about fully encouraging you and your growth.

If and when this person is found, it seems only right, natural and wise to be good back to them, because as was said "these people are gold!!!"

[Spiritual1971]

Originally Posted by Dazzle

so basically youve got to take the risk. That is so hard when youve been hurt in the past. I recently opened up to someone and i felt really good about it at first. I did feel free. Now i am hoping i didnt make a huge mistake. I guess i will find out in time.

Ditto in everything you posted