Struggling with self-esteem at work

I don't know where to put this, but because I'm so hard on myself, I figure this area is as good as any. I am viciously hard on myself at work (I am a pharmacy technician working in a mental health central fill). I went to a high school where normally good grades elsewhere put you in the idiots department there. I believe in the axiom "you need to start perfect and get better." Today in particular was awful. I found out I shipped meds to the wrong clinic because I chose to be stupid and not double check that I had the right address. No matter if it's a honest mistake, it's beyond intolerable and I'm damn lucky I didn't get fired.

Plus since we are so overwhelmed with orders, we've been behind getting patients their meds out. That means lots of calls and looking for scripts, taking lots of time. Clinic nurses get pissed at me and rightfully so. They shouldn't care that I've only been there for two months, all that matters is that they don't have meds for their patients because I'm a cretin and can't get them their answers instantly. It's grinding on me big time. ONE mistake in most fields is a million too many, here it's a trillion too many. All errors are avoidable, I just need to learn to be more perfect and do it faster.

Sorry for the rant, I'm just struggling mightily. I feel like I am PERSONALLY responsible for depriving these patients of likely essential medicines (I've had more than one nurse hold me PERSONALLY accountable for screwing patients over).

ak482,

All jobs have stress ~ some more than others. I think pharmacy tech's are up pretty high on the stressful careers listing.

Are you seeing a T, to help you work through your perfectionism?

I'm a perfectionist as well, so I can understand where you're coming from. But, you need to give yourself a bit of a break! Whenever you feel those self-kicking thoughts come up, tell yourself to knock it off. Point out the positive things that you have accomplished. I know, you'll immediately kick it down ~ but tell yourself to knock it off again. You don't expect perfectionism from everyone else in the world do you? I assume not ~ so give yourself a break.

Yes, we're going to make mistakes. That's inevitable. We're human beings after all. Write those mistakes off as learning experiences. Reminders that you need to double-check things for accuracy. Maybe you need to change to a less-busy pharmacy, one that keeps well-staffed. Try to be realistic, rather than idealistic.

Sounds like you need to be able to "relax" enough to stay focused. The volumes of meds can be overwhelming....you are not alone, nor is anyone perfect. Calling yourself names will not help your view of yourself or your situation....EVERYONE makes mistakes, we just try to learn from and not repeat them, ----take a deep breath and step back.

Please don't be so hard on yourself! I know exactly how you feel, I'm a nurse & have been off sick with stress & anxiety attacks about medication administration! I was checking things so many times & would wake up in the middle of the night panicking!! You have to be kind to yourself, could you talk to a more senior pharmacist? Do you do anything outside of work? Start by writing down 1 thing you are good at eg "I am good at listening/ cooking..." Also do 1 thing a week that you enjoy, maybe something you've stopped doing because you've been worrying about work? Then book enjoyable things in advance eg a play or a short course on something new. Please try & do these 1 small step at a time & they will help! & talk to someone, you are not on your own!!

Oh Naen, as a fellow nurse I can relate.

I think you should just put a lid on the perfectionism and focus on performance without letting your feelings seep in but just going through the right motions. If you feel that you made a mistake, analyze why and see if it can be prevented. If not, then not. It sounds like the situation is already precarious for you job-security-wise because there can be severe consequences. The sooner you relax, the better. If you continue to be tense and perfectionist, it just might get you fired sooner or later. So beware.

In my opinion, one thing is true of EVERY job. The process determines success or failure.

That said, there are two types of people in the workforce. Those that understand the process, and those that "follow" the process. It could be that you are following the process and then when mistakes happen you blame yourself because "surely it isn't the process, right?" Not necessarily. All processes have holes in them. And "double checking" isn't some grand fix that puts the blame back on you. If it is, then it needs to be an OFFICIAL "double check", complete with checkbox on a clipboard or something.

Too many managers use "did you double check it" as a way of shifting the blame away from their faulty process onto the workers that are following the faulty process.

But be careful, I am not giving you a license to shift blame onto the process if it really is, in fact, your fault.

My advice is to reflect on how a minor change in the process would have prevented the mistake. Take ownership of that process adjustment. If you aren't allowed to do that, write it down and present it to your manager. This initiative is worth far more than "I'll try to do better next time". Trying to do better next time is faulty. It's like telling a beta version of a software program to not have a glitch next time. It doesn't just fix itself. You have to actively fix the program.

Now, last bit: This is VERY different from "being a perfectionist". Being a perfectionist would be like trying to do all of this in your head. Improving the process MUST take place on paper. So that you DON'T have to carry it around in your head. YOU don't have to be a perfectionist. The process does.

I have taken employees that other departments can't do anything with, and turned them into proud and productive workers. It is usually the managers inability to pinpoint the glitch in the process. Then they like to blame the workers. Fix the process, and unload your brain.