[mojo321]

Hi, I am brand new here, but I am going to jump right into an issue that I am having. I think I am a pretty good writer, so forgive me if this is too long, but I am never one to leave out details that could swing the advice one way or another.

I am a husband and dad of two. My youngest is an 8 year old boy. The thing is, I am short at 5'6" and in turn, my boy is small for his class. Also, we aren't really athletic, but we are decent looking (if I do say so myself, haha). The only thing about me or my son that would attract a bully is our niceness, and our "less intimidating" size and physical ability to retaliate.

I was bullied as a kid, so I have ZERO tolerance. Which may be a part of the problem, according to my wife. I may be making things worse. Which is killing me, by the way.

So, my son is rather passive. Everyone likes him. He is a nice kid. But he is also a target. If anyone in the class is feeling insecure about ANYTHING, it seems as though they ALL know that all they have to do is pick on my son and they feel good. Most of the time, I don't know any thing. But toward the end of the school year, he came home and was crying about how "everyone treats him".

Well, I have gone to the birthday parties and school functions. The kids these days aren't shy about calling him names right in front of me. My son will be like "Arrggghh!!!" and then they all go off and play or whatever, my son included. So what the crap?!? He puts up with it, because these are his "friends". They aren't excluding him or anything, but they REGULARY establish pecking order against him.

So if I keep my cool and say things like "don't let it bother you pal, they just want to get a reaction" then nothing ever gets better! In fact, now they play a "game" when standing in line of pushing each other around. They all do it, but my son being the easier target gets 8 pushes whereas the biggest kid in class only gets pushed once by the 2nd biggest kid. It appears that everyone LOVES to be a WINNER, so they gravitate to the easiest game they can find. My son.

If I teach him to retaliate, he would be no better than they are. But these games they play do not come naturally to my son. My wife and I have never played with him in a "domination" way. I have wrestled with him, but always on a level playing field. Where it is an ACTUAL game.

The funny thing is, my son is in karate. He has his purple belt and could easily put any of these guys in the hospital with one kick. But then he would be the bad guy. After all, they are just "being boys".

So here is what makes me crazy: The game of a bully.

"Let's Play a Game. Here are the rules. I'll take your ipod and hold it over my head. Whoever grows taller in the next 5 minutes wins. The loser will have to admit in front of everyone watching that the winner dominates the loser. Even better, we can all take turns holding your ipod over your head."

"Let's play a game. Here are the rules. We'll play basketball at recess, and when I score I'll tell you how awesome I am, and when you miss, I'll laugh and tell you how much you suck. When I miss, that's just the way it goes, and when you make a shot, I'll laugh and tell everyone how lucky you were. Then I'll laugh at the guy defending you and say how much he must suck because even YOU scored on him. This is my favorite game!"

"Let's play a game. Here are the rules. I'll pretend to punch you in the face but I will pull the punch before I make contact. If you flinch I will laugh my butt off. If no adults are around I'll punch you twice in the arm for flinching. If you try to do this to me I will wrestle you to the ground and hold you down until you understand the rule that you aren't allowed to do this to me. Boys will be boys!"

Last one. "Let's play a game. I'll burp and blow it in your face. Once everyone sees that you don't do anything about it, we will all do it to you. It's fun to establish dominance."

"As soon as you have finally come to the breaking point, and you punch me, you will get suspended."

So now, as a Dad, I want to start coaching my son. The days of, "just roll with it" advice have passed. He was truly bothered and crying after school. So now what?

I get worked up and my wife says I am part of the problem. I am turning all of his friends into enemies. Pretty soon, he won't have any friends. I am so sick of it all I can't see straight.

So my wife says, you can't change the whole world. There will always be bullies. It's how WE cope with that that effects our happiness. Not how we fight the fight.

Yes! I agree! But what do I tell my son to do when these things are happening? He shouldn't have to change schools. These boys don't even REALIZE that the "game" they are playing, and winning at my son's expense, are making school miserable for my son! To them, it is just a game! Game after game after game. Win after win after win. It is no wonder that they think they are so awesome! And the result is, my kid's self esteem is plummeting.

I can't get him to play ball with me anymore in the front yard. He hates sports now. All in one 3rd grade year.

Then I see parents encouraging the domination games. I once saw a dad burp and put his thumb to his nose and say "you ate it!" to his 4 year old son. "Ha ha!" He is turning his kid into a future bully. Well, good on him! If he can control it, his kid will surely be very successful.

This world just doesn't seem to match the message that I THOUGHT we were supposed to be teaching our kids. Did I miss the memo? I raised my kid to play nice. I quickly corrected him when he would get too aggressive when he was 3 and 4 years old, pushing his sister. Now, we are a happy little family. We love to do stuff together. And he has ZERO retaliation skills. For him, it is either just take it all in stride and suffer, or give someone a bloody nobody, which he isn't allowed to do unless the bullies get seriously physical first. Which they NEVER do. (the pushing and punching games are all in good fun, remember. Just games.)

Sorry so long, but I am crazy now. My wife had a big argument about how to advise our boy. And he heard some of it. And she said we are making it worse. And now I don't know what to do. Here are some of the options I have come up with:

1. Teach my kid how to match their actions with like actions. Unfortunately, this means you will have to join in the game of burping in peoples faces. You are going to have to learn how to push without making them fall down. You are going to have to learn to assert domination without hurting anyone. If they hurt you, hurt them back with equal return. Always match fire for fire so that they will respect you as EQUAL. Do not ever become a bully yourself. (contradiction?)

3. Teach him to be supportive of others. Especially if he sees someone getting the bully treatment. This will build his own little support group. (I like this one)

4. Teach him to use specific sentences when the abuse isn't physical. "I don't want to play this game. Give me my ipod back. No? Well then you are a thief. Either give it back, or you parents will buy me a new one." "I don't want to play this game. I am not allowed to hurt people for fun because of my Karate." "Wow, you are a sore winner. I was going to say "good job" when you made that basket, but now I really don't care about you."

5. Teach him to go to the teacher constantly.

Keep in mind, these are his "friends". They invite him over occasionally.

I was at Disney last week waiting in a line for a ride, and there were 3 13 year olds in line ahead of us. The smallest had just become victim of the punch in the arm. So when he did it back and laughed, the bigger one wrestled him all the way to the pavement. They all got up and continued to wait in the line. Friends. Laughing. I hated seeing it. It isn't right. Is it?

This is how "little man" syndrome begins. I have always prided myself on not having "little man syndrome". But I did endure a childhood of pain. Now, I am confronted with this problem. Do I teach my kid to be aggressive, which will ultimately earn him the label "little man syndrome", or do I have him endure a rough childhood and become satisfied with his spot on the ladder. After all, when you grow up adults don't behave this way. Right? Wrong. I just don't socialize with them anymore. I was lucky to have a core group of friends in high school. But at age 10, with a small class size, it seems the WHOLE class is against him sometimes. Even the girls sometimes get in on the act by calling him by his new "nickname" that he hates.

So now what?

[hamster-bamster]

This is very tough.

You probably want to read on Napoleon Bonaparte to see how he dealt with this issue. Did he deal with it by being aggressive?

[BLUEDOVE]

You HAVE to deal with this one way or another.
People,including 'little people' behave like this because they do NOT feel good about themselves.
They are also STUPID. They think that putting
someone ELSE down,raises them up. Your decent
talk is laudable and I admire it; but one HAS to
operate according to the current climate one is in.
Your son is suffering terribly,so terribly. He only
has you as the adult to protect him with the right
course of action. With people like he is dealing with,I'm afraid its either kick the **** out of them,
or another school.Think back,remember how YOU
felt--and I remember how I felt--the misery was
awful. If he defends himself that is justice for him.
If you put him in another school that is safety for
him. You see,THIS IS THE WAY THE WORLD
IS! I am a kind,sensitive man, but I had to learn
that kindness and sensitivity don't cut it when dealing with sick people. Please don't let him suffer
anymore.
Respect+Kindness,
BLUEDOVE