[lenjan]

I met a Russian ambassador this afternoon. He's charming. He's cute. His English is flawless and he's very witty. On the few occasions I have had to meet other diplomats, they have all been charming, cute, spoken perfect English and been witty. (And although he's not a diplomat, I met Oliver North once, and he could sell ice to Eskimos. The man oozes charisma from his pores.)

So. Do you become a diplomat BECAUSE you're charming, witty, etc, or do you gain those things after you've chosen that profession? I mean, I can fake my way through being social, etc for work-related things, but put me in a room at a party and I will head directly for the nearest corner and try to become invisible as hard as I can. Are people who find themselves on a national or international stage drawn to that because they already feel competent and worthy, or are they just faking it because schmoozing is part of the job description?

I dunno. I just want to know how to get whatever it is they've got. I feel kind of the same way about Dancing with the Stars, if anybody watched that. I didn't get into it on a regular basis until a few weeks ago (with the exception of tuning in for Tucker Carlson), but I got addicted in a hurry. Those women are up there on national TV, half naked, having had to teach some B-list celebrity (except for Emmitt!) how not to fall over their feet, and they're smiling and happy and looking good. Do you think they get backstage and go, "Holy crap, I screwed that up" or "damn, I look fat on camera" or are happy with what they've accomplished? No matter how well I've done something, I can find fault with it. How do you get to the point where you can look at something you've done well, that you went into it EXPECTING to do well (another problem for me), and then say, "Yeah, that was great" instead of beating yourself up for your flaws?

I'm really interested to hear what people have to say about this!

Candy

[complic8d]

good question candy! I don't have an answer though. I am one of those people who wonders how to feel good about themselves. I don't know where people get their self-assuredness, but I missed out on that one. And, if you grow up with no self-esteem, can you "get" it?

[MrsDarcy]

I wish I could help, but i'm wondering the same thing. Sometimes though, I believe it's reinforced by your family or society. People who tend to be really beautiful, talented, or smart are very confident from what I've observed.

[Hopefull]

That's one of my goals with my T. I think one can improve self-esteem and social skills. However, it takes a lot of work. If I find out what that work is, I might pass it on.

[mssumom]

I've seen this new T just a couple of times now and one of the things he wants me to work on is early memories and if I ever remember feeling good or positive about myself........as far as he can tell I have "minus zero" self esteem.....I guess it must be bad when you are below zero and his short term goal for me is to get to "zero". anyway, anyone who figures out how to make the improvement please share.......my homework is not going so well.

[Perna]

It's easier if there's something we like to do/about ourselves. I don't think you become charming by "wishing." My brothers and I were born charming :-) but I'm not thrilled with charm so much because I use it to get out of "working" and wish I'd work instead of "cheating." Find the things/ways you "cope" well or things you do well or just like to do and that's where your "gifts" lay. When I started therapy it was because I literally lived in a fantasy world. Guess what? I'm great at fantasy :-) It's almost magical how I can "change" reality. The sky's green, did you know? I can convince you of it (or at least convince you that I see it that way and that that is a superior way to see it :-) What is it my husband said last night? I'm "vivacious". I'm thinking, "yeah, right, like that's true" but that's just my lower self-esteem talking. Ask someone else to tell you what they see in you and then just "accept" it and work on seeing what they see. It's there, you just can't see it.

What classes did you enjoy in school? I think we overlook what comes "naturally" to us because we just feel like other people can do it too only they can't. I still remember when my T was fascinated/in awe of me when I brought in my "Bisquick Biscuit Basket" I'd made to show her. She couldn't cook at all! I was complaining because my "basket" wasn't very good by my standards but she wouldn't even have started such a thing. What do you "do" and think about it seriously as if you were someone else who'd never done "that."

I think it is a bit of both. There is some truth in the 'fake it until you make it' notion. We have a choice whether we act from / express our emotions or whether we allow ourself to feel them but act differently. I think there is a lot to be said to being able to feel anxiety and fear and sadness and stuff and being able to act differently (ie confidently) in some situations.

I think that is a skill that gets better with practice.

I think that confidence is a skill that gets better with practice too. I know that when I'm anxious about going to a dinner or something like that I'm much more likely to drop something or spill something or whatever. If I'm feeling confident on the other hand then I'm a bit more spontaneous with the jokes and stuff and I tend not to spill things (though if I do it is easier not to give myself a hard time over it).

I get these automatic thoughts that make it hard for me to feel confident sometimes. I'm getting better as being aware of those unhelpful thoughts and acting different, however. To see them as thoughts and nothing more. Not beliefs, not truths, just thoughts that I've internalised from somewhere along the line...

Some people do seem to be naturally confident. I think that some people are more naturally extroverted while other people are more naturally introverted. I also think that the way our parents reinforce our behaviour and the way our friends reinforce our behaviour has a significant impact on how confident we are in social settings later in life. That being said it is never too late to change with lots of practice.

That being said... I'm trying to figure out the balance between my taking more risks (I'm very introverted by nature)... But taking more risks and going out to more things and being more social and accepting that I'm simply not as extroverted as other people in the world and sometimes I'd rather be by myself reading or something like that.

Sometimes I push myself... But sometimes I accept myself too...

I think practice helps a whole heap but I know I'll never be a diplomat!

(I think they are chosen partly because of their good language skills for wherever they are being a diplomat and also for their ability to socially smooth etc. I mean... They are representing their country and so it is important that they are a smooth (and diplomatic) representative.)

But such skills can be learned... Though in times of stress people often revert...

Actually, I know someone who is a doctor, and I'm amazed at his nature. He is very smooth and confident. I can imagine him when everyone else is freaking out calmly saying 'well now, what are we going to do here? first, lets do this and then that and then the next thing...' We were driving out to this place once and he was driving confidently and so we figured he knew where he was going... After a while one of the guys said 'I don't think we are supposed to be in the next state' and he said 'Oh. Well who is navigating then?'

He wasn't navigating... His wife is supposed to navigate but she said 'I never know whether I'm supposed to be navigating or whether you know where you are going because you stride off confidently and so people think you know where you are going and follow you and then all of a sudden you turn around and say "where are we? who knows the way?"

I think one can learn to change from being an anxious person into a calm person... But I think it takes one hell of a lot of work to rewire those reflexes and I think that one might always be especially vulnerable to reverting during times of stress.

I want to change. I want to be more like that :-)

[tiodlliwi]

I completely understand- I think about it all the time. I don't think I feel bad about myself necessarily but I at the same time, I never feel totally comfortable or confident with myself. I have always been the type that is constantly thinking about "what should I say/do next" or fretting over what I just said/did- "did that sound/look stupid?" I always wonder about people who are so confident and witty- do they even have those thoughts. What would it be like to just be without all of those conversations in your head? Does anyone else deal with this. It has gotten worse for me lately- even with my husband and family (parents)- wondering what they think of me, my relationship, my actions, my words, am I acting wierd? do they know I'm anxious?

Anyone relate?

[Milanist]

Hey Candy,

Thats a good question, and there is no one real answere. All diplomats have some 'acting' in what and how they present themselfs its what makes them good at their job!

I think the first thing you have to do is be comfortable with yourself. Know your limits, what you are good at and what maby needs some work. Anything you do will have some flaws, mistakes ect. That happens to everyone. Something perfect is not that possible to do. Just be pleased with wat you do and make it a point to improve next time!

Credit does go to those who take part in 'dancing with the stars' for the guts which they have in doing that. But hey if they make mistakes they just laugh it off! Dont make a big deal on your mistakes, use them as a lesson, as a tool to do better next time! Everyone has to start somewhere.

I dont want to be repetative, but get to know yourself, thats the main part of it all, after this you will recognise your achivements and that will help you improve!

I hope this has helped you a bit!

Take care.

[beckyb342]

hi im new and i like to add that you gain self-esteem by positive self-talk.everybody has self -esteem.you just need to replace negative self talk with positive self talk.i go to group therapy 2wice a week.i hope yall don't mind me helping.sorry if yall do.

[tiodlliwi]

Yes, that is the primary thing my therapist is trying to help me with... I am struggling with that. It's hard to have positive self talk when even that voice inside your head doing the self talk is shaky and unsure... Know what I mean? But you have to keep doing it and believe it!

[beckyb342]

know what you do make a list of positive things about you at least of 10 or20 things and tape them to your mirror and lookover them when you have a negative thought.and when you're not sure.just tell yourself im sure im pretty,im smart,etc.

[Perna]

Give the positive guy some more weapons; use humor and common sense to make fun of the negative guy or to cheer the positive one. Don't try to believe things out of "thin air," but talk about common, little things you like about yourself and your life. Just talk to yourself, comment, like you would a friend; about things you like and dislike and struggles you're having, etc. Eventually you'll react to yourself as a friend would and no negative guy can get between that!