my inner critic

Hey guys, I'll try not to drone on too long here while still being as clear as possible about the struggle.

So... a part of me thinks I'm awesome. I'm smart, I'm kind, I'm not bad looking, and I'm surrounded by people who love me because they see something good in me. Also, I know that I haven't tricked them... I know there is something good in me for real.

Unfortunately, another part of me is pretty sure I'm just a piece of crap. I mean... real, hardcore, seething self-loathing. Even though I think I'm pretty "capable", my whole sense of self-worth is really low. I truly do hate myself.

Just typing that... well, it's progress to admit it I suppose... only recently been able to do that...

My inner critic is always hasty to remind me of past failures, of how I've squandered my potential, of how I haven't been able to just pick something and make a go of it and instead let myself become bored and distracted from every career I've ever pursued.

I hate that I work where I do. I hate that I earn just a shade over minimum wage, and that that's not likely to ever change. I hate that I don't provide for my family in a way that would grant them proper comfort.

That's career but... also there's... stuff I feel guilty about... stuff I've done in the past, and feelings I've felt for other people that were inappropriate. I hate feeling like I want people other than my wife. I know that if she knew she'd be horribly hurt.

I make better decisions these days now that I'm not so ridiculously depressed, but... I feel like there's nothing I can ever do to make it better. I'm filthy and will never be clean.

So... I don't know what to do...

Hello, MixedUpGuy.

15 Common Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central
Fixing Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central
Self-Esteem Struggles and Strategies That Can Help | Psych Central
Challenging Negative Self-Talk | Psych Central

I wish you well.

Thanks, I'll take the time to work through these.

A big part of me is afraid that if I convince myself to feel confident I'll go out and make another mess of things, start something and not finish it, fail again... so that fear makes it seem dangerous to try to "heal". My mental struggles don't seem like diseases to me, they feel logical, and so it's tough to think that it would be OK to think any other way...

... but as I said, I'll attempt to be brave and work through your links. Thanks again.

I struggle with that sort of thinking as well. I try to remind myself that if I don't want to feel bad about my past in the future, I can make choices today that will support that. If I start to feel bad about how I let myself get fat and out of shape, I try to get out for a walk or some other kind of exercise instead. Theoretically

It's very hard. Baby steps work well for me, but it almost seems like I get to a point where I feel like I am making progress and then I just let it all go to hell again and have to work up the energy to start over.

The starting and not finishing is something I do as well. A lot.

One thing that really jumped out at me in the articles is labelling. I didn't realize it but yeah, I really, really do that.

Not finishing things, for instance: I immediately start branding myself mentally with words like "loser" or "pathetic" or "disappointment", as if those things are the definition of what I am.

Obviously that's illogical, and it's nice to know that now... to catch myself and go "ah-ah-ah! Stop right there!"

Thank you for saying the words "baby steps" though. I need that reminder sometimes. I'll be going over this stuff again and again over the next few weeks, seeing what else I can pull out.

Start where you are. Take issue with your judgments of yourself as if others are judging you. What evidence do you have that you "drone" much less "too long"? Apologizing for yourself before you even start? Technically, if you believed you could drone on too long, in less time than it took to type that sentence you could have just decided you'd work to not do that?

One thing I would get rid of too, if the "try" part? Channel Yoda instead? You are allowed to do what you want, it is your life. If you want to drone on, then you can drone on, if you want to type too much/long then you can do that, if you want to say, "Hey, to heck with you inner critic!" then you can. Thinking ill of yourself and putting yourself down does nothing whatsoever for you? Change the thinking so they "negatives" are not closed judgments, you "are" this way and cannot change, but what you want to work on next for yourself. I would work to get rid of the stuff that stops you before you start, the declaring that you are not going to make more money in the future, not support your family any better, etc. Sorry, you are good but you aren't that good that you know the future

Thank you!

I get criticized for... being a bit verbose. I get accused of talking too much.

The thing is I don't talk too much. I know I don't. Generally I sit there with absolutely nothing to say, listening to people make small talk, often biting my tongue when they indulge in pettiness or repetition of things they've said dozens of times before.

I think they accuse me of that because, when I do speak, I like to say something meaningful and to express the idea in its totality. My wife has often told me I made her brain hurt.

That... makes me angry, to be honest. She's not dumb. She's every bit as smart as I am, often smarter. I have no idea why she does that to me.

Anyway... communication issues to work out...

Hello Mixedupguy.

I struggle with this kind of thinking as well - I can objectively see that I have achieved a lot (in some areas) am a good parent, am a nice person and a good friend, look after people etc. But then I also feel (particularly with work where I too earn peanuts and can't believe that I have not managed to get a better job) that I am a big fat fraud. That I have somehow ended up with opportunities I don't deserve and that if people knew what was in my head they would not want to employ me, be around me, be my partner etc. It is really difficult. But, people do want to be around you. You are surrounded by people who love you as you said... And you're not perfect but you're not totally crap either. That is normal... And they still want to be around you.

On the inappropriate thoughts about other people than your wife - they are only thoughts - they don't define you. Look at techniques for controlling intrusive thoughts which might help with the specifics, but other than that, it sounds as though you feel massively misunderstood, and also that you have a very low self esteem. These things are hard to carry around and make you flog yourself about every bad thought. Many therapists might suggest that you be kinder to yourself... Like you would be to others...

Communication I can't advise on because I would tend to agree with you! However, perhaps it's the intensity rather than the volume that she's finding an issue?

I struggle with this too. My inner critic is having way too many dialogues about things from the past until now. I am still working on things for myself and my lousy ex-therapist never really helped me with the inner critic just figure it out for myself. She told me to speak to my inner critic and today, I kinda froze when I was trying to explain to an employee what I was seeking. I sound so monotone and not confident and then the other day I was realizing as when I was a kid, I had no worries could easily speak and still can't seem to give good eye contract always turning my head away.

I feel a lot of things are wrong with me. I have been looking online on communication and still can't find what I am looking for. I refuse to go back to see another therapist, had 3 failed ones now and don't wanna be wasting my time getting into ridiculous arguments all because they can't control me with their dogmas! I do a lot of comparing myself to others, I just want the "old me" back not this scared person that I am now.

I know what caused this problem and was told be kinder to yourself, how is that helping me build social skills? How about a teacher to guide me? I don't know...but I am trying to do some things on my own yet too much conversation and then I give up. May be I am looking for a magic pill or something, I am doing all of this practice yet I am still down in the dumps.

My head is so overcrowded with thoughts and so overwhelmed so exhausted....