[bellegirl10]

Keeps saying thread created but I don't see it and on my profile it says no treads made. So sorry if it's multiple.

So I've had self esteem issues for years now. All about my body. Mainly my boobs. Take that back all about them. This post is probably going to be long because I've never opened up to anyone about this besides my boyfriend.

As I was saying I've been self conscious about my boobs. My boyfriend is starting to get tired of me complaining because it's unattractive but I can't help it. I'm always saying they're too small but now after having a baby I'm saying how I don't like how one is bigger and saggier than the other. Which I knew would come with pregnancy.

Anyways, he knows how self conscious I am. But I don't think he realized how much until he saw me have a panic attack the other night after I found out he had just got done watching porn a few days ago. He said he was looking at pictures of me but when I asked to see his internet history he tried to hide it. So guess what popped up right as he opened it. Not only did it make me feel terrible but he lied to me. I know to probably make me feel better. But as I was having my panic attack I was uncontrollably shaking, I was crying and couldn't breathe. I think he was in between I understand/pissed/you're over reacting/ leaving.

He said he did look at pictures of me but the way I felt and took it was... Yes, I aroused you and you started with me but you couldn't finish with me? I'm not good enough for you to finish? You can't look at me and finish?

So the day after I got all dressed up for when he got home. Made me feel good knowing he was looking. So after that (maybe tmi) for the next few days he was very intimate. (Again maybe tmi) He wanted more pictures and videos of me. I asked him why he had been so intimate lately. He said because after everything that happen he sees me even more attractive. Especially after having a baby.

He said he'd use the pictures and videos he got. But I kind of find it hard to believe.

Not only am I feeling terrible about myself and the whole situation but I'm obsessed about it. I can't stop thinking about it. Nonstop. I cry myself to sleep, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and cry, I'll think about it during the day and want to talk to him about it but he's tired of hearing it and gets mad. I'm wanting to talk to him right now but I can't.

I'm to the point to where no matter what he says and how much I want to trust what he's saying but I don't. I find it hard to believe about the pictures and videos. So I just need someone to talk to.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, bellegirl10, and welcome! I put my comments in your thread in the women-support forum.

[glok]

Welcome to the Community, bellegirl10.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weight...f-esteem-file/

I wish you well.