What about when the inner critic is right?

I've struggled with self-esteem since I was a child (I'm 21 now). That's pretty much, as far as I can tell, my parent's fault, to a great extent, in how they choose to raise me. My life, and who I am as a person hasn't helped either. Anyways, I really think I'm a horrible person most of the time, and I'm convinced that I just don't have the ability to do most things, or properly function, in the environment that people regularly do. Pretty sure I won't be able to live as an independent person.

What makes it worse though is that I can acknowledge my inner critic. I really can, and I know it very well, but I cannot rebuke it. Overall there's just nothing TO rebuke it with. Sure I mean I have a few things here which I'm not completely incompetent at, and I've seen from time to time my self-image increase a very tiny amount (going from nothing I like about myself to 2 things), but overall I just have no reason to like myself, nothing positive about myself, and no way to argue against the inner critic, which just makes me feel even more incompetent.

Everything in my life just goes to show that compared to everyone else around me I'm horrifically incompetent, and that really just brings me down. How can I argue against the inner critic when just about everything in my life points me towards the view that I'm worthless, unlovable, incompetent, etc. and have no redeeming qualities?

Could it be that it's your inner critic that points you toward the view that you're X and Y?

It seems that when we believe something about ourselves, especially something negative, we filter out evidence to the contrary and essentially look for evidence that supports our belief. The belief, the crap your inner critic spouts, likely has some truth to it. Accepting that crap as TRUTH though really skews our perceptions.

I don't know how you experience your inner critic, but I tend to believe that there's more to the message than we may think. You say you're 21. I have no idea, but lets say you can't drive. Most people your age can drive. Behind those facts might be messages like, "it's really weak that a guy my age can't drive" or "how pathetic that I'm playing the helpless little girl". In either case, breathless messages that you should be able to drive and you're falling behind everybody may also be there on some level.

So the fact is you don't drive, and a majority of people your age can. Everything else is where your inner critic gets the lousy rep it deserves. If you think you should be X, or you're "horribly incompetent", those things aren't facts. They'r opinions formed long ago when you were defenseless to challenge them. You're not defenseless now.

I'm not really sure what your point in all this is, but I'll still do my best to respond.

Its more that I experience life, which points me to conclusions. I've tried contradicting my inner critic. I've looked for just about all the ideas I can. The problem is that pretty much everything in my life, even when I'm not thinking on that particular aspect of myself, confirms it for me. I can't contradict observations, which yes do at times compare myself to others, but moreso its just the conclusions I'm led to believe based off myself.

So I don't have any means to contradict any of the things that define my existence; severe loneliness to the point of constant physical pain, feeling that I'm unlovable and will never be loved by anyone, incompetence in the most basic aspects and to the point that I'll probably not be able to function as an independent adult, very poor body-image, self-hatred, impossibility of almost any of my dreams or desires coming into fruition (or even possibility), as well as having absolutely no meaning or purpose in my life...you get the point...

All these are based not in some false notions, but in what I've learned and observed about myself in my day-to-day life, and which are repeatedly confirmed regardless of my best efforts against them.

...and extreme stress due to a variety of variables, which has at times been so severe that its caused physical symptoms....because life decided it hadn't screwed me over enough yet.

Other self-help stuff just makes me even more discouraged and depressed than before. The typical one is the whole "write 50 things (or hell even 10 things) which you see as positives about yourself, or which you like about yourself". On the best day I've ever had I've come up with 2 by really stretching it.

I have the same problem. Sometimes my Inner Critic spouts semi-believable exaggerations or outright lies, and sometimes it has a valid point. I've been trying to manage it by asking myself, "If I was getting feedback from another person, wouldn't it make sense to do some reality checking?".

One thing my Inner Critic's arguments do is imply that I can't improve things it tells me I'm no good at or will probably fail to achieve. Now that is not realistic. With adequate effort, I theoretically could improve a situation, learn a new skill, etc.

So, where our Inner Critics are giving us a "something unpleasant is happening because you suck and I don't think you can change it" kind of message is a bit like a schoolyard bully asserting "you're a poopyhead". This is not news I can use, Inner Critic - so your argument is invalid!

That's the problem though. Fact checking only confirms the reality of the truth of the inner critic. As much as it pains me to admit it, for me it seems that its just the unfortunate and honest truth that I really am worthless, unlovable, undesirable, and incompetent, to name but a few, with no redeeming qualities, or evidence to the contrary.

Its just even more depressing that it looks like everyone else is able to find things that they can use over time to weaken their inner critic, while not only do I not have anything to counter what she says, but everything she has just been proven true over and over by my live experiences...in other words, its arguments are entirely true and valid...

It helped me to acknowledge that my parents did the best job they could and were and are still suffering with their own challenges, some similar to my own. I found that to move forward I had to acknowledge blame and let it go.

I wonder if it might be possible to ignore one's perceived flaws and in-competencies, or to not look at one's life experiences in terms of failing or succeeding for being competent or incompetent.

I am codependent and I've been researching it for a while and have found some very helpful information.

Internal Family Systems talks about our Parts (which includes our Inner Critic), each of which has valuable qualities and each of which is designed to -- and wants to -- play a valuable role within. These parts are forced out of their valuable roles, however, by life experiences that can reorganize the system in unhealthy ways.

Even though I am trying to help and this post will be verified I am not allowed to post links so Google "Internal Family Systems" (the website is called SelfLeadership) and click on About. Watch the video, read and listen to find out more.

I also thought of Lisa A Romano. She has great insight, speaks from the heart and from experience.

Find her on Youtube. Pick a playlist and a video that speaks to you. Try a couple.

Hopefully this will start you on a journey of recovery which if nothing else might be a "distraction" from focus on failure/success, competency/incompetency.

With much love.

Enough experience with this is why I've come to believe that self-esteem and self-love are largely shams and delusions. Both hinge on silencing or ignoring the inner critic and, moreso, the eternal circumstances that prove it right. I'm in pretty much the same boat as you, OP. Only thing I can see to do is try to fix oneself in conformity with the inner critic's demands...

Well...I mean, that's the problem. I can't. My inner critic tends to be more about what I can't do than what I do, although I've plenty of self-criticism on that too. Essentially, to be honest, when everything around you confirms what you inner critic is saying...no matter how unpleasant...I feel like its probably the truth. Even if it just constantly makes me feel worthless, unlovable, and like curling up into a ball and crying...

I mean, I'll be honest, I doubt I can get better. I don't like feeling like I do, but when its caused by myself just in my day-to-day life...I don't know if I change that, especially because there's evidence to back up every single thing the inner critic says, and nothing to the contrary.

If your inner critic is more about what you CAN'T do instead of what you actually do...... What's to stop you from doing those things except your negative self image? I'm assuming the things you can't do are things like asking someone on a date or having a well-paid career or learning a new language or losing weight. If you're upset that you're not Usain Bolt, I can't really help. Although even there, you could go to a track and train.

As far as all the evidence confirming what your inner critic says, it's very common for people with depression or low self esteem to ignore evidence to the contrary. I was very depressed recently, and I felt like I had no friends. In my mind that was completely true - I had no true friends, only acquaintances who didn't really care all that much. But in fact, I have several good friends, I just ignored them or discounted their friendship. "Oh, she only hangs out with me because she just moved here and doesn't know anybody." "He only talks to me because he feels sorry for me." Those are not true statements, but filtered through my negative mindset they seemed completely true.

What was mentioned earlier, about not knowing how to drive: as said, the only facts of the situation are that you don't know how to drive, and most people your age do. Any further statement is solely an opinion - it's based on what "should" be instead of what actually is. The problem with should statements is they can be completely wrong, especially if they're being filtered through that negative mindset. I could say I should have a boyfriend, most people my age do. But what if I don't want commitment, or want to focus on my mental health, or am too busy to give a relationship the amount of attention it deserves? On the other hand, maybe I do want a boyfriend, but I just haven't found the right person yet. So, should statements are completely useless. Stop listening to them.

ETA: the problem is believing that all your thoughts are true. Have you ever heard a girl call herself fat when you think she's thin or average? That's a perfect example. In her mind, the statement "I'm fat" is 100% true, but to the rest of the world she's nuts.

To be honest, its more based around the most basic aspects of daily life. I can’t keep track of my bills, or I can’t manage my finances (most notably never having enough for what I need), feeling completely imcompetant in my courses since I’m struggling while everyone else is thriving. Feeling unlovable because I’ve never had someone love me, or ask me out, or even have a basic interest in me, with the one exception being some old hag of a coworker that got close to me as a friend over a year, to try and sexually abuse me as a minor at the time (that’s the only type of person who’s ever considered me worth their time)…

These are things that any basic adult should know, but in actuality I’m completely worthless and incompetent, and anytime anything comes around to give me that little bit of hope to keep going it just gets thrown down in front of me, and I get reminded of just how much I’m just damaged goods, incompetent, or hopeless. I don’t know why I haven’t died yet, and managed to live this long…

To be fair, most of the time my friends can’t help with all the things I struggle with (literally they are either out of communication, or just away). Also being ignored constantly, or people seeming to give a “God, shut up” look whenever I talk, and excluding me from the conversation usually, doesn’t help me feel like anyone really cares.

That’s also the problem though. I don’t see how my claims aren’t true. What causes them to happen is those things actually happening (or not happening in certain cases). Its not like, hypothetically, I’m not studying or trying on an assignment, getting an 80, and saying “oh, I’m so dumb”, but more like I’m studying as much as possible, trying as hard as possible, and even seeking out a tutor, and failing continually.

I hope that makes sense, but really it does seem that everything my inner critic tells me is backed up by evidence, and so I feel that they can’t but be true. Doesn't help that they're all around basic parts of daily life, and also about things I actually do want (like to be loved for once...).

Listen, just this morning I paid a penalty of $100 because I set aside a bill for a toll (a $6.50 bill) and then forgot to pay it. I'm not great at my finances either, but I don't derive self worth from my ability to budget. If it bothers you, that's a skill you can learn. There are apps to help, as well as books, even financial consultants who can help, depending on how badly you want to learn.

Regarding dating, go on Tinder and OkCupid and Match.com and swipe right or send a message (or a dozen). Meetup is another good way to meet people with a little less pressure. Dating is hard. It takes a lot of effort to meet people, especially if you're not a social butterfly. When I make an effort to date people, I'm on various dating apps every single day, sending and replying to messages, swiping left a lot (I guess I'm picky). You have to commit to it. But if you do, you can meet people. Sometimes it just takes time.

I'm not sure about school. It could be that you're in the wrong field, maybe you'd be better suited to different courses, maybe your professors' teaching style doesn't work for you. I don't know. Sometimes people aren't great at book learning. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I have terrible social anxiety. I feel awkward all the time, my mind goes blank, I think everyone is looking at me like I'm a weirdo. There have been numerous occasions where I hid in the bathroom and cried because I was so uncomfortable. So what did I do? I bought a motorcycle, and joined a motorcycle club, and forced myself to go to their social events. Events where I often cried in the bathroom. But it got easier, and I met new people, and just last month I went on a camping trip with 20 other women, all but 3 I'd never met before (and those 3, I'd literally only introduced myself and said nothing else). I spent 48 hours in the company of complete strangers. But I did ok! I talked to people, I don't think I came across as a weirdo, and actually the club's founder and I have a mutual friend and he later told me she said I kicked ***. I felt really awkward a lot of the time but to at least one person I came across as cool.

I tell you this to illustrate that 1) you never know how you come across to other people so you're probably being too hard on yourself 2) if you keep practicing whatever it is you're bad at, you'll get better and it'll get easier and 3) I'm like the most socially awkward person ever and even I have friends and get dates.

Believe me, I've been where you are. I felt sure that no one loved me and I was doomed to failure and things would never get better. I know it seems so real in your mind. But I'm bipolar, so sometimes I come out of the depression, and I can see how distorted my thoughts were. You might not have the luxury of those moments of clarity but believe me. A lot of what you're feeling - the lack of confidence, the sense of failure - are just cognitive distortions. And the rest, like school and your finances, are things you can work on. Nobody is prepared for adulthood. There's a lot that you have to learn on the fly. But don't assume because you don't know it yet that means you can't figure it out or that you're deficient in some way.

All I can tell you is keep trying. Keep studying, ask people on dates, download Mint or something so you can keep track of your finances. Do your best to ignore your inner critic because that guy's an a$$hole. If you really push yourself to master some of these things you have trouble with, you can prove the inner critic wrong.

AVerySadThrow,
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way about yourself. In a way, thoughts are habits. The more you do something, think something, the more ingrained it becomes. It's not your fault. It just kind of is human nature. Something you said about self help books making you feel worse, made me think about something I read today (in a self help book, ironically). It basically said that positive affirmations don't work and can literally make people feel worse, especially if they don't believe what the affirmation says. I want to tell you that it (low self esteem, negative inner critic) can get better with time. There's a quote about a canyon, being made basically by a the perseverance of a river, and that's how I look at creating new habits and thought patterns. It takes constant practice and repetition to make progress. I've been working at it a long time. Still not there, but I find it worth it. I was wondering if you are in therapy? The right therapist can really help. Also wanted to say, that you said no one is interested in you, but it looks like people here on this forum including me, want to help and are interested in you and your story. Just something to think about. In terms of the "write 50 good things about yourself"? Yeah don't do that, lol. I wouldn't be able to find that many about myself either. Start with 1. The fact that you are trying, counts a lot. I can see that being a strength right there.

I'll admit I don't really feel much hope in the matter. To be honest I've never seemed to even get better to any discription...I don't even remember a time when I did have a sense of self-esteem, or self-confidence, or really even any hope for a future died years ago.

Its been really hard for me because it seems that people don't struggle with this the same way either because they just tell me "oh do this" or "oh do that", and I feel like a b**ch for constantly putting people's ideas down. I'm not trying to be, but its just that I literally don't know how to do any of the things they say to do. I don't know how to change my thinking. I don't know how to positively self-talk (because I never have). I don't know how to actually feel good about, or see good in, myself. And so much more.

I'm glad you're all willing to put up with me, but I'll be honest. When I said no one is interested in me its referring to romantic interest. I've literally never had someone like me for me, in that way, or felt love, connection, or affection from someone. It really gets me down because everyone I know (yes literally everyone), with exception to one person is already in long-term, stable, loving relationships, and a few are even married, and here I am perpetually alone, with no one, and whose never had someone, and who will likely never have someone (despite my efforts).

Its like everyone else has this solid foundation, or just better starting position or life in general, to build on, and regardless of how hard I try I'll never get to the point they're at. I don't even have a foundation to have self-esteem.

I am in therapy, and have been for just about a year now, but we aren't really covering self-esteem because there are just so many other issues which I'm struggling with that we often don't get to it, especially the more pressing ones which take precedence recently...

Can I ask how old you are? It's fine if you don't feel comfortable.

I totally understand what you mean about people's suggestions being useless. I have written about it in my journal myself. I used the analogy of teaching someone to whistle. I couldn't whistle until I was 18. And people tried to teach me. But their instructions utterly failed, because they couldn't tell me how to hold my tongue - it's hard to show, or describe. Anyway, I eventually learned, by myself, by accident. Self esteem, social anxiety, confidence, dating, they're all like learning to whistle. Someone can point you in the right direction but you have to figure it out on your own.

I'm also a naysayer. I think I'm just naturally argumentative. Here I am, arguing with you about the very same things I've felt (and sometimes still feel) myself.

I guess the most important thing to remember, above all else, is that even though you don't know some of the things you think you should, you can learn. You just have to keep trying. And someday you'll figure out something that works for you. Or maybe it's something you can discuss with your therapist - a lot of exercises that would probably be beneficial are things you can do outside of therapy, so you wouldn't even have to waste much of your session on them.

Positive self talk? I'm not sure about that either, because I haven't done much of that in my life. I just read Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It and it recommends the really simple affirmation "I love myself" even if you don't mean it yet. I'm working on that myself right now.

I'm a big fan of doing rather than thinking. I don't know if I could come up with a list of 50 things I like about myself all at once but I bet I could come up with one.* One every day until I ran out. And I think the length of your fingernails or ability to spell are perfectly valid. Doesn't need to be big, or profound.

Just keep trying. Start small. Don't give up.

*I have actually done this before.