Wanna disappear

Hi.. I am new to the forum here
I know I'm 17, and it's normal to feel this way I guess but I feel really lost.
I can tell how hard I am on myself, and how much I change myself/my personality to please others. It's making me completely lose myself. Every choice I make, I consider how others would feel about it.
And I'm completely self conscious and insecure. I hate when people walk behind me because I'm afraid they'll judge how I walk, or i'll worry if the back of my hair looks okay. I lose friendships because of all of my insecurities. I don't even have a relationship with my family and only contact them when I'm in need.
When I try to talk to people, I feel like I'm annoying them. Even today, I tried to talk to my gma (who I live with) about how I feel, but ended up getting yelled at, which led to argument. :/
I have insomnia and my energy level isn't very high. I stress about my health problems a lot, and my grades are recently dropping. I've been accepted into a rly good college, and thought things were going okay for me, but not rly. I still feel the same.

Ajisa I can really relate to some of the hardships you describe experiencing because I lived through them myself during my lifetime...

-feeling lost
-being overly self-conscious and struggling with insecurities
-insomnia and low energy

Hang in there...

Have you heard the expression "You are your own worst enemey" before? Ever feel that way? I think it's more accurate to state that our physical minds can be our own worst enemies... The often incessant and uncontrollable mind 'chatter' that can be so critical and judgemental of of ourselves - and which can reinforce really 'negative' and self-defeating ways of thinking about ourselves and our lives...

Reading through your post I was given the impression that you might stand to really benefit from finding ways to quiet your physical mind activity and to relax your mind... When we direct too much of our conscious energy towards our physical mind and it's sometimes dysfunctional ways of operating - it's like a 'force' that grows stronger and this can (as you know) have the ability to create a lot of suffering for us. Now, if you can find ways for you increase the amount of time that you experience your state of consciousness where the physical mind is more relaxed and 'in the background' as opposed to dominating the scene - you will in effect be disempowering those habitual negative thought-patterns and starving them of the conscious energy that they need to survive. I know this isn't easy to accomplish but it can be done and can absolutely improve your sense of well-being...

I strongly encourage you to conduct some research into 'ways to relax your mind' (or similar search phrases) and keep searching until you find a practice or activity that works best for you!

As for myself, I really enjoy listening to Classical music... It has no lyrics so there is nothing for your mind to process in terms of language, and the tones/frequencies/resonances of the Classical instruments really relaxes me and promotes a sense of calmness & trainquility... Here is a short write-up about the effects of Classical music on the brain/body:

Effect of Classical Music on the Brain
http://www.classicalforums.com/artic...sic_Brain.html

Also, taking long walks can be very beneficial for your psychological well-being and has proven to be an effective means for some individuals to combat feelings of depression - and of course the physical activity is also good for your physiological health. I read a short book a couple years ago about how walking is a form of bilateral therapy because the repetitive motion stimulates both hemispheres of the brain and that this is conducive to processing our challenging emotions stored inside us. The author was advocating walking as a form of therapy and suggested that you allow yourself to connect with your difficult emotions and mental-thoughtforms while you are engaged in this activity (this is key)... So I know you said you were experiencing low-energy but see if you can bring yourself to start going for long walks (preferably somewhere quiet and closer to nature)... You could even combine relaxing (lyric-less) music with your walking... Tell yourself that you're going to explore this option/activity for a few weeks and see how it affects you and how you feel afterwards... What have you got to lose here by doing this? : )

P.S. - congrats on getting accepted to a good college!

Thank you for the suggestions and the congrats.
I think I'll try listening to classical music. I've recently gotten a ukulele (like last week) and started practicing for the first time yesterday. I actually got into it and started to enjoy it, which is rare lately.
I can't really take long walks outside.. I don't live in a very good neighborhood, so it would make me extremely paranoid (if you know anything about Detroit, Michigan). I am overweight and exercise in general could really benefit me. I can try exercising maybe? Will it have the same effect?

Hi, thank you for responding and thanks for the congrats. I do believe in the saying, 'You are your own worst enemy'. I'm harder on myself than anyone is on me-i hate myself so much and still believe i deserve it.
I get jealous when I see people happy bc I feel like I can't achieve that place of happiness.
Thanks for the suggestions. I can try listening to classical music, however i'm not living in a good enough neighborhood to just walk about (makes me paranoid to go out). I could try exercise in general if that has the same effect! I'm always in a state of emotional/physical exhaustion though so it might be hard to get in the habit.

I relate with all of your feelings of self-consciousness and insecurity. I was doing the same thing in my teens, and unfortunately I'm still feeling the same now at 27. I go out and worry that people think I walk funny. I've been self conscious of my hair since age 14. And I have social anxiety, so I feel utterly unlikable and ridiculous as a person, and worry how I come across. What caused you to feel this way, did something trigger it? Bullies, unhappy home, or just felt this way since before you can remember? I can relate to each cause.

I'm slowly coming to the understanding that we need to have our own backs, like and support ourselves, and take the personal power that we should have. We're both feeling powerless and unworthy; we're doubting ourselves, our abilities, how other people perceive us. How we see ourselves is absolutely everything. It determines whether we look up or look down. It determines whether we talk back or back down. It determines everything in our lives. We need to be 100% best friends with ourselves. Wolfgaze's advice is good - you need (as I also need!) to look within, quiet the mind, and listen to yourself. Your true self is there. Journaling is helpful. It's incredibly hard, I'm struggling with it myself. But at the end of the day we have to refuse to live with the fear and refuse to dislike ourselves based on our environments and the lives and thoughts of other people. Life is too complex to base our opinions of ourselves on the opinions of people near us. People are too complex. We have to let go of the thought of "other people" and hold on to the thought "myself." And "other people" does not come in to "myself" at all, whatsoever. When you think of yourself and immediately think of another person, it's still "other people." You must find you, and focus on you.

Hmm, have I just had a mini epiphany about my own social anxiety? I must remember these nuggets of insight.

Very cool about the ukulele! I would imagine there might be some excellent ukulele music hosted on Youtube and maybe you can find a collection of pieces that both inspire and RELAX you (your mind)

As far as Classical music is concerned.... My favorite composers are Vivaldi and Chopin.... Vivaldi has a baroque style sound - I especially like his cello, violin, and flute concertos (but he has a HUGE library and variety of compositions). Chopin primarily composed piano works and his pieces can be very relaxing to listen to (especially his Nocturnes and Waltzes). You can find long playlists or compilations for both of these composers on Youtube. Also, if you have cable TV in your home, there should be a wide range of music-only stations listed somewhere in your channel line-up - and there will most certainly be a Classical station (this is actually how I discovered my favorite composes and what I liked/enjoyed best)...

I see, and I understand... I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to walk around in neighborhoods/environments like that... Do any of the local schools have a track that would be safe to walk on? As far as other forms of exercise that might have a similar effect - I'm thinking maybe using an exercise bike? It would mimic the same repetitive motion (on both sides of the body) as walking creates... But regardless, any form of exercise that you can get into and which works for you - that would be beneficial for you I think!

You absolutely do not deserve it... However you've probably felt this way for so long and it's deeply ingrained and has in essence become a part of your 'sense of self'... Perhaps you can't imagine yourself feeling any differently than you currently do (I've been there!). At some point you may find yourself getting so fed up with feeling this way (about yourself) that you finally reach the point where you are ready to let go of some of your former beliefs and ways of perceiving - and you push yourself in a new direction and explore new territory....

Please understand that what you observe of others behavior in public settings is not a good nor reliable indication of their overall condition or state of being. Most people modify and tailor their behavior in public because they are concerned about how others will react to them if they operate in ways that may draw attention or concern. Many people have to make an effort to put on their 'happy face' while at work or in front of friends/relatives because they do not want to reveal the sensitive nature of emotions they may be struggling with privately. Some people are overly concerned with their imagined reputations - how they look in the eyes of others. So they deliberately act in ways in public which are intended to give off a specific impression. And on social media you see people posting specific types of photos that are intended to showcase only certain elements of their life experience - while avoiding/neglecting others. Again, this simply gives off an incomplete picture... When we do not recognize the depth and complexity of the human life experience - we are prone to being a bit misled by the more superficial and surface-level observations...

I myself was able to put on my 'normal face' and appear to be living a normal adolescent life - meanwhile I was privately and seriously struggling inside. But people would not have known this because I hid that from others and my outward appearance was not a reflection of how I truly was feeling within (I was hurting/struggling). So please keep all of this in mind next time you see people who appear to be 'happy' and you start to experience feelings of jealousy coming on. These very same individuals who appear 'happy' in public could be seriously struggling and suffering behind closed doors and when no one is around to observe them. In fact I would actually encourage people to do away with the word 'happy' altogether and remove it from their vocabulary - why? Because I think there are a lot of unrealistic ideas associated with that term...

Great advice wolfgaze!!