[Confusedchaos]

I literally just left a toxic relationship with a narcissist.

I feel completely unsupported by my family. and I feel like I miss him even though he put me through so much abuse.
YES, I am in therapy.
YES, I am codependent.
YES, I have been tolerating this abusive behavior for 4 years
and YES, We have a 2 year old together.

I am in my own apartment now just now starting my life over again. I have no friends. I have no support system. and I know my son misses his dad.
Apart of me, just wants to walk away from even trying to be independent and just allow myself to be dependent on a man.
I know it sounds stupid but it is honestly all I know.
I am 23 years old. and I really feel like the weakest person ever and I feel like a terrible mother for leaving my abusive partner because our son loves his dad soo so so so sooo much!

I am codependent so my therapist suggested I cut off all dating for a year and try to do it on my own.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER BEEN SINGLE. LIKE EVER.

I normally would just contact an ex if something happened and move on from the pain I was feeling but now, I am forced to focus on staying single and not going back to relying on a man.
I don't know why I am struggling with it so much. Why do I feel like I need a man? Why can't I be happy by myself?

I was so desperate to be have that fairy tale love, that I literally stayed in an abusive relationship because I was to scared and weak to leave, but also because I waskind of used to the abuse and apart of me liked not having to make the tough decisions. I liked the security of being taken care of.
But- It got to a point, that I could not stay any longer because my life, health was in jeopardy.
He had started having unprotected sex with prostitutes along with the emotional, financial, sometimes physical abuse.

I guess, my question is, how do I make this easier for myself?
When I am feeling this depressed and alone in my apartment how do I convince myself to not go back to him?

[particulates]

Originally Posted by Confusedchaos

I literally just left a toxic relationship with a narcissist.

I feel completely unsupported by my family. and I feel like I miss him even though he put me through so much abuse.
YES, I am in therapy.
YES, I am codependent.
YES, I have been tolerating this abusive behavior for 4 years
and YES, We have a 2 year old together.

I am in my own apartment now just now starting my life over again. I have no friends. I have no support system. and I know my son misses his dad.
Apart of me, just wants to walk away from even trying to be independent and just allow myself to be dependent on a man.
I know it sounds stupid but it is honestly all I know.
I am 23 years old. and I really feel like the weakest person ever and I feel like a terrible mother for leaving my abusive partner because our son loves his dad soo so so so sooo much!

I am codependent so my therapist suggested I cut off all dating for a year and try to do it on my own.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER BEEN SINGLE. LIKE EVER.

I normally would just contact an ex if something happened and move on from the pain I was feeling but now, I am forced to focus on staying single and not going back to relying on a man.
I don't know why I am struggling with it so much. Why do I feel like I need a man? Why can't I be happy by myself?

I was so desperate to be have that fairy tale love, that I literally stayed in an abusive relationship because I was to scared and weak to leave, but also because I waskind of used to the abuse and apart of me liked not having to make the tough decisions. I liked the security of being taken care of.
But- It got to a point, that I could not stay any longer because my life, health was in jeopardy.
He had started having unprotected sex with prostitutes along with the emotional, financial, sometimes physical abuse.

I guess, my question is, how do I make this easier for myself?
When I am feeling this depressed and alone in my apartment how do I convince myself to not go back to him?

You have my sympathy. Nothing will weaken our resolve more than the feeling of being alone. Stay connected with anybody who is helpful in getting you over this phase of separation. Join some group, maybe a women's chat group or play group for the kids. Make this a priority and you won't feel so alone, and you will meet people. Even a walk to the playground every day will connect you with others and get you exercise and outdoors.

It sounds like you are on the right path. Likely he won't change, likely he will promise you the world. He needs therapy to stop using you for his own problems. With therapy comes knowledge and insight and it can change one's memory of the past. He must admit he has a problem first.

Maybe you feel you can't do it on your own. There are many women who do, and move on. Please continue to get therapy. And let us know how things go for you. Remember how important your wellness is to you and your child. Work at it in therapy and you will see changes in you.

You are not alone. Be happy, and feel confident in your abilities. Best wishes.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Confusedchaos

...I could not stay any longer because my life,,health was in jeopardy..

I guess, my question is, how do I make this easier for myself?
When I am feeling this depressed and alone in my apartment how do I convince myself to not go back to him?

By remembering the part in bold.

If your health and your life is jeopardized or compromised, who will be their to raise your child in a loving, healthy and responsible manner?

Both you and your child deserve better, remember that.

PS. Stop chasing fairy tales, this is real life hun.

[Shazerac]

It's really hard to learn how to love yourself and be single. I hope you tough it out and do the work. If you don't you will probably end up back in the same situation with an abusive man.

[Fuzzybear]