My dad's death 20 years ago was the ideal time for me to break ALL ties with my siblings and mother. For sibling "loyalty" to survive, it has to endure all of the dysfunctional family "transitions," and shifts in family structure; such as my dad's cancer diagnosis, then later his death, my mom's suicide attempt when I was in high school, the move to a new city/state, when my sister ran away but was found, when my brother was overweight and bullied, when I was bullied then shunned, etc. then sexually harassed by my cousin and my uncle (not at the same time).

But clearly a lot of those childhood relationship difficulties between my siblings and myself, have become frozen in time because those are at the heart of estrangement between my brother and I for sure.

Just today, I asserted myself again with my sister who tried to gaslight me with shame instead of try to see the situation and accept her part of it. She invited me over for New Years Day and mentioned that our brother and his family will be there. I took that as an opportunity to share with my sister how hurt my feelings were, the way she and our brother etc. "pretended" our Thanksgiving at her house was normal, when it was just stilted silence, and the two of them completely ignoring me.

My sister's response? To gaslight me; to accuse me of trying to embroil her in a fight between my brother and I (a deflection on her part, I feel).

Then my sister ranted on about forgiveness (who is she to dictate actions to anyone if she wants to stay out of it!), and how she will continue to do her "open invites" to invite us both, regardless of my brother and I being estranged. She's never taken responsibility for her actions ever, much the same as our mother never takes responsibility for her actions.

This, from someone who's always claimed to be closer to my brother. How could she not take sides? Clearly, she IS taking sides by ignoring the estrangement dynamics when she invites us both over to her house, knowing that if I show up, she just pretends that there's nothing wrong and if I speak up, she uses shame and accusations to try to force me to back down and apologize (which I won't do, for feeling the way that I do).

My brother has never sought reconciliation with me or ever reached out to apologize for his heinous behavior. He's too narcissistic, overbearing, and condescending to admit that how he treated me was wrong. I did nothing to him to earn being estranged. His children don't even know or acknowledge me when our paths cross at our sister's house or family events that we both attend. Reconciliation is not in the cards, which I have accepted. Apparently, my sister could care less.

If I had two siblings who were estranged from each other and I wanted to truly remain neutral, then I wouldn't invite both over to my house. Why am I the only one who sees what she's doing as totally dysfunctional? It's like that movie, "Home for the Holidays" with Holly Hunter

I swear I'm already like the eccentric aunt character; I might as well make my own fruit loop necklace and become a cat hoarder.

Part of me wants to estrange myself from my sister but that means estranging myself from her children. So, I need to find either an online or in-person support group for estranged siblings to help me deal with this ongoing problem.

Can anyone on PC relate if you have estranged siblings?

[FallDuskTrain]

Yes I can relate and I am sure many others can relate as well. While I have always had the urge to cut all ties, I have not done it because it would hurt them and other members of the family. And, the other thing that helped me was the following: I stopped fighting the past when it comes to my family and I did it long time ago. I was and have been dealing with the past on my own and I had stopped caring a long time ago if they ever recognized their mistakes or accepted responsibility for hurting me or i did not respond when they hurt me (intentionally or not). I found it a waste of time to ask for validation of my feelings or for them to accept their role and responsibility. It is up to them to figure it out. I also had realized that they have their struggles as well and I had to accept that.
Again, we all choose our battles in life. I have had to deal with other battles and responding to people (family member or not) who hurt me, intentionally or not, is no longer a battle that I choose to fight.
So, I am sorry I don’t have any support group recommendations but merely my own personal story to share.
I hope your pain decreases, soon. Good luck