[mattdadd]

Ever since I've been in school, I wished I had white skin. It wasn't until I was 10 or 11 that I began acting on that wish. I started avoiding the sun and exfoliating my skin so I wouldn't tan. I'd wear sweatpants and hoodies during the summer, stay in the shade, and barely go outside. When I was 12, I started editing photos of myself so I'd look paler. And when I was 14, I tried to use sandpaper on my skin to make it lighter (like a stronger exfoliator).
Fast forward to today, I want to accept my natural skin colour. I keep saying I already have but I know that deep down, I still want to be pale. I think it's pretty deep-rooted due to bullying, racist jokes, lack of representation in the media, etc.
I'd like some advice on how I can embrace my skin colour even after a tan. Any ideas?
My profile picture is of me and as you can see, I currently look very pale. It'd make sense for that to make me happy but it doesn't. No matter how pale I become, it's not enough for me. I continue to avoid the sun as I did when I was younger. I don't think I've been in direct sunlight for months, and even then, it was only for a few minutes.

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you with regard to this. However here are links to some articles on the subject of body dysmorphic disorder that may be of some interest:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/your-...phic-disorder/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/cuban...dy-dysmorphia/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/weigh...ari-shepphird/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/weigh...omment-page-1/

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you with regard to this. However here are links to some articles on the subject of body dysmorphic disorder that may be of some interest:

I don't think it's related to body dysmorphic disorder but thank you for your help anyways.

[bunnyhabit]

Originally Posted by mattdadd

Ever since I've been in school, I wished I had white skin. It wasn't until I was 10 or 11 that I began acting on that wish. I started avoiding the sun and exfoliating my skin so I wouldn't tan. I'd wear sweatpants and hoodies during the summer, stay in the shade, and barely go outside. When I was 12, I started editing photos of myself so I'd look paler. And when I was 14, I tried to use sandpaper on my skin to make it lighter (like a stronger exfoliator).
Fast forward to today, I want to accept my natural skin colour. I keep saying I already have but I know that deep down, I still want to be pale. I think it's pretty deep-rooted due to bullying, racist jokes, lack of representation in the media, etc.
I'd like some advice on how I can embrace my skin colour even after a tan. Any ideas?
My profile picture is of me and as you can see, I currently look very pale. It'd make sense for that to make me happy but it doesn't. No matter how pale I become, it's not enough for me. I continue to avoid the sun as I did when I was younger. I don't think I've been in direct sunlight for months, and even then, it was only for a few minutes.

what color you want to be?

[mattdadd]

Originally Posted by bunnyhabit

what color you want to be?

I want to have white skin (like someone Caucasian) but at the same time, I want to feel comfortable with my natural skin colour.

[*Laurie*]

I was born with very pale white skin. I was always self-conscious about it. When I was fifteen (1976) I was at a sporting event (outdoors) with some friends. One of the guys threw a bottle of suntan lotion at me and said, "Here! You need to use this!" I was devastated. So I started tanning myself. Every spring I'd start the sun-worshiping thing. By summer I was constantly burning and tanning, over and over, all summer long. When tanning beds became available I used those in addition to tanning outdoors. Now I'm 55 and have sun damage to my skin, of course. I hope and pray that I don't get skin cancer from my many years of sun burns and sun exposure.

In my early 40's I got a lot of very colorful tattoos and finally felt happy with my skin color.

Life can be so ironic.

Coming from someone who is not white, I can empathize. You must detach yourself from stereotypical European standards of beauty. F*** them all.

I don't have much advice, except that I think your concerns and anxieties are valid because the world beats us down. Don't take any ******** about people telling you that you're not different or not as stereotypically beautiful. Don't let them dismiss the racism because it's there, and you're not going crazy.

You need to swagger when you feel like you can't and be better than all of them. F*** them all, f*** the world.

Also, surround yourself with people who share your culture and your skin color. It can be a breath of fresh air, especially if you lack diversity in your life.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

Coming from someone who is not white, I can empathize. You must detach yourself from stereotypical European standards of beauty. F*** them all.

I don't have much advice, except that I think your concerns and anxieties are valid because the world beats us down. Don't take any ******** about people telling you that you're not different or not as stereotypically beautiful. Don't let them dismiss the racism because it's there, and you're not going crazy.

You need to swagger when you feel like you can't and be better than all of them. F*** them all, f*** the world.

Also, surround yourself with people who share your culture and your skin color. It can be a breath of fresh air, especially if you lack diversity in your life.

All that anger isn't helpful for self-acceptance. Instead of f*** them all, try love them all.

[paintingravens]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

All that anger isn't helpful for self-acceptance. Instead of f*** them all, try love them all.

Laurie, if you are not a person of color, with all due respect, despite your good intentions, you don't really understand the struggle and thus are not in a position to comment on what people of color should do to deal with or fix something you will never have to deal with. Being easily sunburned because you are pale is not at all the same as being taught your whole life through messages absorbed on an overwhelming scale that your skin color is viewed as inherently less attractive. Paler people are represented and praised on a global scale. People with darker skin and without white European features are not.

Mattdad is allowed to feel upset about this. Due to the global history of European colonization, we have been conditioned to view non-white features as THE standard of beauty, and despite increased efforts to combat this, it is still a huge issue that can't just be loved away. It's not as simple as choosing a "good vibes only" sort of approach. Anger and frustration in the face of a world who continues to disregard this problem is a reasonable response. Anger is not inherently a bad thing. Anger at the erasure of our struggles, recognizing how you have been mistreated, is the start of reaching that point of self-acceptance . It is an extremely useful tool people of color can hold onto to remind ourselves that what we go through is real and that we deserve to have our problems with socially reinforced internalized self-hatred of our skin color validated in a world that continues to invalidate us.

I 100% agree with emptynightmare that the best way to combat this self hatred is to surround yourself with a like-minded community who shares your identity and understands this problem, and is able to provide support via self-celebration when we question our self-worth. It also helps to read up on this subject as much as you can, look for books or podcasts or social media articles and faces that validate us and can discuss this in depth to help us better navigate the issue. Your skin color is beautiful and perfect. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. You are allowed to love the skin color you are born with. <3

[kipper-bang]

Hi, I am also a person of colour and I understand how you are feeling. I was a black child bought up with a loving white family in a little UK village. I was a bit of a 'novelty' to the locals and accepted as 'one of them' until I grew older and started asking questions about people of my colour. I also felt that to have a good life I needed to 'scrape away my colour' and like you I used sandpaper and metal scouring pads.

All I was able to learn at school is that my ancestors were slaves and trouble makers and people of my colour made up a lot of the prison population world wide. Our men were only suitable for manual jobs and could only get on in the world if they were a good sportsman. Our women made good housewives, nannies and cooks.

it was not until I moved to a city, away from my sheltered upbringing that I realised as a race we had done some amazing things in medicine, architecture, and mathematics. The people I was now surrounded by were as intelligent and diverse in their work and life as any white person. The more I researched and studied, the more I realised my race and skin colour was one I should be extremely proud of.

Like others have said, you should find and mix with members of your own race to build up confidence and pride in who you are. Non of this will lead to your skin getting lighter in tone but it will build you up to be proud of who you are.

Good luck & hope for your future.

[bpforever1]

I thought this was a joke, but realize the op is serious. I'm flabbergasted by it all. I am speechless that you feel this way. I feel bad for you that you feel like you want to be Caucasian and cannot accept yourself as you are. You know if only vanilla was the only flavor in this world, the world would be a very dull place to live. It is nice there are other flavors. It gives the world diversity and a blend of flavors too. If you believe others discriminate you on the basis of your skin color, then you must speak up and fight back. I would be proud of your uniqueness. I don't think that trying to look white is the answer to your problem though, but a deeper-rooted problem that needs much analyzing and understanding. Do your parents make you feel this way too? Do they try to build your self-confidence by what you do not by how you look? I hope that one day you feel confident and proud of yourself despite your skin color. This takes doing the best you can whatever you do. Appearances are not everything once people get to know you. In the end, looks fade away and what is left inside matters more than how you looked in your youth. You are young now and are trying to find your identity. Once you reach my age, you will realize what you wanted as a youth is not what you needed as a person to survive in this very tough world. May you find peace and happiness!

[paintingravens]

Originally Posted by bpforever1

I thought this was a joke, but realize the op is serious. I'm flabbergasted by it all. I am speechless that you feel this way. I feel bad for you that you feel like you want to be Caucasian and cannot accept yourself as you are. You know if only vanilla was the only flavor in this world, the world would be a very dull place to live. It is nice there are other flavors. It gives the world diversity and a blend of flavors too. If you believe others discriminate you on the basis of your skin color, then you must speak up and fight back. I would be proud of your uniqueness. I don't think that trying to look white is the answer to your problem though, but a deeper-rooted problem that needs much analyzing and understanding. Do your parents make you feel this way too? Do they try to build your self-confidence by what you do not by how you look? I hope that one day you feel confident and proud of yourself despite your skin color. This takes doing the best you can whatever you do. Appearances are not everything once people get to know you. In the end, looks fade away and what is left inside matters more than how you looked in your youth. You are young now and are trying to find your identity. Once you reach my age, you will realize what you wanted as a youth is not what you needed as a person to survive in this very tough world. May you find peace and happiness!

Bpforever, your intentions are kind, but tbh this kinda sounds like it was written by a white person? I just don't know of a single person of color that has ever been this blown away by the thought of another poc learning to hate themselves for their appearance, given that it's so common for us. Some looks may fade with age, but skin color does not. As much as I wish our insides actually mattered more than our outsides, we live in a world that tells us otherwise. One cannot outgrow the unconscious bias of others -- we can deal with it the best way we know how, but we can't just brush it off bc it still has an unavoidable real-life impact on us. But I agree, it's very important take pride in your identity, given it does not damage the lives of anyone else.

I certainly didn't get the impression that this post was about a search for identity though -- it sounds to me like it's more about how we've been conditioned to see skin color and that MattDad is looking for more ways to unlearn this damaging mindset. Even some of the most loving and supportive parents of color can be susceptible to teaching their children this message, given how deeply it permeates every aspect of our society.

This is not to say that how we are raised doesn't have any impact on our self image or actions in the present, but while understanding how this affects us is indeed important, reducing the issue at hand to being the result of Matt's upbringing minimizes the impact this socially normalized attitude has on people of color on a daily basis.

[bpforever1]

Hmm, you're saying the media and society are to blame for a person's self-esteem problem? Well, it could be true. I am not sure that not taking responsibility for one's thoughts and actions is a good reaction though. Yes, some media and some people are racist and no matter what you say or do, they won't change. Thus, the best reaction is to change your own reaction. My mother told me I was always ugly, and I started believing it. However, as I became older or just plain old, I realized my mother is another person and cannot control my thoughts or behavior. I am responsible for myself and cannot blame her for my own actions. May be when I was younger, I could have said that her actions caused me to do some bad things but as one becomes older, one usually knows what is right from wrong. I no longer blame her for my screwed up childhood or upbringing but focus on what I can do now for myself. As a child, I was beaten brutally too and went to school with bruises all over. I was thinking of running away too but nobody at my school ever asked me until they were too obvious and my parents pulled me out of school for awhile. I had a horrible childhood and am a high school drop-out. I somehow overcame this and went on to receive a GED and go onto professional graduate school.

Racism is similar to abuse in that one can blame one's behavior and actions on other's negativity but as a responsible adult, one has to differentiate and rise above this type of negativity. I believe much has to be done to alleviate racism in society and do agree with you that some media and people believe in white supremacy. However, to keep blaming them for everything that has occurred to a person may not be a constructive reaction. As a person who can relate to others who have suffered, I believe the best solution is to find peace with oneself and happiness with what one has. I could keep blaming my mother and family for making me as screwed up as a top. However, I have stopped doing this because 1. it is not productive 2. I can't change them 3. I can change myself only.Does this make sense?

For the op, he should find it within himself to be proud of his heritage and race. He is young from his picture, I surmise. He will reach my age one day and realize it is not what other's think about you that is most important but how you think about yourself. He will hopefully come to terms with his inadequacies and overcome such low self-esteem. He must or he will not survive in this crazy world. I wish the best for him and his search to find his true self. Self-love is of the utmost importance for one's sanity and well-being. I believe once he loves himself he will overcome his self-hatred, believe in himself, and be proud of who he is.

[kipper-bang]

"Hmm, you're saying the media and society are to blame for a person's self-esteem problem? Well, it could be true. I am not sure that not taking responsibility for one's thoughts and actions is a good reaction though. Yes, some media and some people are racist and no matter what you say or do, they won't change. Thus, the best reaction is to change your own reaction. My mother told me I was always ugly, and I started believing it. "

I'm sorry to hear your mother did this too you. But think if your mum were 50% of the Western world, who said to you every day that you were ugly or not worthy?
Think about how you would feel if all newspapers said that all people like you are not worthy?
How would you react in school if all you learned about your ancestors were something negative and crushing to your view of yourself.

History is written by the victors and they always portray themselves in the best light, and dismiss those who do not look like themselves as being a lower human.

I could go on and on about this, but until you have lived in the shoes of a person of colour, you can never truly know what we are subjected to on a daily basis.

Its not so much how we see ourselves, its how the onlooker sees us and treats us. For people of colour this has never been a positive experience.

[poorlittlefish]

I have the same struggle as the OP, but for the opposite reason, because I am very pale skinned and the constant message from the media/popular culture is that you need to be tanned to be beautiful. Everyone I know has skin that is naturally tanned/tans easily in the sun or they get spray tans. I wish I could just wear summer dresses and shorts without feeling like everyone is looking at me with pity and thanking their lucky stars they aren't white like me.

[Albatross2008]

OP, I am very sorry that you've been made to feel you're less than beautiful because of your skin color. That should never be. While I can't entirely relate, because I am light-skinned even for a part Caucasian, part Native American person, I can identify with some of the struggle. I will never be supermodel-thin, no matter how much I eat right and exercise. I simply have a thicker, stockier body type, and I've always been made to feel ugly because of it. And yes, my mother helped plant that feeling of inferiority in my head. Sometimes our biggest emotional scars can come from our own mothers.

[bpforever1]

For your information, I'm not Caucasian but Asian descent. I accept myself for who I am. I did not want to mislead people in thinking otherwise. I believe the op has been brainwashed by the media but do understand his dilemma being brought up in a similar society where beauty is seen through the majority's perspective. True beauty is from the inside, not appearance. Everybody grows old and what is left is one's personality and character.