I am feeling very annoyed. Someone in a group I'm in gave me unsolicited advice after I said something in a conversation we were having, as if I don't already know, and I feel talked down to. I just sat there. I felt unable to truly express myself and say what I was feeling. I felt this need to be polite. Ugh. **** that. I want to be more assertive. I want to be able to say "I know." Or, "I don't feel like I need advice, I was just offering my thoughts." Just because something is coming from a kind place in someone else, doesn't mean it's not harmful. But I need to speak up for myself so they know what I'm actually thinking and feeling.

Originally Posted by starrysky

But I need to speak up for myself so they know what I'm actually thinking and feeling.

Be prepared. In my later years I have gotten tired of being polite and I am pretty assertive. And, fyi, hated. I am met with total distain for speaking up and refusing to have to justify my thoughts.

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

Be prepared. In my later years I have gotten tired of being polite and I am pretty assertive. And, fyi, hated. I am met with total distain for speaking up and refusing to have to justify my thoughts.

I understand this is your perspective, but I'm not really sure how this is supposed to be supportive towards me.

"Assertiveness is a skill regularly referred to in social and communication skills training. Being assertive means being able to stand up for your own or other people's rights in a calm and positive way, without being either aggressive, or passively accepting 'wrong'." --skillsyouneed.com

I strive to be assertive and kind towards others at the same time. I think this is the definition of assertiveness. If you are saying what you think, and being hurtful at the same time, thats not assertiveness. On the other hand, it is of course possible to hurt others feelings unintentionally, while being true to yourself. But I think...if people are going to be unhappy with you because you put a boundary up, or say what you need, or correct them, the more reason to enforce that boundary, and even steer clear of them because that is called "being a jerk." In this instance, I am not afraid of being hated for saying how I feel. It is scary to me though, and having someone say to me: "heads up, people may hate you if you say what you really think, it happened to me," is not helpful to me.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by starrysky

"Assertiveness is a skill regularly referred to in social and communication skills training. Being assertive means being able to stand up for your own or other people's rights in a calm and positive way, without being either aggressive, or passively accepting 'wrong'." --skillsyouneed.com

I strive to be assertive and kind towards others at the same time. I think this is the definition of assertiveness. If you are saying what you think, and being hurtful at the same time, thats not assertiveness. On the other hand, it is of course possible to hurt others feelings unintentionally, while being true to yourself. But I think...if people are going to be unhappy with you because you put a boundary up, or say what you need, or correct them, the more reason to enforce that boundary, and even steer clear of them because that is called "being a jerk." In this instance, I am not afraid of being hated for saying how I feel. It is scary to me though, and having someone say to me: "heads up, people may hate you if you say what you really think, it happened to me," is not helpful to me.

It seems to me that you have been assertive with Emily's post.

I try my best to stick with "validating, then assertive".

[CF17]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

Be prepared. In my later years I have gotten tired of being polite and I am pretty assertive. And, fyi, hated. I am met with total distain for speaking up and refusing to have to justify my thoughts.

I do exactly the same thing, so we may conclude that being assertive may come at a costly price sometimes. Still, I'd rather be hated than just being so nice and suffer inside like before. Priorities.

I feel pretty unsupported in this thread. This was originally me venting about a situation I was not assertive in (I know how to be assertive, by the way and I am working on being more assertive and my interpersonal skills in real life). This thread has basically turned into who agrees with Emily and who does not. I don't care, frankly, and thats not what this thread is about. Also, I recognize that when we are assertive and speak our mind, people can disagree and even feel upset. Most people, I find, aren't like that, but people with their own issues will act this way. I know that. Its just not what I needed to hear and I didn't feel it helped. Also I recognize that it may not be the intention of anyone to be unsupportive. I feel like I needed to say something though.